Fighting for a Relationship that is Sure to End

The signs are evident!  Either agree to go along with the abuser's lies, emotional/physical cheating, anger outbursts, threats, and more or suffer the consequences.  So many people in toxic relationships tolerate much while deceiving themselves and others with statements like, "I don't put up with his stuff...I don't play that!  I am strong...he doesn't get away with anything.  She knows better or else!" Sure.  Then a spouse or partner does another thing and another, kiss and make up, put on a good act and he or she is back in a victim's bank account, bed and anywhere else that he or she wants to be in getting selfish needs met.

Victims put on a tough act, but they are weak to the sweet talk, promises, and cheap gifts--tis the season.  They dismiss thoughts that, "He could have treated me better...bought something nicer...apologized."  However, a victim desperate for a bit of harmony will take almost anything from an abuser if it is nothing but a half-hearted smile.

Buying yet more things to make an angry spouse or partner happy once again, when will the victimized ever learn?  Performing nice deeds to appease a broken heart, the victim is hell-bent on saving something that is going to end sooner or later.  "Might as well have a good time before the story ends, right?"  she or he reasons.  You are going to need your money for the grand finale--the final act.  The day that the abuser does the unthinkable.  For some victims, you know it's coming. With each argument, an emotionally and/or physically abusive man or woman is becoming increasingly more aggressive and vicious with his or her words.  You might also be getting meaner and having more courage to fight too.

Victims find themselves mentally unstable, unhappy and insecure in these miserable relationships while being covetous of others' connections.  Fault-finding and being meddlesome in others' affairs while  assuming the worse in family and friends' partnerships, there really is no comparison between the victim's bad relationship and others.  Most people are not hooked up with defensive, overly sensitive and even crazy partners who hit, kick, curse, cheat, lie, name-call, threaten, yell and more. As much as victims want to compare their plights to everyone else's unions, the truth is even if a story sounds familiar--the details are not nearly as disturbing as the victim's relationship.  He or she is often reaching when looking for a bit of information to make them feel better about their poor choice in a partner.

With the honeymoon period here and the illusions and delusions masking over a turbulent relationship, the victim is still holding on.  There are no rewards for foolish decision-making just more pain ahead.

Nicholl McGuire


On the Way Home - No Longer Wanting to Live There

No Communicating Concerns with an Abuser - Not Hearing of It

Talk about an abuser's lying, cheating, stealing, drinking, hiding, or hanging out with friends and you just might be starting a verbal or physical war!  Delusional people will never admit to their problems or seek help.  They are defensive and ready to attack.  Get to close, talk too long, or act in any way that is perceived to be threatening and the violent man or woman will reason in his or her mind, "Time to fight."

Living with someone who is hot-tempered is highly stressful, unsafe, and will most likely provoke you to do the unthinkable.  Abusive men and women are typically selfish and unless you enable their toxic habits and behaviors, they are not going to be too accepting of you.  The world revolves around them.  They rarely do anything that doesn't include themselves.  Their intentions are usually selfish.  Whatever they want, they get whether using kind words or acting evilly.  Victims who are fearful of their abusers will meet their demands by any means necessary even if it means facing jail time.

The day that one believes that having a conversation about an abuser's behavior just might help the relationship is the day that one should also expect a fight.  Abusers don't want to ever hear anything that sounds even a little bit like a criticism, blame or holding them accountable to something.  That is why the "I feel" conversations fall on deaf ears.  Communicating one's concerns works well with a functional human being, but not a dysfunctional one.

The best solution for any one who is in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship is and will always be to prepare an exit plan.  Staying will only cause more turmoil because the abuser is simply unwilling to cooperate.

Nicholl McGuire


Abuse Might Go Into Hiding for the Holidays

Family and friends most likely will be wanting to see loved ones around the holidays.  Abusers will be sure to talk with victims on what is to be said and not said at a holiday event to relatives and whether or not they will even be permitted to leave the house. 

For some mean-spirited men and women they will look for plenty of reasons for their spouses and partners not to see or talk to kinfolk like picking a fight prior to attending a family celebration.  Since this is impossible with some victims to avoid family, they will attempt to put on a good act and so too will their abusive partners. 

Families must be discerning and pay close attention to abusive behaviors and address issues.  However, take care that the victim and possibly children are safe before confronting an abuser.  Keep in mind a victim will most likely want to return home with his or her partner after a holiday event and depending on how things goes with the family will determine whether or not the abuser harms his or her mate behind closed doors. 

