Selfish Love - You Can't Leave Me

You heard the songs that talk of a man or woman in a relationship not being able to live without one another.  Some talk of dying if they can't be with the other.  It all sounds so romantic, but this loving talk has a dark side.  It programs couples to think that they can't manage in this world without one another.  In time, one is on the suicide path.  This sort of thinking is toxic!

A person that feels like he or she can't move, sleep, awake, go anywhere, or do anything without the other has become trapped in a cage of a relationship where there is no key to escape.  One's mind is consumed with the thoughts of the other quite often.  Whenever an independent thought or idea comes up, the abused victim thinks, "If I make this move or that one, what will he think, what might he do?  If I go here, how will she react?"  On the surface, it appears reasonable to consider the thoughts of the other, but for victims of frequent emotional and physical abuse this happens all the time and nothing is ever done to appease one's self.  So the wish to do something different is nothing more than what it is--a wish.  Plans are made to do something fun or interesting but rarely, if ever, acted upon.  The partner talks his or herself out of doing anything apart from the other or not at all.

Selfish love is built on nothing more than selfish motivation.  The abusive partner who is planning, controlling, demanding, pouting, and doing other things to maintain control is thinking all the while about his or her self.  "How is this making me feel when she does ABC?  How do I take back control?  Is what my partner asking benefiting me in some way?" Mr. or Ms. In Control is rarely listening to your objections, suggestions or concerns.  He or she can smile, laugh, charm, cry, yell, or fight one's way into getting you to meet needs.  People on the outside looking in will warn, "Don't fall for that..." but victims will every time!

The frustrated victim feels weary, broke down, and will not bother to stand up for personal thoughts/plans/ideas and anything else with the argumentative easily irritated kind of partner.  But with others, for the victim's sanity sake, he or she might direct one's attention on needy family members' issues since they seem to be the only things that the victim feels he or she is in control of while the controlling partner objects to the victim's involvement in those affairs too.

Like a mother tired of hearing a screaming toddler will lay the child down, close the door, and walk away, the victim will do something similar with the angry partner, rather than send him or her to the room, the victim will lie down and rest or go outside for a breath of fresh air hoping that all will be calm upon his or her return.  Then when the abused is a little less weary, he or she will either sit outside the ring that the boxer for a mate has designed or sit outside of it observing the poor man or woman fighting with his or herself or others.

Victims never stay away long physically or emotionally when dealing with their selfish lovers.  They are like servants tending to their every need.  They can't take a vacation without getting clearance from the controlling mate, some won't bother to make that arrangement for fear of the partner's negative reactions to their request.

When outsiders call the victim's attention to certain things, they pretend as if all is well while looking for flaws in the one exposing him or her to the truth.  "You really need to get a life.  Why are you always in the house with your man?  What is so important that your wife demands you do that you can't get away and see your relatives?  Why do you worry and stress over responding to her text immediately?  Why have you shut everyone and everything out that you like to meet the demands of your insecure partner?"  Victims who don't want to see dysfunction will choose to go blind to it.

If you see yourself or someone you know in this blog entry, consider this, many people do this for a time even in a so-called healthy relationship, but it doesn't make it right to enable selfish love.  True love takes two and no one is playing victim or abuser in a healthy relationship.  A person who genuinely cares, respects, loves, and appreciates you will give you the space to express yourself and connect with others that matter to you!  You are able to thrive in your job(s), hobbies, relationships, friendships, and more.  You don't feel limited in your abilities due to the partner's criticisms and unreasonable requests.  A person who loves will let you love and be yourself around others.  However, a sick person, one who has many emotional and physical issues is miserable, and so the old adage goes, "Misery loves company."  Former victims with unresolved issues, controlling people, current victims, mentally handicapped individuals, religious fanatics, and other difficult people seek out those who will validate their dysfunction, are you a victim or an abuser?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and other books.


