Abusers Teach Rebellion: Whatever You or Others Say Doesn't Matter, Only What They Say

Rebel against your mother, the teacher, the coach, law enforcement or anyone else an abuser doesn't like and you are considered one of their favorite pawns to use and abuse!  They don't like it very much when children listen to their victims especially when what they are doing is interfering with their plans.  So the brainwashing begins to sway a child or young adult son or daughter to believe that everything is wrong with the other parent and not with them!  Some of the manipulation looks like the following:

1)  Speaking ill about the ex in front of the new partner.
2)  Saying that "If it wasn't for me...your mother this...your father that...I have been there for you!"
3)  Offering service while talking about how bad the other person is for not doing.
4)  Lying about the verbal and/or physical abuse that took place in the relationship.
5)  Love bombing the children so that they never know that the abuser was really the reason why the other parent ended the relationship and/or suddenly moved away.
6)  Pretending he or she loves the spouse and/or children and only wants what is best for the "family" when he or she really uses all to do things like: give the abuser money, be honored at special events, get assistance with household chores, run errands, make phone calls, handle financial matters, etc.

Abusers like to be in control at all times and they don't appreciate others getting in the way of that.  If he typically is involved with what his family is doing, he doesn't want an in-law showing up and changing things.  He will discourage visits from family members and close friends if he notices that his family are trailing off into another direction that he isn't use to or has set for them.

An abuser will not discipline children or grandchildren for being disrespectful toward someone who isn't one's favorite or what they deem is a "disloyal" person.  They may even be instructed whether overtly or covertly to ignore what the other parent asks or demands.  When issues arise in school, so as not to look bad, the abuser will fake concern and may decide to discipline a child if his or her behavior repeatedly embarrasses or inconveniences him or her.  Otherwise, they could care less.

As much as we would like to make excuses for an abuser's behavior that had been pointed out to us as unhealthy, the truth is, it is!  There is nothing cool or righteous about teaching people to ignore, disrespect, ignore, or shame authority!  Encouraging a spouse or child to disregard someone or a company responsible for helping the family is never okay.  The consequences of doing such things will cause resources to no longer be available.  Teachers will no longer be proactive in assisting a child who might be struggling in school.  Defending rebellious behavior will only lead to more behavioral problems in the future.

When you recognize that an abuser's demands to rebel against someone or a group who is obviously not hurting but is helpful toward your family, that is not the time to withdraw from that person or group, if anything stay connected and reach out to them when you or your children need help like getting away from the abuser!

Nicholl McGuire is the owner of this blog and author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself