The Victim Who Does Far Too Much for Her Abusive Spouse

She hopes to be in her abuser’s good graces.  What story can she share that will make her man smile?  What exciting event has occurred that will make him take interest?  Who might she talk about that will make him be attentive to her?  A victim who is hoping that her man might take her seriously and show interest in her once again is desperate.

Needy for his affection, she talks incessantly about a celebrity he adores.  Jealous of the attention he gives his or their children, she shares far more information than necessary about them.  Worried that she isn’t doing a good enough job maintaining household responsibilities, she is over-the-top with keeping the house clean and organized.  Anxious about seeing his family and friends, she spends far too much money on food and decorations to impress them.  

There is no stone left unturned with a victim who is hell-bent on winning her controlling husband or cheating boyfriend over.  She is looking to befriend his favorites, buying love from his parents, going above and beyond for the stepchildren.  She may even forsake her own family and friends’ needs just so that she looks like she is loyal to her man and only him.  Most of all, she is hoping that he won’t hit, kick, name-call, or ignore her this time.

The problem with many victims, who dote over their angry partners while carrying information back to them better than a mail carrier, is that the abuser will turn on the victim sooner or later.  The pertinent information obtained, money spent, or gift given will be criticized.  No good deed goes unpunished with an angry man or woman!  Most likely the unimpressed, critical abuser will say, “Did I tell you to buy that for my mother, why did you do it?  What business do you have eavesdropping on my conversations; I don’t need your help!  I don’t care what you know or who you bumped into and what they told you--I could care less!”  Her good intentions are demonized.  She is possibly called mean-spirited names for her efforts such as: “busybody, gossip, liar, stupid, useless, annoying or ignorant.”

Attempting to win favor with an enemy is the oldest trick in the book with these victims.  If they aren’t trying to kill their abusers with kindness, they are hoping to glean negative information about their abusive partners’ least favorite people in an effort to bond with them. Once again, the abuser is going to turn everything around at some point--put two and two together--and when he does, that is when the disputes may arise.  “Why did you tell me that?  Where did you get your information and what’s in it for you?  Are you trying to come between me and…?  You are up to something, right?”

The punishment is severe for the victim who missteps with her abuser, for example, providing him wrong information, such as a location or item price, misquoting his kin, or having a faulty memory about events.  A victim might think that spoiling an abusive partner with flattering compliments, juicy gossip about friends or foes, or lavishing an abuser or relatives with gifts might be solutions to her many relationship problems.  However, personal peace is short-lived.  Abusers misconstrue statements and actions particularly when they are not in like or love with victims--everything they do is wrong!

Life with an abuser is turbulent and no amount of what you say or do is appreciated for long or at all.  

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and She's Crazy