The Victim Who Does Far Too Much for Her Abusive Spouse

She hopes to be in her abuser’s good graces.  What story can she share that will make her man smile?  What exciting event has occurred that will make him take interest?  Who might she talk about that will make him be attentive to her?  A victim who is hoping that her man might take her seriously and show interest in her once again is desperate.

Needy for his affection, she talks incessantly about a celebrity he adores.  Jealous of the attention he gives his or their children, she shares far more information than necessary about them.  Worried that she isn’t doing a good enough job maintaining household responsibilities, she is over-the-top with keeping the house clean and organized.  Anxious about seeing his family and friends, she spends far too much money on food and decorations to impress them.  

There is no stone left unturned with a victim who is hell-bent on winning her controlling husband or cheating boyfriend over.  She is looking to befriend his favorites, buying love from his parents, going above and beyond for the stepchildren.  She may even forsake her own family and friends’ needs just so that she looks like she is loyal to her man and only him.  Most of all, she is hoping that he won’t hit, kick, name-call, or ignore her this time.

The problem with many victims, who dote over their angry partners while carrying information back to them better than a mail carrier, is that the abuser will turn on the victim sooner or later.  The pertinent information obtained, money spent, or gift given will be criticized.  No good deed goes unpunished with an angry man or woman!  Most likely the unimpressed, critical abuser will say, “Did I tell you to buy that for my mother, why did you do it?  What business do you have eavesdropping on my conversations; I don’t need your help!  I don’t care what you know or who you bumped into and what they told you--I could care less!”  Her good intentions are demonized.  She is possibly called mean-spirited names for her efforts such as: “busybody, gossip, liar, stupid, useless, annoying or ignorant.”

Attempting to win favor with an enemy is the oldest trick in the book with these victims.  If they aren’t trying to kill their abusers with kindness, they are hoping to glean negative information about their abusive partners’ least favorite people in an effort to bond with them. Once again, the abuser is going to turn everything around at some point--put two and two together--and when he does, that is when the disputes may arise.  “Why did you tell me that?  Where did you get your information and what’s in it for you?  Are you trying to come between me and…?  You are up to something, right?”

The punishment is severe for the victim who missteps with her abuser, for example, providing him wrong information, such as a location or item price, misquoting his kin, or having a faulty memory about events.  A victim might think that spoiling an abusive partner with flattering compliments, juicy gossip about friends or foes, or lavishing an abuser or relatives with gifts might be solutions to her many relationship problems.  However, personal peace is short-lived.  Abusers misconstrue statements and actions particularly when they are not in like or love with victims--everything they do is wrong!

Life with an abuser is turbulent and no amount of what you say or do is appreciated for long or at all.  

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and She's Crazy

Feeling Pressured to Buy for Family, See Family, etc. etc.

African American View on You - Black Love, Life and Spirituality: Feeling Pressured to Buy for Family, See Family, a...: Be free today!  No drama!  No attitude toward children who resist going over relatives' homes for the holidays!  See the writing on ...

The Narcissist Will Warn Everyone About You

Financial Abuse - Controlling, Abusive Spouse, Partner

Withholding and Countering - Power and Control in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

In the beginning of the relationship, the man was quite engaged with his new partner.  Asking her about her day, sharing entertaining information about his self, and communicating future plans.  However, about four or six months later, he became withdrawn.  He didn’t offer any information without being asked and even then, he seemed visibly irritated when his lover questioned him about anything.  The woman became increasingly frustrated and tried doing more to get him to talk such as:  perform acts of service, buy gifts, shower with kind words, etc., but to no avail, the man became more closed off about himself with each passing day.  This is the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship, a partner is deliberately withholding emotion, conversation and any other response that helps build a stable intimate relationship. 

In time, there is no open or honest communication coming from the abusive one.  Questions are answered with yes, no or silence.  Most of the time with many abusers it is usually silence.  The silent treatment is the weapon of choice on most days when the abusers feels offended in some way by the victim.  The abuser feels justified when he or she emotionally withdraws. 

