Withholding and Countering - Power and Control in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

In the beginning of the relationship, the man was quite engaged with his new partner.  Asking her about her day, sharing entertaining information about his self, and communicating future plans.  However, about four or six months later, he became withdrawn.  He didn’t offer any information without being asked and even then, he seemed visibly irritated when his lover questioned him about anything.  The woman became increasingly frustrated and tried doing more to get him to talk such as:  perform acts of service, buy gifts, shower with kind words, etc., but to no avail, the man became more closed off about himself with each passing day.  This is the beginning of an emotionally abusive relationship, a partner is deliberately withholding emotion, conversation and any other response that helps build a stable intimate relationship. 

In time, there is no open or honest communication coming from the abusive one.  Questions are answered with yes, no or silence.  Most of the time with many abusers it is usually silence.  The silent treatment is the weapon of choice on most days when the abusers feels offended in some way by the victim.  The abuser feels justified when he or she emotionally withdraws. 

The emotionally abusive individual is not engaged in the relationship, rather choosing to view television, phone and computer screens to fantasize about selfish desires, play gaming devices to escape relationship challenges, or work heavily on projects without providing eye contact or verbally communicate. 

Body language toward a partner is oftentimes nonchalant. The abuser prefers to walk away rather than sit and listen while busying one’s self with tasks or others in the room.  It is usually obvious that one is ignoring the victim.  He or she may nod, grunt, roll eyes, use a dismissive hand gesture, yell, name-call, or act condescending.  The abuser is viewed as rude, disrespectful, and arrogant by observants. 

On Making Excuses for Withholding Behaviors

Victims dismiss the early warning signs of an emotionally abusive partner withholding time, attention, affection, conversation and other basic needs of any relationship.  Victims make excuses for abusers’ behaviors using the following excuses.  “He may have had a bad day, I’ll just stop talking.  He needs to be alone, he’s in pain.  She is tired—maybe on her period.  I’ll let her get some rest.  He probably doesn’t feel like doing too much of anything, he works so hard.  I will just go away for awhile and give him some space; hopefully, he will be fine when I come back.”

With the withheld communication, intimacy and other negative reactions the abusive man or woman has stopped providing, the abuser has no clue anymore about the victim’s needs, desires or future plans.  He or she may behave like this for weeks, months or even years!  The abuser has cut the very one he or she claims to love or like off emotionally while expecting the victim to still remain in a one-sided relationship performing kind deeds such as: sharing, giving, loving, listening, being more understanding, and so on for the abuser.

When the victim stops behaving in the ways that the abuser expects, he or she may be threatened, physically abused, or other forms of power and control show up in the relationship like financial and spiritual abuse, gas-lighting and isolation.

Oftentimes the emotionally abusive partner assumes things about a partner that are untrue whether he or she verbally expresses thoughts or not.  Whatever the victim shares about his or herself, the abuser counters with a false claim.  “You know that you like this ice cream, not that one.  That is not your favorite store, it is this one.  You don’t like going there, you prefer going here.”  The abuser will even shop for items that best suit him or her while saying, “I got this for us, you like it?”  If the victim was to defend his or her personal interests and show disappointment in a selection, the abuser would become angry and verbally insult the victim for not liking what he or she said or done.  The abusive partner might say things like, “You are so selfish, such an ingrate!  Do you know much money I spent on this, you better like it, you miserable #$%^!  You are so dumb, stupid…you know how many people would love to be in your shoes!  You never had any good taste!”

On Countering

Whatever the abuser counters against, whether politely or forcefully, that the victim shows interest or admires, the plan is to disempower the victim and make him or her go along with what the abuser wants that really benefits “I” not “we.”  For instance, a travel spot that the abuser likes is projected on to his or her victim whether he or she wants to go or not.  The victim says, “I don’t like that.  I would rather go to this place.”  He or she is interrupted by the abuser with a barrage of reasons as to why “you must, you should” go along with the chosen activity.  The abuser will then systematically plant all sorts of ideas in the victim’s head to go along with what he or she has chosen.  A power-hungry abuser is competitive—arguments are like contests he or she must win.  The self-absorbed abusive man or woman will systematically say and do things for his or her comfort, enjoyment or pleasure with little thought of others’ needs, desires or dreams. 

At first the abuser appears excited, caring and fun when making suggestions for “us” or “we” to plan, purchase, invest, or stay at home.  Yet, the “nice” personality diminishes the more the abusive partner is rejected.  It isn’t long before a seemingly reasonable conversation goes haywire.  The abuser may act like a child with a temper tantrum every time the topic comes up or he or she is triggered some way about the turned-down request.  Other times, the selfish partner patiently waits for an opportunity to reject the victim’s suggestions in an effort to make him or her pay for not going along with his or her idea.  The vengeful behavior can happen repeatedly leaving the victim feeling miserable and confused.  The abuser feels justified in behaving this way over and over again.  The victim is trained over time to go along or else suffer the consequences. 

When a victim goes along with the abuser’s false claims, desires, or incorrect thoughts in an effort to “keep the peace,” concerned family members and friends will start to notice that a victim doesn’t have his or her own interests anymore.  The abusive person is controlling, selfish and mean-spirited.  The victim is expected to ignore the abuser’s negative and irrational reactions to his or her responses and preferences.  The abuser has exposed his or herself showing that he or she is willing to fight about the littlest of things in an attempt to win an argument and get selfish needs met while still gaining control over the victim’s thoughts, mouth, money, time, space and anything else he or she is used to dominating.

You or someone you know may have spent many years in a chaotic relationship and worse yet may have spiritually or physically died in one!  The emotionally abusive man or woman, who doesn’t believe there is anything wrong with him or her, does not change!  Rather the abuser simply goes into hiding when company is around or when he or she is in contact with others outside of the home, the real self is buried temporarily while the angry man or woman’s false persona comes out for the world to see.  That false persona is the person they desire to be--patient, nice, thoughtful or generous.  However, those character traits he or she pretends to have doesn’t accurately reflect the abuser’s true self.  During the honeymoon phase of the relationship, the abuser mirrored his or her partner’s genuinely kind personality to win the victim’s trust, affection, assets, credit, and anything else he or she felt was an added benefit to his or her life.   

Victims stay in miserable relationships for years hoping, wishing and praying that an abusive partner will respond consistently and positively to their needs while behaving rationally and respectfully toward them.  Sometimes change is evident as the abusers age or major life circumstances are experienced; yet power and control behaviors still remain, they simply go into hiding.  It doesn’t take much for abusive tactics to show up once again. 

Peace never lasts for long in difficult relationships with controlling individuals.  For the victims, they have a choice: either remain in the toxic relationship and behave in the ways that controlling partners demand or find an exit sooner rather than later. 

Nicholl McGuire
Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate Blog Owner and Author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men, She's Crazy and other books.