Is Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend Conceited, Arrogant, Turn People Off?

Why You Should Avoid Marriage

Some people in this world are simply in love with themselves to the point that they are almost obsessed with their beauty, intelligence, material wealth, and the praise they receive from others. Psychologists have a word for people who are overly conceited, self-absorbed, and believe they are better than others. They describe their attitudes and behaviors as narcissistic.

We all possess some of the character traits of a narcissist from time-to-time, but that doesn’t mean we are one. There are those people who have an exaggerated sense of self-importance, and expect excessive admiration for what they feel are their exceptional talents, achievements, and other things they do for themselves and others. They are usually very handsome, beautiful people in the public, but at home, behind closed doors, they are far from it. If they feel they are being underappreciated, you will see the haughty, arrogant, jealous side come out. They expect those closest to them to worship them if not more than others.

Conceited partners will say things like, “I don’t think my mate appreciates me,” even though the evidence shows otherwise. They will talk badly about family, friends, and people at their workplace when they disagree with them or criticize their appearance or actions. “All I do for the company and he had the nerve to tell me that I was late completing his request. He should have done it himself.” This may have only been one criticism in months, but the narcissist is going to make a big deal about it. “I don’t know why he said that. I mean we are good friends, he knows I would have turned it in on time, but he was the one that kept me busy doing other things.”

Our perfect girlfriend or boyfriend will keep that criticism in the back of his or her mind and will attempt to get back at the supervisor in a passive aggressive type of way. He or she may turn down a lunch invite by the supervisor hoping that their rejection will send a subtle message. They may stop doing special favors for the boss, because he or she is still upset.

If they can make a “mountain out of a mole hill” so the saying goes at the workplace, they will. What do you think they will do when you live with them? Asking the King or Queen of the house to do something that doesn’t benefit them in anyway almost certainly changes their happy mood into a sour one. “How long is this going to take? You know I had plans to do…I don’t have any gas money to be running you around town.” But they have plenty of time and money to do what they want when they want! Your simple request disrupted the plans in their head. You see in the world of the selfish, they have “their” plans-- the ones you know about and the ones you don’t. They don’t want to do something for nothing and even if they are getting something they may still have a negative attitude which they are hoping you will see and say, “Don’t worry about it I will do it myself!”

You may be dating a person like this and may be considering marrying them, but their behavior is turning you off almost daily, and you wonder if you will be able to look past their issues and enjoy a great relationship with them. Let’s examine some other character traits about them that may bother you and why marriage should be the last thing you should be considering with the narcissist.

Your partner may be particular about his or her appearance to the point that it makes you sick or nervous. Working out often, taking too many diet pills, herbal supplements or drinks, starving themselves, frequently getting hair and nails done to the point that they are maxing out credit cards, and spending far too much money on spa treatments are some of the characteristics of a narcissist.

Your conceited boyfriend or girlfriend is use to receiving adoration from his or her admirers so when you aren’t complimenting them frequently or showering them with praise, they become critical of you. If they can’t find anything on the surface about you, they will look for something. “You know I don’t like the way you talk to me.” When you probe, it turns out you may have told them to do something in a tone that offended them rather than ask them in what they considered a nicer tone (you may have realized this hurt their feelings and already apologized) but your mate will bring it back up again.

Someone or a group of people talked about how intelligent your partner is, “She is so great…He is absolutely wonderful…I couldn’t have done it without him…” Now you or me may take the compliment and humbly say, “Thank you.” But not the narcissist, oh no, they have to give a detailed explanation on the experience, how many hours it took, the degree they received, what others said, and what they hope to do in the future. Did the fan ask for all of that?

Your partner most likely has plenty of childish mannerisms too. He pouts when he doesn’t get his way and may give you the silent treatment. She yells whenever you want to discuss something important. He or she may even act immature when it comes to having sex. When they want it, they expect you to deliver, but when you want it, they seem to never be in the mood. When they are still holding a grudge about something that happened two weeks or two years ago, they may withdraw from intimacy, sex or both.

Women narcissists are slightly different than the male narcissist. They are immature too about the matters already discussed, but they are also very childish when it comes to invitations and party planning. If you don’t come to their tea parties, she is talking negatively about you to everyone else. If you don’t offer to help clean up after the event, she is complaining to the other guests. The narcissist’s fantasy world is perfect and everyone is supposed to help with his or her creation with zero error and criticisms. Don’t do anything that might disturb the event, even if it was an accident, you might not be invited back.

Narcissist women and men who are fathers think their parenting style is the best in the world. They have read books and recreated this perfect world in their heads of what a family should look like. They tell parents who are going through their share of childrearing challenges, “Well if I were you I would…You know you should try…I did this with my child and it worked perfectly!” Meanwhile, they have ignored what you said about the strategy not working, but he or she is going to say what they feel anyway. They are also judgmental and think that the reason why you couldn’t do any better or you are having your problems is because “You didn’t do…You should have done…You ought to…” You feel like telling them to “Shut up! No one asked you!”

