Sunday

Too Much Pain - Enough is Enough - Snapped Out

How long do you keep standing by watching a parent be abused?  How much more can you take in an abusive relationship?  Someone is going to snap!  A person or the family will lose it one day.  Then what?  The enablers will want to defend their beloved, abusive family member.

"I don't know why they killed him, my brother was good to them."

"I don't believe my sister was violent.  She was always so nice when I visited the family home."

"I can't think for the life of me why she did it, why did she hurt my son like that!"

They claim to not know anything.  These family members in denial falsely believe that a son, brother, daughter, or sister "would never," "couldn't have" and "he/she was just a good husband, father..."  The abused didn't deserve death.  Although they are justified in feeling like a beloved relative shouldn't have been viciously abused or murdered, running away from the truth that the person had no part in being abusive is na├»ve and ignorant.

People wear many sides to their personalities.  One for work, another for church, then another when around extended family members, and then add one for friends, and then one more for strangers on the street.  The reality is oftentimes people with a lot going on with them have a personality disorder/mental illness, and unresolved past issues from childhood.  Now what do you think you will get?  A person with a light and dark side -- one with layers of faces and abusive tactics when he or she feels powerless and out of control.

Believe that a family member is capable of abusing one's partner and children.  Believe that a beloved relative could mistreat a pet.  Believe that all people are capable of doing things that would blow your mind no matter their title, what they have, and how "nice" they are!  Know that an abuser or a victim can come to a point in their intimate relationships that they lose it and not realize they are so far gone mentally in a crazy-making household that they snap!

The pain of being used and abused over and over again with yet another honeymoon period and another can be too much to bear on one's mind.  Today a batterer says or acts like he hates his wife and children, tomorrow he says he loves them.  Today he promises not to emotionally and/or physically abuse relatives (sometimes the issues carry outside the home--watch for signs), but then in a few days he is back to doing it again with drink and drugs in his system.  She says she isn't crazy, but all her mannerisms say that she is.  A turbulent household can make one or more people living there go mad!  If you were a child witnessing all of the turmoil, walking on egg shells, listening to abusive parents say mean things to one another, you just might have a moment or two where you think some dark things, but just because you rose above your negative thoughts, doesn't mean that someone else staying with you will.

Enough is enough, the abused is looking for justice.  Maybe God isn't answering prayers right now.  Maybe family members and friends are not listening, too busy defending the abuser.  Maybe the person is snapping or the mind is on the way out.  Talk to the person who is having more than a bad day.  Look at yourself in the mirror, are you going through much and need someone to talk you  out of doing something drastic? 

"Don't do it, it's not worth it."

"Think of your career, family...you can rise above this!"

"You want to be free, feel safe, you can do it without destroying the abuser."

"You are better than him. You have a life!  Things will get better once you exit the relationship."

"Think, no more worrying over what he says, does.  No more chasing after a broken dream.  Your child/children won't ever have to hear your screams, curses with him again.  Don't you want to see them happy?" 

If you are the one answering the phone one day from a victim, understand that isn't the time to talk about what you think you know about a relative or what you haven't seen or heard or encourage them to stay somewhere that is volatile.  Just because the batterer was never abusive in front of you or the victim never breathed a word about fighting going on in the home, doesn't mean that someone or a group wasn't being abused behind closed doors.  Even if it happened years back or currently, the scene still might play out in the victim's mind.  Things like abuse don't easily go away.

Now if you are the victim, it is never too late to end this madness before you or someone in your household does the unthinkable.  Make this week the time you plan your exit.  Contact your local domestic violence hotline or community group and receive some guidance.  Leaving a relationship after the holidays just might be too late.

Nicholl McGuire
Blog Owner and Author of She's Crazy and many other books.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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