Good Days, Bad Days - The Life of Abused Victims

Those good days are mere teasers that play with your mind.  They make you feel like you are getting somewhere in a miserable relationship when you are really headed nowhere.  It's like a dead end or a one way street living with someone who is abusive.  You keep getting turned around and around.  It feels good driving down that road at first until you get to the brick wall at the end of the road.  At first, you are so grateful to be going somewhere, it appears like you are on your way until you get turned around yet again!  Then you start on what you think is a new path, you feel somewhat empowered at least for the moment until your abuser has a bad day.

He or she may have made you feel comfortable for a moment with that sweet look and loving touch. You might have falsely believed that this person was now confident in the relationship, trusted and loved you and really wanted to make things work until the other shoe drops and here we go again: ignoring, yelling, blaming, cursing, acting rudely, etc.

One day you are feeling up and the next down because of that person who holds a title in your life.  It becomes more and more challenging to deal with him or her when it feels like the weight of their issues are resting on your shoulders.  What good is talking when you have no plans on walking?

So the abusive man or woman who swindles you into believing once again that the relationship is headed somewhere is really nothing more than a mirage, a figment of your imagination, the old person always comes back.

Remember to exercise self-control when he or she returns. Don't allow this person to get the best of you, guard your heart.  Talk yourself into creating that exit strategy emotionally first then sooner or later the rest will follow.  For some, their feet can't move, but their minds can.  Rather than focus on your abuser, envision your future without him or her.  Sure feels nice or doesn't it?  There is much work to do if you are still holding to this person in your mind too.  Keep imagining a future without him or her.  Talk to God about your burdens.  Ask him to forgive you for your sins and make necessary life changes to bring peace and happiness to you (and possibly children).

Nicholl McGuire has written may books including Laboring to Love Myself.


You Beat Her Up? Here's What You Need to Know

People lose their tempers and do stupid, cold-hearted, and crazy things while raging.  There are no excuses, no blame, or anything else that will cover up what happened.  A man or woman who loses control will reap what he or she sows.  This is why when you know that you have little time, patience and energy for relationships, don't get involved!  Simply tell the person, you can't handle being with someone intimately at this point in your life.  So now that someone is aware of your dark side, know that the relationship is really not what you think it is, it becomes nothing more than a cage for a victim.  You have captured her mind, body and spirit through a mixture of kindness and violence, shut the door of what you created for her (a cage/prison cell), and when you feel like showing affection, your version of love, and communication you give it to her.  Since the hit, slap, kick, choking, etc. here's what to expect:

1.  She will never be the girl you once knew.
2.  She might start flinching, rejecting affection, or acting scared when you come near her.
3.  She doesn't love you, she fears you and will most likely gradually get quiet, but then have moments of rage when triggered by you that might even scare you.
5.  She will pretend as if everything is okay with you two when it really isn't.
6.  It would be best to exit the relationship, before you end up in jail or worse someone she knows vows to get even.  Also, avoid contacting her because what you say just might be used against you later.
7.  There is no turning back to good times now that she has seen the monster within you.
8.  She might pick up her own set of abusive habits like:  substance abuse, promiscuity, cursing, name-calling, and acting "crazy" toward you and others.
9.  Don't expect any warm greetings from her family and friends--watch your back.
10.  Those ex-girlfriends that you verbally and physically abused were right about you, you need some help, so start making plans to attend counseling on anger management in your area.  Otherwise, you can always attend court mandated classes one day after the police arrest you for assault.

Save yourself and the person, who once believed that you were one of the good guys, a lot of future problems, get the help you need.  It doesn't come through meeting yet another woman, having sex again, and wishful thinking that this time things will be different.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

Perfectly Content in One's Sickness - When the Victim Doesn't Want Freedom

Believe it or not, there are emotionally and physically battered men, women and children in this world who have grown quite accustomed to being in what we would say is "a bad situation."  They have found that staying with abusers is much easier for them then trying to live independently.