Remember the holidays aren't cheerful and heart-warming for all.  They can be quite stressful!  So if a victim doesn't want to attend a family event, be understanding, not pushy.  A victim suffers enough emotional trauma and physical pain prior to, during or after a major holiday.  Mix alcohol or drugs into a heated discussion and you never know what personality will show up and show out with an abusive man or woman.

Nicholl McGuire

Victims pray and read Psalm 91.  Stay sober!


Laboring to Love Someone Who Doesn't Love, Care About You

Selfish, bitter, arrogant, and angry, a partner that doesn't care much about you.  Too much arguing, ignoring, and being spiteful, two people co-exist in a dwelling.  He passes her by and she does the same.  There's only one problem, the victim still has feelings for the abuser.

What does it feel like when one works to love someone who doesn't love in return?  It is lonely, depressing, irritating, and a constant hope that things might change, but they don't.

She loves him and wants what is best for him, but he is annoyed with her reaching out to him.  He believes that there is still a chance the relationship might rebound, but things appear to be getting worse after every dispute.

One labors and labors until either the individual makes up in his or her mind to break up, separate, or pay the other back for all the pain and suffering while still remaining in an unhealthy relationship.  The cycle of thoughts go round and round as challenges rise and then when things tend to be okay, the negativity dissipates for awhile until the next myriad of trying times.

The person who doesn't like, love, care, etc. anymore feels trapped because he or she doesn't know when to leave, it's as if the abuser is looking for a good excuse to end the relationship for good--an opportunity to blame the victim for everything that went wrong before exiting or pushing one's partner to a breaking point.

Abusive men and women deep within are really cowardly and lazy.  They know they should be alone, but don't like it and refuse to admit that something is mentally wrong with them.  So they hide their crazy-making stuff by performing nice acts.  The last thing they want is people on the outside knowing just how messed up they are.

Victims don't want to believe that what they envisioned was a good relationship months or years back was a facade, an wasn't real.  The events were manufactured made to look like they were something more than what they really were.  Some abusers are good actors.  They can persuade their victims into a deep love affair, and then drop their fronts once they know they have them completely.

Too often couples rush head long into relationships only to learn of some troubling things about their partners.  Hoping to fix them, they work and work to make them happy while abandoning their own happiness.  Abusive people feed off of those who are the good Samaritan type, the innocent, broken-hearted, feeble, handicap, unintelligent and others they deem to be beneath them.  They pity their victims for a time.  They learn enough about their targets to hoodwink them into a false image of them, false beliefs they are loved, and false messages of a better future.  The promises come showering forth with actions that look more like their dreams are being fulfilled while the victims wishes whether big or small have evaporated like smoke.  One's needs were never truly considered.

Spend your money to make one love.  Agree with promises that things will get better--believe the lies.  Work harder than most on a relationship with someone who would never think of doing as much for you when you are down.  Keep feeding the abuser and he or she becomes empowered and you don't.

So many people exit this world unhappy.  Others suffer with illnesses having much regret that they made poor relationship decisions.  You know your truth, be encouraged knowing that you can live a better life than the one you are currently in.  Tis the season to be jolly, you deserve to be jolly!

Nicholl McGuire
Blog Owner and Author of She's Crazy


Too Much Pain - Enough is Enough - Snapped Out

How long do you keep standing by watching a parent be abused?  How much more can you take in an abusive relationship?  Someone is going to snap!  A person or the family will lose it one day.  Then what?  The enablers will want to defend their beloved, abusive family member.

"I don't know why they killed him, my brother was good to them."

"I don't believe my sister was violent.  She was always so nice when I visited the family home."

"I can't think for the life of me why she did it, why did she hurt my son like that!"

They claim to not know anything.  These family members in denial falsely believe that a son, brother, daughter, or sister "would never," "couldn't have" and "he/she was just a good husband, father..."  The abused didn't deserve death.  Although they are justified in feeling like a beloved relative shouldn't have been viciously abused or murdered, running away from the truth that the person had no part in being abusive is na├»ve and ignorant.

People wear many sides to their personalities.  One for work, another for church, then another when around extended family members, and then add one for friends, and then one more for strangers on the street.  The reality is oftentimes people with a lot going on with them have a personality disorder/mental illness, and unresolved past issues from childhood.  Now what do you think you will get?  A person with a light and dark side -- one with layers of faces and abusive tactics when he or she feels powerless and out of control.

Believe that a family member is capable of abusing one's partner and children.  Believe that a beloved relative could mistreat a pet.  Believe that all people are capable of doing things that would blow your mind no matter their title, what they have, and how "nice" they are!  Know that an abuser or a victim can come to a point in their intimate relationships that they lose it and not realize they are so far gone mentally in a crazy-making household that they snap!

