Privately Abusive - excerpt from Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men by Nicholl McGuire

Say something to the public charmer that sounds critical and then it won't be long before his evil twin the private abuser shows up. The charmer's smile fades away as quick as it came; in its place now reveals an evil scowl. Say too much and things just might get physical. He is more cautious around males then females who know him well, because he doesn't want to have to go toe to toe with another man if he can help it. Mr. Abuser knows better to exercise a bit of self-control when he knows he could lose everything messing with the wrong person. Dr. Phil says, "There are no victims, only volunteers." Don't go along to get along. Peace at any price is no peace at all.

On Dating or Marrying a Loser

Do women recognize the kind of men they are with and do they listen closely to what their partners are saying and not saying especially during those first meetings? The evidence is there. From the way a man stands to the take charge attitude he has and all the quirky stuff he does in between, rather than dismiss what one sees, feels, hears, smells, and tastes, consider your senses are mere warnings of pending dangers. Your discernment doesn't stop after engagement and marriage. People change and what they were yesterday isn't necessarily who or what they are today. When a man tells you, "I don't know what that smell is..." yet you distinctively smell a fragrance of a woman, know that there is more to the story. If he should explain, "I don't know what you saw," yet you know that he is hiding something. Don't go along with his game, investigate. "You are crazy, I wasn't with a woman," he says. But let's say you heard a familiar woman's voice in the background when you called; however he claimed to be out with the boys. He tells you, "Why you always thinking I'm with another woman?" yet you know he is lying once again. Stick to what you know to be true. Manipulative charmers will attempt to persuade you not to trust your instincts every time! When a woman gets tired of listening to a liar's stories, checking up on him, arguing, fighting, and doing other things that keep her stressed, she will come to a point when she will know for sure whether or not she wants to stop getting on that merry-go-round of a relationship. However, some women never get off until death and prior to that time they are so broken physically and emotionally from the batterers that they just don't feel like they ever had a good life.

Behind Closed Doors

So who are these public charmers/private abusers really? Let's take a moment to look at their mindsets. If someone does something a controlling man doesn't like, he may not say one word to him in public. However, when left alone to think about the day's offenses, this is when the public charmer will turn into the private abuser. All in the home just might catch hell. If witnesses catch wind that the victim(s) was berated or worse physically assaulted, the first thing that tends to come out of their mouths is, "What did you do wrong?" It isn't about what you did that angered the private abuser, the question is, "What could be going on inside of that man's mind?" 

Many of these hurting men have past issues that they didn't bother to address. Victims believe that they can save these men by loving them and being servants to them. Love and service just isn't enough!

Nicholl McGuire has other books including: Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself, Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Say Goodbye to Dad and She's Crazy.