Children are the mini-me(s) of the narcissists. Some will hold them up in high esteem and others will look at them as nothing more than a disruption of their perfect world. They will say things like “I wasn’t ready for children-- I had plans. Why don’t we consider aborting…?” Others who are okay with the idea of having children will brag and boast about them a great deal. “My child is beautiful…he is so smart…she looks just like me…my children are better looking than most…My child is going to be the next, great…My child is in this group…does this activity…plays this part…”

You usually walk away feeling like he or she has no life and so they are building their lives around their children. Of course they are, because their fantasy world fell apart somewhere and now they have to recreate it through their children. Once the children become of age to make their own decisions that is when the narcissist will have many problems with their once favored child.

Narcissistic people can either be very talkative or very quiet. I haven’t personally met one that was in between. The talkative people are either talking a great deal about themselves or the quiet ones are either thinking a lot about themselves. In their fantasy worlds of perfect people, relationships, plans, systems, and so on, they detest the idea that their world can come shattering down by others at any given moment. They are often jealous of others relationships, beauty, careers, finances, material wealth, etc. They often say things like, “They have the perfect relationship, and I hope to have one like that one day. I am going to have a car like his one day. I know someone who can get this for me. I wish my family was more like theirs.”

When what they say is called into question such as, “So you and your family aren’t close?” They will say, “I didn’t say that. I love my mom and dad. They were always around when we were children.” However, the reality was that mom may have been a drunk; dad was abusive or left the family home when he or she was a child, and the rest of the family didn’t bother with them. If they told you anything that seemed to cast them in a bad light, they will change the story every time. If anyone in the family tells you anything about them or the family in general that is negative, they will deny everything. “No, what she really meant was…No that didn’t happen…”

Narcissistic people love to exaggerate. Everything, person, event or situation is either: better, funnier, sadder, crazier, or angrier than what it really was. Narcissistic people want to be the center of attention. Celebrities are a good example of this. If you ever want to put a celebrity out of business, orchestrate a huge march, protest against them. If the negative media attention is powerful enough, most of them will go into hiding. Many are narcissistic they thrive on the positive attention and when they don’t get it they worry, so they become desperate and do crazy things just to be in the spotlight.

People who are in love with themselves are really not. They are in lust with who they are. Just as lust is nothing more than a temporary emotion, so are the feelings of the narcissist. He or she is captivated with the idea that someone finds them attractive, intelligent, caring, and nice. But, secretly they don’t like much about themselves. They know they can’t live up to their own standards, let alone anyone else’s and this reality frustrates them.

So if arrogant people can control or manipulate someone or a situation to at least satisfy their innate need to be perfect, then they will. Their marriages usually don’t last, because their emotions for the one they claim they love were only temporary. It was never really love to begin with. How can they love someone else, when they can’t put down the mirror, their own ideologies, their own needs or wants long enough to see someone else’s appearance and views?

Narcissists are big on saying things like, “I’m my own man! I am not weak. I’m not like those sheep in churches. I don’t need to vote. I’m not influenced by anyone.” They think they don’t need anyone and they believe they aren’t moved by others. However, the truth is they are the biggest rip off artists. They steal people’s ideas all the time and claim they thought of it. They say they can take care of themselves, but when the going gets tough, they are asking you for help.

Selfish, conceited people not only deceive themselves, but are hypocrites too! They say that people who attend churches, get counseling or participate in support groups are weak, but their sad reality is they need help more than anyone. They are like the man or woman who is dying at home and refuses to go to the hospital across the street all because they don’t want anyone to know that they are sick.

Your partner may lie a lot. He may lie in his sleep. The whole idea behind the lying is to protect oneself from conflict. In the narcissist’s world, there is no conflict even if there should be to bring about change. They don’t want to get involved, even though they are the cause of the drama. He or she will lie to get what they want. They will lie to keep from paying for something, he or she may tell his or herself, “Why should I pay for it? I deserve it anyway. It’s not like the company will miss it.”

The self-centered lie to stay in relationships that benefit them. They aren’t leaving their partners who can help them achieve goals, save money, or do something else for them for two minutes of pleasure, no matter what they say. Narcissists like to keep connections with anyone that can help them, no matter how corrupt the person or relationship has become.

One of the tell-tale signs of the narcissist is their lack of empathy. Tell them a story about someone’s struggle, pain, or success. They don’t care. The quiet narcissist says nothing. He or she makes you feel as if their deaf, dumb or dead. “Did you hear what I just said?” They nod and keep on about their day. They may say something totally unrelated usually something that has to do with their selfish plans going on inside his or her head. The talkative narcissist is looking for faults in any story you bring them, boasting about the obstacles he or she had overcome, and using the opportunity to show off his or her intelligence about the matter.

