Sunday

When a Partner Controls Your Money

You can't spend any money without your partner knowing.  You are questioned about what you are doing with your money when he or she asks for some.  You are left feeling guilty when you take money that you have earned to buy something for yourself.  Anyone going through something like this is being controlled.

When one is being controlled, he or she doesn't always know or feel like he or she is being controlled because some individuals just have a charming way of manipulating you into abiding by their rules.  If the rules are, "We tell each other everything including what we do with the money we spend..."  Then quite naturally one is going to go along to get along.  However, slowly but surely one relinquishes all power over to the one making the rules.  He or she loses his or herself into a partner's world that is dominated by a need to know everything.  A partner who is riddled with jealousy, insecurity, unresolved past issues, and more. 

When the one being controlled finally awakens to the harsh reality for days, weeks or even years he or she has been dominated by someone who claims to love him or her, that is when the verbal or possible physical battles increase.  The need to regain one's sense of control over his or her finances is heightened.

One way to gradually get your power back is to start saving money.  Open up an account and start putting money away.  Most likely, the one who has been controlling the purse strings is also controlling sex, purchases, holiday celebrations, vacations, children, household duties, and more.  The victim will need to create a plan that frees him or her of a partner's controlling ways and it will cost much money and time to get away.

Consider opening an online bank account with zero fees, learn more here.  Once the account is set up be sure that no statements come to your address and have money automatically withdrawn from your paycheck.  Don't allow feelings of guilt or a need to be open and honest move you to miss your chance to break free.  Manipulative people know how to work on your mind to get you to do things you rather not do.  They know how to make you answer to them like a child does with a parent.  However, you are not a child and you were not destined to be under someone's control.  Your life should mean more to you than appeasing a mentally sick person.  Start protecting your heart and your finances today!

Controlling people will use your finances to protect their own.  They will tell you they have little or no money so that you can use all of yours while they hold on to their wealth.  Without money, you aren't going to think about leaving the residence that you share with them.  They will also find ways to get you to contribute to their personal plans like buying yet another new thing for the house, bills they have accrued, and whatever else they can come up with.  Meanwhile, you are penniless and can't get away even if you tried, because their charm, promises of gifts, sex, etc. or tactics to make you feel guilty will keep you dependent on them.

Wake up and start creating a plan of independence today.  Get your own account. Click here.

Nicholl McGuire shares tips and offers products and services to help people both on and offline get their personal affairs in order.

Saturday

He Fights You Instead of Fighting Those in the World Who Has Hurt Him

Fearful of unleashing his emotions on the person who caused him so much pain, he takes his issues out on you--the woman who loves him. 

He is angry at a single man or a group.  He ignores, yells, complains, and acts as if it is your fault that he has failed yet again in his decision-making.  You show him the truth about himself, and he hates you for it.  He smiles at everyone else, but you.  He talks at length with everyone else, but you.  He acts interested in everyone else, but you.  This is a different kind of abuse, an emotional kind that if experienced for any length of time can prematurely age you and drive you mad if you let it.

What woman wants to stay in a relationship with a miserable man who acts in threatening ways?  A man who doesn't respond unless confronted about his actions and then when he is told about them, he uses reverse psychology.  He refuses to hold himself accountable for his lackluster personality when it comes to his mate and children.  He doesn't want to admit that he conducts himself very rudely toward those he claims he loves.  He has threatening mannerisms when angry. 

He believes that his woman is supposed to simply understand.  But what might happen when she throws "understanding" out the window?  Her temper might rage one day to the point of no return.  She may scream, throw things, verbally or physically abuse the man who acts nice to everyone else, but her.  "Why should I put up with this...Who does he think he is?  I'll show him..." she tells herself.  A domestic situation most likely will result.  Meanwhile, the man might pretend as if he did nothing or said nothing to provoke such crazy behavior.

Discerning people can read the emotionally abusive man.  He typically acts strangely, withdrawn, weird at times.  He doesn't smile much, if not at all.  He seems to be aloof, caught up in a world all his own.  Every now and then his inner self comes out and interacts with the world around him before he goes into hiding.  He is like a psychopath, uncaring and may use his spirituality as a front to cover the strange person within.  He is disappointed with himself, but he can't express it, because he doesn't want to appear weak.  

The strange man fights the one he claims he loves, yet acts like a coward in the world.  Other men notice his weaknesses and don't have much to say to him.  They point out his strange ways to others, but just so long as he seems to have a decent personality, they don't care much. 

Emotionally abusive men wouldn't last one round in the ring with a mentally strong male.  They would most likely find a way to "act" their way out of trouble.  "Man let's just settle this...Let's be smart about this...I don't want to fight."  Yet, with women, look out!  These weak-minded men are ready to fight these women over the littlest thing they say whether with words, fists or both.