The emotionally abusive individual is not engaged in the relationship, rather choosing to view television, phone and computer screens to fantasize about selfish desires, play gaming devices to escape relationship challenges, or work heavily on projects without providing eye contact or verbally communicate. 

Body language toward a partner is oftentimes nonchalant. The abuser prefers to walk away rather than sit and listen while busying one’s self with tasks or others in the room.  It is usually obvious that one is ignoring the victim.  He or she may nod, grunt, roll eyes, use a dismissive hand gesture, yell, name-call, or act condescending.  The abuser is viewed as rude, disrespectful, and arrogant by observants. 

On Making Excuses for Withholding Behaviors

Victims dismiss the early warning signs of an emotionally abusive partner withholding time, attention, affection, conversation and other basic needs of any relationship.  Victims make excuses for abusers’ behaviors using the following excuses.  “He may have had a bad day, I’ll just stop talking.  He needs to be alone, he’s in pain.  She is tired—maybe on her period.  I’ll let her get some rest.  He probably doesn’t feel like doing too much of anything, he works so hard.  I will just go away for awhile and give him some space; hopefully, he will be fine when I come back.”

With the withheld communication, intimacy and other negative reactions the abusive man or woman has stopped providing, the abuser has no clue anymore about the victim’s needs, desires or future plans.  He or she may behave like this for weeks, months or even years!  The abuser has cut the very one he or she claims to love or like off emotionally while expecting the victim to still remain in a one-sided relationship performing kind deeds such as: sharing, giving, loving, listening, being more understanding, and so on for the abuser.

When the victim stops behaving in the ways that the abuser expects, he or she may be threatened, physically abused, or other forms of power and control show up in the relationship like financial and spiritual abuse, gas-lighting and isolation.

Oftentimes the emotionally abusive partner assumes things about a partner that are untrue whether he or she verbally expresses thoughts or not.  Whatever the victim shares about his or herself, the abuser counters with a false claim.  “You know that you like this ice cream, not that one.  That is not your favorite store, it is this one.  You don’t like going there, you prefer going here.”  The abuser will even shop for items that best suit him or her while saying, “I got this for us, you like it?”  If the victim was to defend his or her personal interests and show disappointment in a selection, the abuser would become angry and verbally insult the victim for not liking what he or she said or done.  The abusive partner might say things like, “You are so selfish, such an ingrate!  Do you know much money I spent on this, you better like it, you miserable #$%^!  You are so dumb, stupid…you know how many people would love to be in your shoes!  You never had any good taste!”

On Countering

Whatever the abuser counters against, whether politely or forcefully, that the victim shows interest or admires, the plan is to disempower the victim and make him or her go along with what the abuser wants that really benefits “I” not “we.”  For instance, a travel spot that the abuser likes is projected on to his or her victim whether he or she wants to go or not.  The victim says, “I don’t like that.  I would rather go to this place.”  He or she is interrupted by the abuser with a barrage of reasons as to why “you must, you should” go along with the chosen activity.  The abuser will then systematically plant all sorts of ideas in the victim’s head to go along with what he or she has chosen.  A power-hungry abuser is competitive—arguments are like contests he or she must win.  The self-absorbed abusive man or woman will systematically say and do things for his or her comfort, enjoyment or pleasure with little thought of others’ needs, desires or dreams. 

At first the abuser appears excited, caring and fun when making suggestions for “us” or “we” to plan, purchase, invest, or stay at home.  Yet, the “nice” personality diminishes the more the abusive partner is rejected.  It isn’t long before a seemingly reasonable conversation goes haywire.  The abuser may act like a child with a temper tantrum every time the topic comes up or he or she is triggered some way about the turned-down request.  Other times, the selfish partner patiently waits for an opportunity to reject the victim’s suggestions in an effort to make him or her pay for not going along with his or her idea.  The vengeful behavior can happen repeatedly leaving the victim feeling miserable and confused.  The abuser feels justified in behaving this way over and over again.  The victim is trained over time to go along or else suffer the consequences. 