The pain, relocation stress, worry of bills, children's cries for the angry parent, and more are future issues that they don't want to have to deal with; therefore, these victims just resolve in their minds to stay with abusers.  They have no plans on getting free of anything because they don't believe that the relationship is so bad that they need to leave.  For some victims, they know that their abusers controlling and manipulative tactics are wrong, but they just deal with them anyway while hoping things get better year after year after year.  Others are aware that being hit, choked, slapped, kicked, or shoved is bad, but they don't bother to retaliate, call the police, or do much else.  Some just fight back when an abuser acts crazy and so life goes on.

The worry and anger that many, on the outside looking in, have toward people in miserable relationships is justified, but if the victims have become so brainwashed that they can't see their own freedom, then we can do nothing else, but focus on those who sincerely want peace for their selves and families.  It hurts to watch some of these victims act like puppets, robots, and servants for partners, but that's the life that they ended up with because they refused to leave while they still had a mind and the energy to go.  Some did leave but only returned back to abusers over and over again.

For research on a mental illness that keeps victims loyal to abusers, check out Stockholm Syndrome.

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.


Still Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate - The Victim Says, "My Brain is a Mess."

"Still here. So unsure. He blames me for his sins, takes everything personally, abandons instead of deals with martial issues (we have not resolved issues since married), I am suppose to act perfect, he acts superior, have been told he won't meet marital needs or desires until I behave, he determines sexual times, doesn't care about me or anything except his things. So confused. My brain is a mess. I miss my relationship with The Lord...I cannot even think straight anymore. Sorry so much to say:("

The above quote was from a real person, who for safety reasons we are keeping the identity private. Presently she is in a relationship with a partner who is abusive. Notice how the abuser makes her feel like she is to act "perfect" while he acts "superior." He apparently uses passive aggressive techniques to get her to "behave." What is worse, while she remains in this controlling relationship with him, she describes her brain as being in "a mess." People like this have been known to have narcissistic personality disorder, but since there has been no diagnosis and no other details one can only speculate.  

You or someone you know might be in a similar situation. You find the more you attempt to work things out with a partner, the more you feel like you are failing miserably at making this person happy as well as being at peace with yourself. The first mistake we all make is thinking that we can satisfy someone who is often upset, angry, argumentative unforgiving, self-righteous, etc. The only person that can truly make he or she happy is self. No amount of smiling, decorating one's self up, talking sweetly, and other niceties will change a stubborn, mean-spirited, and fault-finding loved one.

The next mistake is staying with the person in the hopes that he or she will change. Those of us who have been in relationships that were abusive, know that abusers rarely change. They might get older and slow down with the name-calling and physical fights, but most often they are still very much struggling with their personality disorders. The victims may also have their share of issues as a result of being with an abusive man or woman for so long.

Most people, who have survived crazy-making relationships, did so by freeing themselves. They refused to continue to play roles in other people's lives that they knew did nothing more than rob them of their peace of mind, joy, and love for self and others. They escaped their difficult and often abusive relationships, because there was no compromise from partners. Abusers are good for making false promises, hoping for the best, but then when trial shows up, they resort back to their evil ways once again. Sometimes these abusers will use opportunities such as: church visits, family interventions, and counseling sessions to rally against the victims. Therefore, making themselves appear as if they are the perfect, righteous, self-controlled, or kind person in the relationship while demonizing their partners. Those relatives, friends, counselors, and others who are not discerning, and oftentimes bias, will side with abusers and fall for their charm while cautioning and/or blaming victims. So rather than stay in abusive relationships with the encouragement from deceived networks (with their share of toxic people leading them), the victims have no choice but to escape by any means necessary including: divorce, leaving children behind, relocating, police involvement, and more. Others will stick around and permit destructive things to occur to themselves and others or may even participate in heinous acts with abusers.

Find the strength to see your situation for what it is. Don't sugarcoat the truth! Be prepared to make necessary adjustments with or without your children. However, avoid the temptation to want to run into the arms of another man or woman. This can backfire and only make matters worse especially if he or she has little time, patience, money, or energy for the side effects that come after one has left an abusive situation.  

