On Lying: A Secret that Many Victims, Abusers Don't Want You to Know

They lie about money, where they go, who they talk to, and more.  Victims have learned to play a game of sorts on their abusers since they too are often lying.  There is no way you can stay with an abusive man or woman and not tell some lies.  They force your back up against the wall with their accusations, yelling, passive aggressive demeanor, and other ugly things they do.  So you aren't always forthcoming with the truth.  You say things to angry abusive people like, "I don't remember...I don't know what you're talking about...I didn't talk with anyone today...I don't know him...her."  Meanwhile, a victim knows full well he or she is telling yet another lie, but would you tell the truth if you knew someone had much power over you?

From controlling money to transportation, an abuser knows that in order to keep his or her partner close there has to be a long list of do's and don'ts otherwise he or she will lose the upper-hand in the relationship.  Abusive men and women also don't want their victims to realize they are being manipulated into staying with them, so they have to make them feel at ease at some point.  Even the abuser knows he or she isn't keeping a victim close if he or she is often feeling upset.  So out comes the power of persuasion with many excuses as to why abuse is acceptable.  The abuser is going to do the following to get his or her victim to behave and not bring any attention to one’s evil ways, here’s how: 

-          Convince the victim that others are at fault including the victim for the angry outburst.

-          Ask the victim to be understanding about the stressful job that is keeping one on edge.

-          Make the victim stop asking for things; it’s just too many bills to pay.

-          Tell the victim it’s his/her fault for the misbehaving or crying children.  

-          Make her/him keep the nosey or controlling parents, in-laws asking questions away.

-          Shut the victim down on all requests or demands, because the abuser has better things to do.

-          Use the substance abuse excuse—a common go-to when the abuser is out of control.

-          Quiet the busybody neighbors and don’t invite them to come over.

Photo by Nina Strehl on Unsplash

The manipulative, often angry partner goes into hiding when outsiders get close.  The key is to shake the abuser up a bit so that those who are doubtful can see him or her out of control.  Break the rules above in the presence of people who can help and watch that abuser squirm!  But don’t go back home with him or her or else you will be punished!   

When the manipulative programming works well on the victim, he or she lies to his or herself telling one that what is experienced has little to do with her overbearing partner.  She becomes a spokesperson defending his or her abuser and to be frank, the victim looks stupid doing it.  This is why the abuser calls him or her “dumb, stupid” because he or she knows exactly what is being done and so too do watchful family members and friends.  You don’t like to be belittled, then do something about it, they say!  Yet, the victim, too fearful to stand up for herself and too worried about what others think, she remains quiet and takes whatever the abuser is dishing out!

Sometimes abusers realize they are being lied to by their partners but they don't care much as long as their needs are being met.  Besides they know they are doing their share of dirt out of view of their mates.  However, the illusion for the abuser is to appear like he or she is a committed righteous man or woman, caring much about his or her family, and a great team player at work.  This kind of public brainwashing is put upon the victim to behave similarly. The victim continues to deny his or her suspicions that one’s partner is cheating, stealing and lying.  He or she hides how the abuser is truly treating her or him behind closed doors, "Everything is good.  All is okay.  The kids are fine," the lying victim says.  After comments like these are made repeatedly, the one who labors to love his or her abusive mate redirects the conversation back to the one doing the questioning.  A victim is never to reveal his or her troubled relationship no matter how long or how wrong.

There is freedom for those who break abusive programming and refuse to no longer cover up, lie, blame, or deny what is really occurring in their personal lives.  This is why so many men and women in bad relationships eventually reveal just how messed up they and partners are.  They grow weary of keeping up fronts.  They get tired of trying to make something work that keeps warning them over and over again that what once was is no more.  The lying begins to fade away and personal truths come into the forefront.

Nicholl McGuire is the blog owner and author of many books such as Too Much, Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.