When a victim goes along with the abuser’s false claims, desires, or incorrect thoughts in an effort to “keep the peace,” concerned family members and friends will start to notice that a victim doesn’t have his or her own interests anymore.  The abusive person is controlling, selfish and mean-spirited.  The victim is expected to ignore the abuser’s negative and irrational reactions to his or her responses and preferences.  The abuser has exposed his or herself showing that he or she is willing to fight about the littlest of things in an attempt to win an argument and get selfish needs met while still gaining control over the victim’s thoughts, mouth, money, time, space and anything else he or she is used to dominating.

You or someone you know may have spent many years in a chaotic relationship and worse yet may have spiritually or physically died in one!  The emotionally abusive man or woman, who doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with him or her, does not change!  Rather the abuser simply goes into hiding when company is around or when he or she is in contact with others outside of the home, the real self is buried temporarily while the angry man or woman’s false persona comes out for the world to see.  That false persona is the person they desire to be--patient, nice, thoughtful or generous.  However, those character traits he or she pretends to have doesn’t accurately reflect the abuser’s true self.  During the honeymoon phase of the relationship, the abuser mirrored his or her partner’s genuinely kind personality to win the victim’s trust, affection, assets, credit, and anything else he or she felt was an added benefit to his or her life.   

Victims stay in miserable relationships for years hoping, wishing and praying that an abusive partner will respond consistently and positively to their needs while behaving rationally and respectfully toward them.  Sometimes change is evident as the abusers age or major life circumstances are experienced; yet power and control behaviors still remain, they simply go into hiding.  It doesn’t take much for abusive tactics to show up once again. 

Peace never lasts for long in difficult relationships with controlling individuals.  For the victims, they have a choice: either remain in the toxic relationship and behave in the ways that controlling partners demand or find an exit sooner rather than later. 

Nicholl McGuire
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate Blog Owner and Author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men, She's Crazy and other books.

On Establishing Independence - No More Depending on Controlling People

Emotional Abuse - Watch for Signs

Listen Closely to What this Former Abuser Says

We hope that people change.  We hope that they don't use abuse to generate pity and gain more power and control for future victims.  We hope for the best.

Domestic Abuse - Signs, Biblical Wisdom about Abuse

What Is The Fate Of A Narcissist?

Why You Couldn't See The Narcissist's Manipulation?

Lauryn Hill - Ex-Factor

Evil Went Into Hiding - news, people, foes

How Did I End up Attracting Emotional, Sexual, and Physical Abusers

Although I didn't have any new visible scars after I left my abusive relationship back in 1996, I did have plenty of wounds on my heart and my mind that didn't start to heal until I recognized the truth about myself and the man I thought would one day be my husband. I realized that I had a history of connecting with wounded souls on an intimate level even when I really didn't like my dates that much from the start.  How and why did that happen? 

It may have started back during my teens when I thought that appeasing a hurting man or woman by giving into their requests was the way to go based on the dysfunctional programming that I watched on and off the television screen.  I saw my relatives do just that when I was a child--give in.  Time and time again they would act like they didn't want to help a manipulator, player, pimp, or hustler, but their mouths would say, "Yes, but only this time."  Codependency was something I was all too familiar with since as a child, I watched how the gullible fed off the hurt of others, assisted them, and then later hated them for what the victims already knew would happen, they would get played in the end.  

Fast forward, I'm a young adult at the time listening to my advisors say, "You know he isn't good for you...you are so much better than him...what do you see in that ugly dude?"  My relatives who tried to mean me well knew I was making similar mistakes and "on purposes" that they had done in the past.  I really didn't know what I saw in those incompatible men especially after having gone through so many disagreements with them.

