My Life With Narcissistic Parents #3

How Do You Know When It's Time to Go?

When you have taken all that you can take.

Everything on your body hurts.

You can't smile anymore.

When no one seems to care anymore whether you live or die.

When the children warn you about your behavior.

When relatives are fearful he might kill you.

When you can't do the things you like to do without worry.

It's time to go.

Nicholl McGuire


His Money, His Stuff, His World and Where Do You Fit? Abusive Relationships

She went snooping yet again in search of something that proves he was with another woman the night before, and she found it.  But what she didn't know, is that he was standing behind her, watching, the whole time she rumbled in his bag!  Uh oh...

His Money

When a woman agrees to be in a relationship where the man is footing the majority of the bill, she knows that she has to not only respect the head of house, but also the money as well.  She can't spend the money on whatever she wants, when she wants without asking her man permission.  This is why so many women make their own!  Some women don't like to hear such things, but when a man takes over the finances, there are typically rules that one follows just like if a woman was the bread-winner in the household.  However, in a world where women are abused every five seconds, money is scarce for many.  The man controls everything and if the woman rubs her moody partner the wrong way, she risks being put outdoors.  Just imagine, you clean your home, cook in it, take a bath in it, and do everything else, and then along comes someone telling you to, "Get out!"  Now what?

His Stuff

The controlling man who is sensitive over everything his family says and does, could leave--he could be the one to, "Get out!"  But do you think he will when he bought just about everything in the home?  Think again!  He knows how to charm his woman/wife back into his arms by making false promises when he realizes that leaving is not what he wants her to do.  However, when he is angered yet again about "my stuff" he is going to exercise control over his stuff!  "Don't move my stuff...leave my stuff alone...I'm not getting rid of my stuff...I will get to it when I get to it!"  Another dispute about his stuff, in an abusive relationship, most likely leads to the woman being verbally assaulted, threatened along with that cold stare, shoved, smacked, kicked, or something else.  After enough abuse, she knows not to touch his stuff!

His World

He tells his woman who is welcomed into his world--family and friends need not invite yourselves over. She convinces herself that it is her decision not to invite this one and that one to her home.  Her frustration with her husband's/boyfriend's house rules is taken out, not on her abuser, but those around her.  "Don't place that there...don't put your feet here...clean up that...don't move this...he might get angry if you..."  So people don't bother with her or "his" world.

The abused woman doesn't fit anywhere in a home that she shares with a verbally abusive motor mouth or a physically abusive Satan of a man, instead, all that is, is his and all that is her's is his.  She makes up excuses as to why he behaves in the way that he does.  She thinks that she is a good person for putting up with someone who is obviously dysfunctional in his mind.  He doesn't view his world the way she does.  What he says goes, and that's final.  Abused women tell themselves and others that they control their lives, but the reality is, they don't.  When the man feels like doing something, she abides.  When the man tells her to do or not to do something, she listens.  Ignorant women who have had little life experience when it comes to healthy relationships fall into these traps and unfortunately take daughters, nieces, and other female relatives and companions with them.

There is nothing healthy about being in a relationship with a man who dominates everything in and outside the home.  No amount of tough talk makes any sense when everything is being given to the man.  He ought not discipline his wife/girlfriend like a child or a soldier.  He is not a sergeant, a king, or so important that he should be treated this way and that way.  Don't encourage him by accepting his foolish ways.  Don't encourage him by exalting him before others as if he is a god with statements like, "My husband is the husband is the husband is wonderful..."  The truth is he is not any of those things, he is sick!

May no woman labor to love any man in the upcoming new year while being beat down mentally and physically!  May God free her from her abusive lifestyle in Jesus name!

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and other books.



6 Things Abused Women and Men Do to Survive in Abusive Relationships

Some people may wonder why women and men remain with their toxic partners for so long. They have many reasons from children to money, but until they are ready to leave, they will settle. Settling means dealing with the emotional and/or physical abuse. Now we all know it is never a good idea to be with someone who is hurtful toward you, but sometimes women and men will put their time in, so to speak, until they are mentally and physically ready to leave. However, sometimes they never make it out of a terrible partnership alive.

So what are the victims of abuse doing to stay motivated to be with a mate?

1. They busy themselves.

The more projects to do, people to care for, and places to visit, the more the person in an abusive relationship will look the other way when it comes to a partner’s abuses. For some people, they become so good at running, they begin to think that all is well at home until a partner starts “loosing it” again.

2. They distract themselves from having to truly feel the pain of being abused.

From alcohol to an ice pack, if one’s mind stays focused on the numbing affect and the hope for healing, he or she will stop thinking about what caused the pain in the first place. A week, month or year later, the pain isn’t so bad and the crime isn’t thought about anymore, all is forgiven until next time.

3. They create a false image of their partners who they believe love them.

Victims boast to their friends, “He’s really a great guy…if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have what I have…deep down inside, he really means well.  She is a good girl, she is very smart!” These optimistic, yet abused, men and women focus on the positive attributes of their abusive partner’s character while suffocating the reality that their partners are toxic and that they have far more negative character traits than good ones.

4. They lie to themselves and others.

“Things will get better I know it…it was really my fault when he blew up…He didn’t really mean to say that. I know my man!” If all these statements were true, then why do these abused men and women walk on egg shells around their mates? Why is it that others don’t have the kind of drama that they have and when those who are in functional relationships do have problems, they don’t feel the need to lie or cover them up?

5. They lean on God or some other gods.

In an effort to feel empowered and to keep hoping that things will get better, victims will lean on God or many gods to save them. When the reality is that they have the will to free themselves, yet choose to stay. God or gods don’t interfere with man’s free will, but the enemy of self along with other human beings do!

6. They come up with plans of escape, but oftentimes don't follow through.

From material wealth to children, abused people will reason that they need to stay because the alternatives aren’t much better. Therefore, whatever plan they had in mind is put on the back-burner. It also doesn’t help that sometimes they will communicate their intentions to their abusers which will cause them to persuade their mates not to leave them.

So if you ever wondered how abused men and women can stand to be with their often moody partners (some of which have severe mental issues) for decades, while incurring verbal and physical abuse, you just learned how. Now couple any one of the mentioned survival methods with a motivation “to be there for the children,” according to some abused individuals, and they will labor to love their abusive mates until they die despite all sound advice discouraging them to end the energy-draining relationship.

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.


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