Narcissists surround themselves with anything that will recreate the world inside their mind. Whether it is pornography, posters of beautiful women and men, magazines that celebrate glamour, movies from the good ole’ days they never grew out of, and various entertainment that stimulate their perfect world. They may spend hours on the Internet surfing social networking sites looking at the “cute” girls and guys. They may window shop for hours just looking at clothes, shoes, purses and other items they could never afford.

Narcissists will invite you into their world by announcing their plans to buy a certain thing hoping you will volunteer to buy it for them. They may want you to take them to some place they “always wanted to go.” Sometimes they will go without you and sometimes they won’t. They carry themselves in such a way that makes you feel as if they are cheating on you, some are and some aren’t. Unannounced trips to the store, private phone conversations, late night emails, unexplained days off or leaving work early, mail hidden out of plain view, and other secretive behavior will make any woman or man assume cheating.

Sometimes the narcissist isn’t cheating, but only wants to keep to him or herself without answering to anyone. They may have been living this way for years and will not change, because to change means a disruption of a world that they are not willing to compromise for anyone no matter how much you talk to him or her about how their actions make you feel. “Why do you treat me like…Why do you behave like…?” The narcissist will answer, “Because I have been doing it this way for years.”

Some people may be so blinded by love that they go ahead and marry the narcissist. If you should, you already have an idea what you will have to face. So how do you cope? The most important thing you will have to do is take the word “assist” out of narcissist and don’t overdo it. To assist them in their world is to be a servant to them, catering to their needs, putting theirs, above your own.

The narcissist sees you as an “answer to their prayers” in more ways than one. In their mind you were put on this planet to benefit them. So if you are hurt, wounded, need to be comforted, you will most likely not feel complete in the narcissist’s arms. If you are expecting genuine compassion, you won’t be getting it from him or her. It will be nothing more than a well-rehearsed, phony act. So learn how to seek support from someone other than your selfish mate.

When things go wrong in your partner’s life such as unexpected children, unemployment, death, and other life circumstances, he will look to place blame on any and everything including you. Agreeing with him and taking responsibility for actions out of your control is not what you want to do. Instead, you walk away from he or she when they are in this kind of mood and find something to do that will lift your spirits.

You will be questioned about anything that is bothering them and they will expect you to explain in detail and all in the same breath tell them why they are better than everyone else. “Who is that man you were talking to…Would you like to be with him…? You aren’t happy with everything I have done for you?” Don’t fall into this trap. If you start giving explanations for everything they question you about, you will start to feel as if you are a child consulting with their parents.

When they are enraged, they will intimidate. Yelling in your face, threatening you, and even acting violently, these are all similar to the physically abusive mate. Except when you mirror their behavior, you will notice the narcissist will suddenly become the rational person who wants to act like an adult and accuse you of acting like a fool. They are very selective of what they will apologize for and it is usually for insignificant things that they have done.

You will feel emotionally and physically drained in the marriage wishing at times that either you or they would jump off a cliff. The emotional rollercoaster ride that you will take changes from one day to the next. Some days you are climbing up a steep hill, other days you are going down the hill as fast as the ride will carry you. I have personally felt like I was losing my mind in this kind of relationship.

At times, I felt that he was purposely driving me crazy, so that he could rid of me and keep the children. He told me one day, before we had children, that he wanted children with or without their mother. Loyalty was big on his list and he figured he could have the kind of relationship where his girlfriend and his future children would obey his commands and be of service to him. He learned the hard way that it just isn’t so!

Narcissists are born from narcissistic parents--adults who were extremely judgmental, hard to please, abusive and/or exhibited bad parenting practices. As a child they fantasized about getting away, creating their own perfect family. Instead, what they do is repeat the negative cycle with their partners and children. When they are shown their negative behavior, they either deny that is what they are doing, belittle themselves or those around them, or abandon their family.

From childhood to adulthood, I have been around self-centered people who had low levels of conceit and arrogance in their characters to high levels of flat out selfishness. Angry because no one will go out of their way to bail them out of their problems for the umpteenth time, these people are wonderful to be around in limited doses, but spend any length of time with them and you will want to run away from them. The conversation quickly changes from “How are you?” to “I this…I that….I want…I need.” I personally witnessed disturbing scenes of violence as a result of narcissistic behavior, narcissists being knocked to the floor for inappropriate and judgmental comments.

Some examples of narcissist behavior gone awry include: loud mouth bullies upset because someone didn’t cater to their needs, insulted due to constructive criticisms about their relationship, money or parenting. Storming out and slamming doors behind them because someone challenged them to a debate that they know they couldn’t win.

Giving a narcissistic an ultimatum to change their “evil” ways is a waste of breath. You can’t convince a person who believes that they are God’s gift to the world to suddenly admit, “Yes I am wrong, you are right.” You will either have to accept their personality disorder or call it quits.

Nicholl McGuire

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