Many victims don't recognize that emotional, sexual, and physical abuse comes in so many ways and it isn't always about being slapped, hit, choked, or punched.  The hurting woman says, "At least he didn't push me..." so he didn't physically push you, but he pushed your mind to the point of no return with him.  You were pushed into thinking dark thoughts and doing despicable things.  You were pushed into being all things to your abuser that you really didn't want to be.  You were pushed into lying or covering up for him.  You were pushed into manipulating others because of him. 

Once again, abuse comes in many forms while some victims like to make themselves appear like they are somehow better than the victimized women who came before them in that abusive man's life.  They are no better, you are no better, but hopefully, all are wiser as a result of the punishment that you and they endured due to ignorance and naivety from the start of the relationship.

I ended up attracting my share of abusers because of the following:

1) They reminded me of men I grew up with that weren't so nice to women.
2)  I wanted to be "the good woman" in their lives that had a high tolerance for their personality disorders unlike the others so I thought who came before me.
3)  I thought that I could change them if I did more and/or gave more.
4)  I made myself available sexually, economically, etc. even when I shouldn't have.
5)  I received their love bombing and convinced myself they were right for me.
6)  I rushed into making plans with them for fear that they might want someone else (most of them had either bodies, minds, or both somewhere else in addition to me).
7)  I was simply too nice from the beginning and rarely if ever said no to anything they suggested.

The connections were often quick.  There was rarely no time or space given to really sit down and think about these abusive men.  They were controlling, emotionally absent and they faked care.  There was oftentimes something insincere about them from their conversations to their so-called thoughtful yet cheap gifts. 

I felt frustrated in their presence after a while without fully realizing why.  There was something dishonest but at the same time intriguing about the attractive abusers.  Yet, the physically ugly ones made up for their less than appealing looks by appearing to be overly friendly and kind.  Boy, was I a sucker for a so-called generous heart.  However, just as they had their share of shortcomings on the outside, they had even bigger ones on the inside that became harder and harder for them to manage.  What I fell in love with wasn't what I really fell in love with once the mask came off.

Many women find themselves attracting abusers simply because they have shiny valuables that they wear, flashy cars they drive, impressive housing, scents that lure men, and even very attractive friends.  Remember, showy ladies and gentlemen, the more you have, the more the abusive types want from you!  And even if you don't have those things yet, manipulators are listening closely to what you are saying and watching the people you are connected with.  Sooner or later your ship is coming in and they want in.  When you resist, they will threaten, scare, or treat you quite nicely until they get what they want then it is back to mistreating you again.  By the way, are you expecting a new job or promotion, a large tax refund, an inheritance, an accident reimbursement check, or a gift from someone?  Your abuser will be on his or her best behavior for a time in the hopes of helping you spend your money.

To date, I find myself distancing myself from men who I detect have abusive ways about them even if they have yet to do or say anything abusive.  I don't do business with them, discontinue employment if a boss is verbally insulting, and avoid making them close friends.  There is something about evil men (and women too) you can feel and see in time that is often angry, secretive, and/or cold.  If you have an exit plan, use it!  Don't remain friends, lovers, or married to abusive people.

Nicholl McGuire, manager and owner of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate blog.  Reach out to her on her YouTube channel.

Wounded Men and Women - insults, offense, abuse

Valentine's Day - Relationship Pressure & The Aftermath

A Prayer to Overcome Sadness

When Narcissist Dont Hoover You

The Narcissist Always Gives Up and They Are Never Real

My Dad Was Never There For Me

Sexual Fetishes Turn Violent with Abuser - Personal Experience

The sexual encounters filled with psychological manipulation, pain, and control might look glamorous in movies, fun for some, and overall just cool to fantasize about.  However, for abusive men and women, they often take things too far!  I revisited that time in my life where I was in college and enjoyed meeting new people.  I recalled meeting the older gentleman with an articulate speaking voice and appeared to be quite kind.  He was handsome but deadly.  The "nice" man had a dark side.  The more time I spent with him, the more he lured my mind then my body and months later my spirit.  He had broken me.  His sexual fantasies intensified and in some twisted way, I remember caught up in a roller coaster ride of break up to make up until he proposed on Valentine's Day.

