Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Right now it doesn't look like it.  You have been with a partner for years and have tolerated much.  From the lying to the emotional and/or physical affairs or worse beatings, you know in your mind it is time to go, but when?  "When" is not a question you rush to answer.  One's steps to end a miserable relationship are careful, calculated, and consistent.  Each step moves you closer to freedom! Check your mind. If you are no longer finding yourself hoping/wishing/waiting for something to change in the angry or abusive mate, you are well on your way toward independence.  If you are still caught up in a world of fantasy, you are merely hindering yourself emotionally and physically and it will continue to feel like you will never get free. Check your heart. Still in love or like when he or she does something nice/funny/thoughtful?  Time to put the sentimental emotions in a box and store them away in a closet or a shelf, but not in your heart....

They lie about money, where they go, who they talk to, and more.   Victims have learned to play a game of sorts on their abusers since they too are often lying.   There is no way you can stay with an abusive man or woman and not tell some lies.   They force your back up against the wall with their accusations, yelling, passive aggressive demeanor, and other ugly things they do.   So you aren't always forthcoming with the truth.   You say things to angry abusive people like, "I don't remember...I don't know what you're talking about...I didn't talk with anyone today...I don't know him...her."   Meanwhile, a victim knows full well he or she is telling yet another lie, but would you tell the truth if you knew someone had much power over you? From controlling money to transportation, an abuser knows that in order to keep his or her partner close there has to be a long list of do's and don'ts otherwise he or she will lose the upper-hand in the...

On Moving.... Apartment Shopping, Leasing, Rental Tips: Helpful List of What You Don't Need the Next Time ... : What you don't need is another headache, backache, and a pending heart attack when you look at all the stuff you have to move and that m...

You may have prayed a short time ago or a long time ago, "God send me the right man or woman."  So Satan sent you his best, what happened?  Sometimes we falsely assume that the person near or far is Mr. or Ms. Right.  You can be in a relationship right now wishing that someone else might save you and that person isn't the one for you and neither is the one you are with! There is an unsettling feeling that you just can't shake about a person when you get God or Satan involved.  Satan is going to charm you into another twisted version of "forgive and forget" while you take another hit, insult, or some other offense.  God is going to use people, places and things to signal alarm bells, "Get out while you still can!" A mixture of worry, fear, or wonder when an abuser might go off is all a victim ever thinks about.  So he or she finds ways to keep the peace until the next time.  A victim walks around trying hard to act similar to a child who is on h...

On this blog we discussed the emotional abuser, he or she is uncaring about one's partner's feelings.  However, I will share a bit more about the type of cold-blooded individual who has all three traits: emotionless, secretive and dishonest. You don't suspect this person to be this way when you first start getting to know him or her.  You overlook him or her being stiff or a bore at first because your date is seemingly interested in getting to know you.  However once the thrill is gone, so too is the personality! What you might respond or react to almost consistently the emotionless has no response unless you try to coax a conversation such as: "What do you think?  How do you feel about that?"  Any "normal" person would have at least a comment or a chuckle.  There is nothing coming from this person, you walk away and scratch your head. There is a mystery, something magical, at least so you thought at first about the emotionless person, who y...

So it's a new year, now what?  Do you begin your life anew working toward getting out of a toxic relationship?   Most victims, they don't.  They prefer to make excuses as to why they should stay.  Do you seek counsel on how to end the relationship?  Most victims, they keep everything they are going through bottled inside.  But survivors, they do less talking and more walking!  They believe they are going to get out and then they do.  Whether they are walking upright when they leave or on a stretcher, they are out! Victims hate on survivors.  They are jealous even angry.  They want to get out, but that is about all they do "want."  But want has to be backed up with action.  If being jealous of those who are free is motivation, then one should use that to create the peaceful environment you always wanted without emotional and physical abuse. Photo by  Eric Ward  on  Unsplash Just imagine for a moment...no ...

She hopes to be in her abuser’s good graces.   What story can she share that will make her man smile?   What exciting event has occurred that will make him take interest?   Who might she talk about that will make him be attentive to her?   A victim who is hoping that her man might take her seriously and show interest in her once again is desperate. Needy for his affection, she talks incessantly about a celebrity he adores.   Jealous of the attention he gives his or their children, she shares far more information than necessary about them.   Worried that she isn’t doing a good enough job maintaining household responsibilities, she is over-the-top with keeping the house clean and organized.   Anxious about seeing his family and friends, she spends far too much money on food and decorations to impress them.   There is no stone left unturned with a victim who is hell-bent on winning her controlling husband or cheating boyfriend over.   She...

African American View on You - Black Love, Life and Spirituality: Feeling Pressured to Buy for Family, See Family, a... : Be free today!  No drama!  No attitude toward children who resist going over relatives' homes for the holidays!  See the writing on ...

In the beginning of the relationship, the man was quite engaged with his new partner.   Asking her about her day, sharing entertaining information about his self, and communicating future plans.   However, about four or six months later, he became withdrawn.   He didn’t offer any information without being asked and even then, he seemed visibly irritated when his lover questioned him about anything.   The woman became increasingly frustrated and tried doing more to get him to talk such as:   perform acts of service, buy gifts, shower with kind words, etc., but to no avail, the man became more closed off about himself with each passing day.   This is the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship, a partner is deliberately withholding emotion, conversation and any other response that helps build a stable intimate relationship.   In time, there is no open or honest communication coming from the abusive one.   Questions are answered with yes,...