How Some Women Avoid Becoming Emotionally and Physically Abused Victims Early on When Dating

What do you think is one of the reasons why some women avoid being abused while others walk right into it? We all have our share of baggage and for some of us when we don't want to face it, drop it off, or carry it, we pretend as if it doesn't exist. We walk blindly into situations all-trusting without a Father who is all-knowing.  

We can be so gullible at times, loving people far too much, and a fool guided by our senses rather than our spirit.  No matter what people say, we cry out, "I never said...I never did...I never heard...I never saw...I would never...!" you may have forgotten the warning, "Never say never!"  

Sometimes on and off day you do things that get you or someone else into trouble whether it is a piece of advice that goes wrong or feet that end up somewhere they shouldn't be.

Read the following fictional example of a classic girl meets boy scenario started via the Internet. 

"I remember the day I met him like it was yesterday. We were both scrolling through our Facebook feeds when we came across each other's profiles. He was so good-looking! We started talking and hit it off right away. We talked for hours on end, sharing every detail of our lives with each other.

It was all going so well, until one day he asked to meet up in person. I was hesitant at first, but he assured me that he was the real deal and that I could trust him. So, I agreed to meet him one weekend.

I was so excited to finally meet the man of my dreams, but when I saw him standing there in front of me, I knew something was wrong. He looked different than he did online and he wasn't anything like I had imagined. We went out for dinner, but it was so awkward and uncomfortable. I could tell that he was only interested in me because he wanted something from me.

The next day, he called me and asked if I wanted to come over to his place. I knew it was a bad idea, but I went anyway. When I got there, I found out after studying his environment and noticing items that clearly belonged to a woman or several women that this man has issues, lots of them!  I never asked him about the items because he said that he had been living alone for years and he didn't have any family visiting for quite sometime and he wasn't seeing anyone. After the short time I had been at his place, I made up an excuse that I had to go due to a family emergency.  I had one alright, to tell them that I met yet another loser! It was confirmed later that he was a known player and the longest relationship he had was back in high school. We were both in our thirties!"

This is how many women get away from the start--they don't ignore their conscience, gut-feeling, or God! Sure, singles are tempted, and some may not have spent much time learning about their potential partners before meeting online, but the takeaway is she got away!  However, as we all know, many victims do not get away and remain in emotionally and physically abusive relationships for their lifetimes!

The key to getting away is to cause your mind to go back to the time "you should have, could of..." it doesn't matter how long you have been with your current spouse or partner. Now make those thoughts available in your present situation.  What could you do now to move on with your life? Think, "I can...I am..."  Take baby steps toward what will make you most happy since for some of you readers, you have more days behind you than in front of you! 

Not that long ago, you may have slept or had sex with your abuser, you don't continue to do it if you sincerely want to be free! Years ago, for some of you readers, you rushed about doing so many things with the abuser from planning vacations to caring for children hoping the pain would just go away. You talked much about who you are and what you wanted to do, you don't do it now. Back then, you were in a rush to tell everyone all about him, you don't do it now unless you are concerned about your safety. Years ago, you were charmed by his appearance, his words, the way he smelled, or how he sounded. Now you could care less about any of those things! This time study your partner beyond a clean appearance. Do you see eyes of an old washed-up man angry at the world? Who is he really--what is your spirit telling you about this person. A little boy trapped in a man's body--stubborn, mean, bitter and can still push you up against a wall and curse you? A person who doesn't like his self? Yet, he can tell you how ugly, evil, mean or difficult you are.  

What you did back then when you (or someone else) met their abuser was play a rescuer. Someone who showed up in the toxic person's life to save him and vice versa. The abuser expected you to save him from the evil he caused so many who came before you. In turn, you too wanted to be saved because of whatever life challenges you were plagued with at the time you both came into one another's lives.

The woman in the previous example observed what she saw in that man early on. She believed her intuition was correct, and took action for herself. She didn't dismiss what she felt or pretended as if everything was cool. She didn't talk herself into believe that she was overreacting. The red flags were there and she didn't ignore them!

Why ask an abuser any questions when you know a person is capable of telling a version that they think you will buy into? Why ask a question when it has already been answered in your gut? The woman knew it was a bad idea to go to his place from the start. Being at his home confirmed her feelings. Sometimes it takes a victim to continually be disappointed by what she has learned until she finally wakes up and says, "Not anymore."

So here's what to do once you finally get away from someone who is toxic.

1) Spend time alone. No more dating until you know what process you have in place on vetting your future long-term partner.

2) Never ignore, dismiss, or make excuses for behaviors and actions that you know are dead wrong!

3) Listen more than talk, a date doesn't need to know everything about you. Abusive people will use what they have learned and punish you later.

4) Allow the Lord (your Creator) to guide you in finding a partner. This comes with much study, prayer ad fasting on righteous living and godly expectations.

5) Seek a counselor for any past trauma you have suffered and how to manage your temperament when challenged.

6) Guard yourself from toxic people online no matter the social networking site. Pay careful attention to what they say in comment sections not just what they post publicly in a feed. Check out their friends and read what they say in the comments.

7) Alert family and friends about people you plan to meet in-person. 

8) Research the area that they live. 

9) Run a background check before agreeing to meet them privately.

10) Visit a doctor's office together for an annual check up.  Ask to see any recent medical records if you plan on having unprotected sex.

God bless those who got away from toxic people and God bless those people with courage who have decided to get away too!

Nicholl McGuire is the manager and contributor of this blog.  She is also the author of Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, Say Goodbye to Dad, and Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.