If this should describe a man you know, do find your strength within you and work a plan that will get you to a place of emotional safety.  You may have to leave him or he might have to leave you.  Emotionally abusive men rarely change.  If they are older, they are stubborn in their ways.  Do what is in your power to free yourself while you still have your sanity.  Emotionally abusive men will drive you crazy and then call you crazy as if they had nothing to do with hurting you in the first place.

Nicholl McGuire
 

Sunday

Arguments that Make No Sense

The Christian will blame the devil, the psychologist will say it happens due to conflicting personality disorders, the parent will call it crazy, frequent arguments between two emotional people.  One may have entered the relationship more sensitive to drama than the other, but by the time the relationship matures, both are hypersensitive ready to kill one another!

Arguments, do you even recall what was the last thing you disputed with someone about?  They are petty, loud, and unnecessary most of the time.  It's one thing having a friendly debate over issues related to things like: politics, family, work, food and places, but all out yelling and threats to hit someone because they disagree?  What!?

When bad relationships have arrived to the point of no return is when you frequently disagree about nothing.  Someone or both will need to remove his or herself from the shared atmosphere until the two are able to cool off.  But what if the "cool off" period generates no positive results?  Time to move on!

A healthy cool off period may last an hour, a day, or even the length of a vacation, but usually the couple is back to loving/liking/ each other.  They are attentive, caring, and try very hard to avoid another major disagreement.  But those who have a cool off period and still feel hatred toward one another are just setting themselves up for a life of losses--from loss of job to loss of freedom!  No person is worth giving up your ability to care for yourself!  Couples have lost their good name, homes, cars, and more due to senseless arguments.  Some never seem to get ahead because of a partner in his or her ear keeping up trouble.

Nicholl McGuire 

Friday

Poem: Ignored

When I met the charming one,
he was complete.
Finances appeared not to deplete.

Layer after layer, his demeanor,
something impressive.
The relationship was simply
progressive.

He had a fancy car,
I didn't meet him in any bar.
I said to myself, "He's the type,
he and I will go very far."

His smile was very nice,
his words did entice.

He had owned acres of land.
I found myself falling for this man,
my heart was in his hand.

Relationship began to shift,
like flour through a sift.

What was I to do,
when I noticed his words
became few?

Walked by me like I wasn't much,
held back even the slightest touch.

Talked negatively to others about me,
tried to figure out what did he see?

Offering myself to him like a slave,
money and time, I had gave.

Didn't question the things that he did,
didn't want to blow his lid.

But why was I giving him money or even a little honey?
His sense of humor wasn't the least bit funny.

Then later I learned,
when checks were returned.

Found out more than I wanted,
noticed how he had taunted,
the one before me with his lies,
the one he pretended that he despised.

Looked for ways to compete with me,
insecure, jealous, and a little crazy!

The actor had went away,
to which god did he like to pray?

Served much time, like I did a crime!

For years, fighting back fears!
For years, wiping away tears!

Kept down hope, only tried to cope.

Made mistakes that I couldn't fix,
should have never got caught in
love's mix.

I walking around sometimes
with face to the ground.

I ignored when he was bored.

Love for him, no longer stored.

Nicholl McGuire

Dedicated to those who suffer and are still suffering with a partner who is emotionally abusive.

Tuesday

"We're So Open with One Another" - Tools to Control the Unsuspecting

He bragged about how his future, the woman of his dreams being "so easy to talk to" while she described her "Soul Mate" as being "open, honest and understanding."  However, the two learned after less than a year of dating one another that their facades were nothing more than sales pitches designed to keep the two engaged to one another while shutting everyone else out.

On the outside looking in, observers saw happy people in photographs and a "nice couple" meeting and greeting them.  But what they didn't know is that deep down inside the pair had many warring demons--spirits with many fights to pick.  Jesus was petitioned to come save the couple, but to no avail, because the two couldn't fight personal demons long enough to let an all-knowing God work on them.

The more open one is about his or her past, the more tools you give the double-minded to use against you.  People can dialogue about almost anything, but knowing everything isn't a good thing when you are in a troubled relationship.  Words will hurt.  Past secrets revealed will come back to haunt you.  Disturbed minds don't play fair!

Arguing, cursing, throwing things, lying, acting deceptively, and of course hitting, are all negative reactions that go on behind closed doors between couples who have known one another briefly or for quite a long time.  Enough incidents like this, and the rational mind will check out.  One might behave insanely as a result of all he or she has gone through in the volatile relationship. 