Please do check out more on this blog about "break up," "survivors" and "abused men" and "abused women."

Thanks for stopping by!

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.


Valentine's Day Domestic Violence, Dating Violence

If you think yelling, cursing, pushing, biting, kicking, and more that some couples do just because it's Valentine's Day will stop, think again!  This is an emotionally charged holiday for some that drives them to want to make past wrongs right through small or large tokens of appreciation depending on one's budget.  The less money, the more an abusive lover might be frustrated that he or she can't buy away guilty feelings.  For a victim of dating or domestic violence, no amount of money will quell the pain that eats away at some as a result of yet another barrage of insults, shaming, ignoring, lying, cheating, beating, etc.  The emotionally and physically broken partner might receive a sweet gift, have a nice dinner, attend a movie, and have sex with their abusive boyfriend or girlfriend, spouse, or lover, but it is only a matter of time that the abuse will start back up again.

When you know that abuse whether emotional or physical is prevalent in your relationship, don't fight what you know to be true.  Don't keep telling yourself the ever-popular lie that an abuser keeps telling you, "Things will get better, I won't do it again.  I'm changing, growing up...I'm sorry."  He or she is perfectly capable of self-awareness alone without you being his or her verbal or physical punching bag.  A sparring partner is not what you are, you were meant to be loved and treated with respect in a healthy, functional relationship.

Yet, the one who labors to love his or her abusive mate will foolishly get sucked into a moment of appreciation and will continue to be there for the angry, moody man or woman while talking his or herself out of breaking up.  And so the cycle continues.  Today we love, tomorrow we argue, we talk about breaking up, we make up, we fight again, and so around and around we go.  It isn't until one or both in the relationship stop going around in circles that the abuse will come to an end.  Let me repeat that, it isn't until one or both in the relationship stop going around in circles that the abuse will come to an end!  But if one or both insist on "making it work" despite mounting evidence that says that there is no making anything work just making one another crazy, then outsiders just might force a break up.  Sometimes the neighbors, relatives, police and others affected by dating or domestic violence will sever the sick connection between victim and abuser.  Can you really blame them? Who wants to keep seeing a black and blue woman or man walking past them, screams from an apartment window that disrupt one's sleep, hear once again a body being pushed to the floor, cry because a daughter or son wants to break up but never does...and more!

For some, the point of no return just might be on Valentine's Day and to that, I will say Happy Valentine's Day to the victim turned survivor!  Here's to FREEDOM!

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7


5 Things You Need to Know About Abuse

You might be in an abusive relationship right now or you know someone who is.  Abuse doesn't always look like what we might think.

Sometimes people are in bad relationships for any number of reasons, but whatever they are doesn't mean that they are right!  Just because these people aren't getting beaten near death, doesn't mean they aren't getting abused.

Whether abuse is high on the pain scale or not, if someone is controlling another emotionally or physically, it is abusive!  For instance, if I were to give you a long list of demands and manipulate your life in such a way that you were following the beat of my drum (and only mine) then I am being controlling.  If you were to object and create your own beat and I told you not to and that there would be consequences, depending on your life experiences (like knowing someone in your family like me), in addition to what you thought of me (loved me, parent of our child, ride or die buddies, etc), you might go along with my programming.  To go on with this example, if you felt that what I was asking was not in the best interest of the family, then you would deem me as unreasonable, right?  Well, when an abuser is confronted on his or her wrongs and this person goes off like a volcano or acts in passive aggressive ways, then you have to know this person is training you to be who he or she wants you to be or else.  If you were to go against him or her, there would be dire consequences, because he or she trained you to dance to the beat of his or her drum.

Any healthy relationship between couples doesn't consist of emotional and physical demands, fighting and walking on eggshells just to appease a man or woman.  Healthy relationships are not filled with  name-calling, threatening, cheating, hitting, slapping, choking, shoving, beating, or doing anything else.  So whether the pain you experience from a partner is mild or horrific, abuse is abuse and no one experiencing this sort of thing in a relationship is better than the other!