His web of destruction was alluring, not demented or crazy.  Things didn't get strange until his requests for me to do more and more for him began to take their toll.  One request was after a heavy make-out session, he wanted me to act like I was being raped by him.  This roleplay session would involve heavy tears, fighting him, and allowing him to rip my clothes.  Although I thought it was odd that he wanted that, I had been sucked in by his charm and reasoned, "We are just acting."  But things grew intense and I wanted "the act" to come to an end.  Of course, resistance was part of the turn-on, so rather than fight, I faked laughter and laid motionless on the bed.  He realized that I wasn't a willing participant and backed off.  Yet, that passive rejection would later invoke an argument and he would end up shoving me.  Of course, not admitting to his disappointment in me, but blaming me for other things.

There were other requests from the abuser including wanting another woman in the bed which I didn't agree to.  Yet, entertained the thoughts and checked out some potentials, but I couldn't go through with it.  He had a porn collection and thought that might get me in the mood to fulfill his will, but it didn't.  Once again, I was an unwilling participant and he was going to make me pay sooner or later.  He would never connect his frustration with me rejecting his ideas with why he was tripping me with his feet when I walked by, cursing me for no apparent reason, name-calling or hitting me.

Abusive men and women are like selfish children who don't get their way, they pout, complain, nit-pick, refuse to talk, scream and of course fight.  They verbally and physically abuse and refuse to be held accountable for their actions because "You made me do it!"

Looking back, had I been the willing participant, what would I had been left with mentally, physically and spiritually?  I would have had, even more, wounds to heal from after coming out of that disturbing relationship.  There would have been no awareness blogs like this, no inspirational and spiritual audio to help others, no nonfiction books, no self-esteem...NOTHING! 

There are so many among us who don't believe that their giving into the pressure and pleasure of others is doing any harm to their selves mentally and so on, but it is!  For every yes, that you really don't mean, you are allowing feelings of resentment, bitterness, hatred and more to build up in your heart. You convince yourself that you are "okay" and "alright," but you are not. 

I recall a couple dark and painful sexual experiences that I did agree to, and to be frank, they hurt me not only mentally, but physically too for the rest of my life--you read correctly the rest of my life!  I made decisions based on what my abuser said but not what I truly felt inside.  Those decisions negatively impacted my body for a lifetime.  No one is worth any kind of sexual fetish that clearly goes against the Bible--no one! 

Days following, the abusive man I had been involved with acted as if nothing happened--life went on.  He didn't share anything I needed to know about his personal history like sexual encounters and why he had the kind of desires that he did.  My abuser didn't even speak of what we did to me (which I can't get into detail--sorry).  I didn't get any special brownie points with him for finally being his willing participant.  If anything, my abuser thought about what more I could potentially do for him in the future.  Mind you, I did nothing with him for money, fame or fortune, I just loved him more than most, I guess.  However, my guard went back up concerning his sexual requests after noticing that saying yes meant nothing to him.  A portal of greed, deception, corruption and more is open when you agree to do things that you innately know are simply wrong even when it comes to sex.

Think about the future, your future with that one who wants more and more from you.  I learned that sexual fetishes can grow into far more than you realize and affect other areas of your life that you think you are in control of.  One can easily turn over control of his or her life to the abusive one without realizing it and what better way when you are vulnerable during sexual moments. 

Are you willing to sell your soul to the devil for your abuser?  Abusive men or women are some of Satan's darkest troops they feed off of your willingness to do just about anything for love and try anything for attention.  Far too many victims have fallen down that rabbit hole of evil and never got out! Not only that, they have given up every orifice of their bodies to appease someone/something that is never satisfied.  Just say "no" and mean it next time.

Nicholl McGuire is the manager of this blog and others.