The unsuspecting couple just didn't know when they first started chatting with one another just how deep personal wounds of one's past and present go.  They had no clue about the mess they would later inherit after a first meeting of warm smiles, good conversation, and a hearty meal from the beautiful dame or handsome beau seated across from them.

"We're so open with one another," she says.  He agrees.  A popular statement that really has no long-lasting impact on building one's relationship.  People are open with one another everywhere--from the board room to the bathroom, but it doesn't mean you take them home with you!  Besides, are people, by their very nature, open?  Most lie or cover up feelings, stories, actions, and in actions.  The braggart, who speaks of having an open and honest dialogue with one's partner, eventually learns that many lies and deceptive practices are used to get one to "calm down, do for me, love me" at least for awhile.  Little does one know it will only be a matter of time when the more aggressive of the two will no longer accept being pacified with charm.  "Whatever happen to honesty!?" she cries out.  It is usually at this point when police are called.

Nicholl McGuire

 

Different Types of Abuse



There are many forms of abuse couples will use to maintain control over the other.  She refers to men abusing women, but there are also women who use similar tactics on men.

Saturday

You Think Your Abusive Partner is Misunderstood By Everyone But You

He yells, cries, lies, curses, and you forgive him.  He tells you that he has had a hard life that no one understands.  He says, "I love you, thank you for being in my life...for putting up with me." and so you wear his statements like badges of honor.  "Oh, honey.  You can trust me.  I love you too...we will get through this together...I get you--even if no one else does, I get you."  No you don't.  You think you do, but you don't.  Self-deception will get you hurt.

I am Nicholl McGuire, the creator of this blog and the self-published author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate.  Never in a thousand years does anyone truly know a human made of mind, body and spirit.  No matter how many classes you take, degrees you receive, and how much time you spend with a subject, you never truly get them!  Of course, there are professionals who can describe one's personality, every now and again predict an abuser's next move, and may even forecast his or her fate.  But the professionals, as well as loved ones, don't truly know an angry man or woman's mindset like they believe.  One's disturbed mind hasn't a clue the desires of one's heart.  This is why some will say after a murder, "I never thought he would have...did anyone notice the signs?  He was so nice, friendly and a church-goer, how could he do such a thing?" 

A fragmented soul is so far from his Creator. The Bible warns us of hypocrites, pretenders of the faith.  One thing a Good Samaritan can do for the violent is direct his spirit back to the one who gave him life.  In other words, say a silent prayer, then walk away, let me repeat, then walk away!

Yet, the one who wants to play God in the violent man or woman's life, will take risks anyway.  Before long, the person is cheated on, threatened, cursed, robbed of wealth, ignored, spat upon, beaten, kicked--treated like a dog.  "I just wanted to help...I really loved him...I thought he had changed," the victim cries.  Well he hadn't.  Years of abuse in his own life doesn't change anything.  But what if he wasn't abused?  What if he had a decent life growing up?  Then he is mentally sick, not everyone was born emotionally stable and those who were born "okay" don't always stay that way.  What can one do for someone like this?  Once again, pray and guide him away from you.  Find safety in your storm.  The focus shouldn't be on staying together, but protecting you and children.  The help is out there, but the one who thinks he or she can save everyone doesn't look to external help, because he or she is equally controlling, selfish, rude, bitter, arrogant, or mentally disturbed just like the angry mate in his or her life. 

The depressed and stressed women and men in these turbulent relationships that are like this, "Today we get along and tomorrow we hate one another," falsely believe that every ex-partner just doesn't understand us, "...but we do."  Exs are exs for good reason and not evey ex was "crazy" like some of these violent individuals would have you to believe.  People can drive others crazy in arguments, but it doesn't mean that they are mentally troubled for always.  Consider this, exs are free, but what about you?  Exs go on with their lives?  But what about you?  Exs are much happier than the people who have inherited their troubles.  So don't believe the lies, cover ups and exaggerations of a controlling, bad-tempered man or woman about his or her ex--you do have eyes, see things for what they really are!  The ex got the hell out of that emotional roller coaster ride of a relationship!

So to those women and men who think that they are "the prize" for being with an emotionally unstable individual who just so happens to look good or have a large bank account, know that you inherited nothing more than a time bomb waiting to explode.  He or she may not hurt you this month or six months from now, but sooner or later his or her violent side will be triggered and when it does, look out!  Family members and friends, who truly care about you, see the man or woman without rose colored glasses and warn you.  Why defend what you know to be true?  Forget who's right and who's wrong and do something about your situation.  Don't wait for someone else to save your life (like I did), save your own!  Forgive yourself for being with an emotionally and/or physically abusive person.  Create an exit plan, and then move on with your life.  Freedom never looked so good! 

Nicholl McGuire
God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

Thoughts of Divorce?

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