1.  The pain, arguments, judgments, stares, lies, manipulations, and more of yesterday doesn't just suddenly go away.

A victim will want very badly to be happy, to get back to routines, and feel at peace, but there will always be something that will take him or her back to that time, and when this happens, pain, lies, anger, and more doesn't go anywhere.  Oftentimes, it takes years for people to get over abusive incidents.  So "get over it" sounding advice doesn't work very well with most victims.

2.  Some things the abused will never forgive and forget.

The abuser wishes for the victim to just move on, stop thinking about what happened recently or long ago.  The abused partner will continue thinking about relationship problems like listening to a CD with a scratch on it.  The thoughts will just keep playing and playing in his or her mind until the person finally figures out a way to free one's self mentally, physically and spiritually from the tie he or she has to the abuser/handler.  Freedom could come through a book, music, a relative, friend, a television show, a church visit, counseling session, or something else.

3.  Once you know the truth about someone or something, the relationship is never quite the same.

As much as some would like to reflect on the good ole' days, there not coming back in a once loving turned crazy relationship.  Now there will be some situations that might look and feel good, but for how long?  When the truth shows up in one's life, embrace it,  truth sets you free!  Take the key you have been given and use it to break free from a miserable, dead-end, and controlling relationship.

4.  Trust is something that just might take a lifetime, so if you have no patience for the highs and lows of one's temper, the side effects from the abuse, and other things, don't commit to loving and staying with a victim or an abuser.

Life is short and when one sees that efforts are just not working to make things right.  Step back, re-evaluate your methods, and make some changes.  (Victims might want to start working on an exit plan to rid his or herself of the abusive partner.)

5.  Know that, this too shall pass.

You or someone you know that has been abused will not always be sad, angry, depressed, or crazy. There will be good days.  Try to be a positive person that brings sunshine to the victim's life.  Note: this advice doesn't work if you are the abuser.  The victim just fakes appreciation because he or she has no choice unless the individual wants to get beaten down emotionally and physically yet again. Issues won't get that much better and remain that way until the abusive behavior stops permanently!

Nicholl McGuire share insightful wisdom on YouTube channel:  nmenterprise7


What Good is Staying with the Abuser?

This wasn't brave of her, it was cruel, selfish, and crazy, she allowed another human being to humiliate her, beat her, rule the kids, teach the family how to hate, manipulate, lie, and abuse others. Oh, what a twisted mind will do for love!

We judge, hate, and sometimes we cut off contact with abused relatives and friends.  These victims serve as reminders of when we were once weak.  We too permitted others to abuse and use us whether we knew their intentions or didn't believe what they were doing, either way we were being emotionally hurt over and over again until we wised up.

Self-righteous victims and survivors are so busy trying to make something that isn't meant to be, meant while others have become so weary of relationship, work, and other dramas that the fight to do anything different just isn't there anymore.  Therefore partners can cheat while victims look away, children can be disobedient without little, if any, discipline, money is wasted on useless goods, and who cares?

There is a woman, probably in your neighborhood, at your work or in your family, with an abusive partner and children who hasn't thrown the towel in yet when it comes to her relationship with her abuser.  She might be guilty of throwing the towel at her partner, but she sincerely wants a happy ever after.  She is determined to make family work at the risk of losing her mind in the process, putting the children through more trauma, and spending up money and time on a troubled man who obviously doesn't love her.

Those on the outside looking in say, "What good is it staying with him?  Why bother with someone who doesn't love back?"  She would reply, "My staying isn't about him..."  But what is it about?  For many victims it's about winning!  Years of losing battles, cheering for loosing teams, loosing wealth, and more will drive you to want to win at something.  For some victims it is the hope that family will win this time that keeps them motivated.  They want to be able to walk away from the fight one day knowing they did everything they could to save a marriage, keep dad around, maintain house, and more.  They don't want to have any regrets.  Yet, oftentimes late in life victims who turn into widowed survivors wish, "I should have left back then.  I could have spared myself and my children further emotional and physical damage.  I was so stupid!"