The pain of being used and abused over and over again with yet another honeymoon period and another can be too much to bear on one's mind.  Today a batterer says or acts like he hates his wife and children, tomorrow he says he loves them.  Today he promises not to emotionally and/or physically abuse relatives (sometimes the issues carry outside the home--watch for signs), but then in a few days he is back to doing it again with drink and drugs in his system.  She says she isn't crazy, but all her mannerisms say that she is.  A turbulent household can make one or more people living there go mad!  If you were a child witnessing all of the turmoil, walking on egg shells, listening to abusive parents say mean things to one another, you just might have a moment or two where you think some dark things, but just because you rose above your negative thoughts, doesn't mean that someone else staying with you will.

Enough is enough, the abused is looking for justice.  Maybe God isn't answering prayers right now.  Maybe family members and friends are not listening, too busy defending the abuser.  Maybe the person is snapping or the mind is on the way out.  Talk to the person who is having more than a bad day.  Look at yourself in the mirror, are you going through much and need someone to talk you  out of doing something drastic? 

"Don't do it, it's not worth it."

"Think of your career, can rise above this!"

"You want to be free, feel safe, you can do it without destroying the abuser."

"You are better than him. You have a life!  Things will get better once you exit the relationship."

"Think, no more worrying over what he says, does.  No more chasing after a broken dream.  Your child/children won't ever have to hear your screams, curses with him again.  Don't you want to see them happy?" 

If you are the one answering the phone one day from a victim, understand that isn't the time to talk about what you think you know about a relative or what you haven't seen or heard or encourage them to stay somewhere that is volatile.  Just because the batterer was never abusive in front of you or the victim never breathed a word about fighting going on in the home, doesn't mean that someone or a group wasn't being abused behind closed doors.  Even if it happened years back or currently, the scene still might play out in the victim's mind.  Things like abuse don't easily go away.

Now if you are the victim, it is never too late to end this madness before you or someone in your household does the unthinkable.  Make this week the time you plan your exit.  Contact your local domestic violence hotline or community group and receive some guidance.  Leaving a relationship after the holidays just might be too late.

Nicholl McGuire
Blog Owner and Author of She's Crazy and many other books.

Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart


This is Too Much - Crazy-making Spouse, Partner

"You didn't do this right.  You spend too much money.  You act like a fool.  You aren't good enough!"  the self-important abusive partner says to the victim. 

A crazy-making, perfectionist type of partner is too much to contend with!  But you stick it out anyway or maybe you aren't the one in the situation, but someone you know is.  No matter what the victim says or does the partner has a comment, a question, a concern, a curse word, or worse a fist!  The abusive man or woman blames everyone but his or herself for everything!

When in a difficult relationship like this you or that person that you know is simply surviving each day by looking on the bright side of things even when some days there are no good moments.  The victim is allowing occasional love-making, a gift, a compliment, or some outside distractions to keep his or herself from cracking up inside.  So when the person is not ready to leave the dysfunctional relationship, the individual just copes.

You or a loved one is just passing time away with a mean-spirited partner/spouse.  Hoping, wishing, and waiting for good times to finally last, but they don't.  There is always another day, another time that the abusive individual is going to let you down.  Your hopes are high than low again, high than low. 

You have seen the emotionally and physically abusive movie in your life all before whether with you or someone else.  And how did that ending turn out?  You might have heard the cries, lies, and sighs and wondered, "When on earth will the drama die?  I just want to see her/him happy!"  But after awhile happiness is a foreign word in a miserable relationship.  Being in a crazy-making relationship is like a hang-over that never seems to go away until you take something that works.  In the case of a bad connection with a troubled individual one has to disconnect once and for all in order to feel well again.

Whether you are on the outside looking in or a part of the crazy-making actions most likely you cried out, "This is too much! I can't take this! This person is driving me crazy!"  You always have a choice, stay or go even if you are just the friend watching from a distance.  You don't have to stick around and go crazy with the couple too! 

Check out the books on this site, pick the one that applies to you or an abused relative or friend.  Emotionally and physically withdrawing from a mistake from one's past is a process, it takes time, but it can be done!

Nicholl McGuire

Face Your Foe: Why the Narcissist picked you

Face Your Foe: Why the Narcissist picked you - Ever wonder why someone who you know is highly conceited, self-absorbed, or selfish would bother picking you who is giving, spiritual, and loving?
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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