Emotionless, Secretive and Dishonest - A Different Kind of Abuser

On this blog we discussed the emotional abuser, he or she is uncaring about one's partner's feelings.  However, I will share a bit more about the type of cold-blooded individual who has all three traits: emotionless, secretive and dishonest.

You don't suspect this person to be this way when you first start getting to know him or her.  You overlook him or her being stiff or a bore at first because your date is seemingly interested in getting to know you.  However once the thrill is gone, so too is the personality!

What you might respond or react to almost consistently the emotionless has no response unless you try to coax a conversation such as: "What do you think?  How do you feel about that?"  Any "normal" person would have at least a comment or a chuckle.  There is nothing coming from this person, you walk away and scratch your head.

There is a mystery, something magical, at least so you thought at first about the emotionless person, who you now dismiss, as "She's just being herself...He isn't into people, I guess it's okay."  But is it?  Now there is something else you notice, not much on talking about one's self. Hmm.  "Maybe there isn't anything interesting going on," you reason.  Yet, there are devices that have windows open but when you come around, they are closed.  Cell phone ringers are off when in your presence.  Excuses are made as to why you once had access to certain things, but now no more. Hmm.

While you act as if the coldness of your partner doesn't bother you, the privacy settings are on everything including one's mouth, now enter into the relationship, dishonesty.  You can't seem to get an honest answer about things like: feelings, family, job, past relationships, finance, children, education, hobbies, political and religious thoughts, marital status, sexual orientation... nothing!  Distrust sets in.  You are accused of being a trouble-maker for asking questions and "you don't trust me..."  Why should you?

The relationship was set up to fail from the start.  Callous people don't genuinely consider other people's feelings, they pretend.  When the cold-hearted suspect you know who they really are and what they are up to, they become even more secretive and closed-off from honest communication.  The lies drip off lips like a Saint Bernard dog's slobber on a cold winter day!

The power and control shows up in full force when confronted.  Fed up, you state how you feel, the callous reverses the allegations and accuses you while covering up what is really going on inside.  Cold people don't want to feel.  They think something is wrong with people who have emotions. 

What's abusive about an emotionless human being?  They lie about wanting/needing/loving people.  Rather than nurture a caterpillar into a butterfly, they crush it, because some time in their lives they were crushed.  These abusers are considered emotionally abusive.  They aren't physically wounding you, although you can become ill fighting with them, but their silence emotionally drains you.

Ways you take back control of your emotions from an emotionless person while bettering your life:

1)  No more seeking approval from the callous lover/spouse/mate.  

2)  No more encouraging this person to converse with you, children or anyone else.

3)  No more buying attention, love, friendship, or whatever else you seek.

4)  No more hoping/wishing/waiting for them to return to that date you once knew. It ain't happening!

5)  No more planning a future together including: having more children, renewing vows, buying property together, etc.

6) Get a life!  Chances are for a long time your world revolved around someone you are incompatible with, now you will enjoy the kind of life that uplifts you mentally, physically and spiritually.

7)  No more praying for this person more than you pray for yourself!  In time, you won't be focused on what God can do for that person, but rather what God can do for you!!!

Most of all, you will find that you no longer care about who the individual is talking to, where he or she is going, and whether he or she is being straightforward with you--who cares?  When you are busy with your life, if anything, you wish that person well without you!

Envision yourself without the worry of someone being unresponsive to your conversation, needs and desire for intimacy.  Imagine what it would be like to have a transparent and honest friend!

The future is yours, embrace it!

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself and the owner of this blog.