This will be someone's story one day reading this.  She might grow to be a little wiser as a result of putting up with so much from an angry man, even have a comfortable lifestyle, and achieved more than those who have came before her, but she will have her regrets.

The best thing that any woman can do for herself and family is to be happy.  If she isn't happy, those around her won't be happy for her or the connection she has with an emotionally and physically abusive partner.  Money and material goods are temporal, but so is a mind that when repeatedly pushed will lack good judgment,

Nicholl McGuire


The Honeymoon Period - The Delusion of Valentine's Day

Many couples will take off the boxing gloves for Valentine's Day depending on how long they have been together.  The abusive one will pause for a moment to feel good, look nice, eat well, and drink happily.  The victim will play along.  All will appear nice and everyone will be on their best behavior--at least we hope so.  But for how long?

Those Valentine's Day holiday trinkets warm hearts for a moment.  They make couples feel hopeful about the future--even if they are in a mess of dysfunction.  For a time, the victim might tell herself, "He isn't so bad.  That's my Sweetheart, I remember why I love him so much."  Abused men with angry female partners might say something similar to themselves.  "I know she gets a little crazy sometimes, but I love my Babe."  If someone should point out a lover's faults, the victim will cry foul and act as if he or she never had any major issues with his or her angry partner.  But who is he or she fooling?

Holidays like Valentine's Day are deceptive.  They create a false world of what is supposed to be made up of love and happiness--a time of celebrating couples.  When the reality is the product marketers are the only ones who are truly overjoyed during this holiday as they watch much volume move out of their stores and bank accounts swell as a result. 

Now there are those in healthy relationships who truly love the holiday.  Yet, in the world of the used and abused, there is nothing more than acting that takes place during Valentine's Day.  Couples try real hard to love one another despite emotional and physical storms.  Battered partners are dealing with cheating, lying, stealing, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and more from people who claim that they love them.  Not every couple's mind, body and spirit is functioning properly and not everyone is in love with the idea of loving and being loved.

Some will spend the holiday arguing about the little things like:  a thoughtless gift, a lustful gaze at another woman or man, an unexpected pregnancy, no gift at all, and other things.  So the next time you see a couple that appears like they are the perfect couple, she's smiling and he's holding her hand, just remember, you don't go home with them and not everything that appears to be, really is.

Here are signs one is clearly delusional about one's abusive relationship.  Valentine's Day only validates his or her false beliefs about things getting better when they won't, the bad stuff just goes into hiding:

1.  A victim spends much money trying to appease an abuser who has proven he or she isn't mentally stable and shouldn't be in any intimate relationship, but because of the holiday the victim gives in.

2.  The victim defends his or her man or woman even though everyone is aware that the pair is in a toxic relationship.  She will argue about how, "He's not so bad...I love him."  He will say, "We have our share of problems, but she is still a good woman."  Family and friends don't forget the past sob stories and the statements about leaving.  But it's the holiday so all must be forgiven, right!?

3.  The abuser pretends as if he or she never said or did anything wrong and if confronted, the individual denies everything or acts as if others are misunderstood. The abusive man or woman does these things, because like a child, this person hopes to get a gift or some kind of acknowledgement because the holiday is coming up.  So one must be on his or her best behavior!

4.  People who don't know the couple's history will wish them well, "Happy Valentine's Day, Lovebirds!"  Meanwhile, the troubled couple will take nice words and encouraging statements and act as if things will just change between them overnight.  They may even go so far as to compare their miserable relationship with healthy ones.  You just can't compare apples with oranges.

5.  The dysfunctional couple falsely believes that one good night of some freaky sex will make up for past abuses.  If the abuser disrespected his or her victim prior to the holiday, why would he or she suddenly stop being mean-spirited just because one had some sexual foreplay and a release before, on or after Valentine's Day?

Back to reality, one is laboring to love an abusive mate.

Nicholl McGuire

God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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