Why Leaving an Abusive Relationship Is the Most Dangerous—and Courageous—Step

Trigger Warning: This post discusses domestic violence, including emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence at 1-800-782-6400.

The Hidden Reality: Domestic Violence in Arizona and Beyond

Domestic violence is not just a private issue—it’s a public health crisis. In Arizona, the numbers are staggering: 42.6% of women and 33.4% of men have experienced intimate partner violence, sexual violence, or stalking in their lifetimes[1]. In 2024 alone, 61 Arizonans were killed in domestic violence-related homicides, with over half of those deaths occurring in Maricopa County[2]. These statistics are not just numbers—they represent lives, families, and futures forever changed.

Why Don’t Victims “Just Leave”?

A common question—often asked with good intentions but little understanding—is: Why don’t victims just leave? The reality is far more complex and dangerous than most realize.

  • Leaving is the most dangerous time: According to the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness, 75% of domestic violence-related homicides occur after the victim leaves the abuser[5].
  • Barriers to leaving: Victims face threats to their safety, financial control, child custody battles, and fear of retaliation. Abusers often escalate violence when they sense a loss of control.
  • Emotional manipulation: Abusers use guilt, shame, and isolation to keep victims trapped, a dynamic known as trauma bonding.

Real-World Example: Debbie Lesko’s Story

Arizona Congresswoman Debbie Lesko has spoken publicly about her own experience surviving domestic violence. She describes the overwhelming fear, the struggle to keep her daughter safe, and the journey from victim to survivor. Her story is a powerful reminder that abuse can happen to anyone—and that hope and healing are possible[2].

Recognizing the Patterns: Abuse Is About Power and Control

Domestic violence is not always physical. It can include:

  • Emotional abuse: Insults, threats, humiliation, gaslighting
  • Financial abuse: Controlling money, sabotaging employment, withholding resources
  • Sexual abuse: Coercion, assault, reproductive control
  • Technological abuse: Stalking, monitoring devices, online harassment

Abusers use these tactics to gain and maintain power over their partners. The cycle of abuse—tension building, incident, reconciliation, calm—can make it difficult for victims to break free.

The Arizona Context: Local Resources and Urgent Needs

  • Housing is the #1 urgent need for victims in Arizona. In a single day, state programs received 223 unmet housing service requests[4].
  • Children are deeply affected: At least one child in Arizona witnesses domestic violence every 44 minutes[4].
  • Help is available: In 2024, the Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence received nearly 5,000 calls, chats, and texts from survivors seeking help[2].

The Pandemic Effect: A Surge in Abuse

During the COVID-19 pandemic, domestic violence incidents spiked worldwide. In the U.S., police departments reported increases in domestic violence calls ranging from 10% to 27%[5]. Isolation, financial stress, and limited access to support made it even harder for victims to escape.

What Survivors Need to Know: Safety Planning and Support

If you are considering leaving an abusive relationship:

  1. Create a safety plan: Work with a local advocate to plan your exit. This may include setting aside emergency funds, gathering important documents, and identifying safe places to go.
  2. Reach out for help: Contact hotlines, shelters, or trusted friends. You are not alone, and there are people ready to support you.
  3. Document abuse: Keep records of incidents, injuries, and threats if it is safe to do so.
  4. Trust your instincts: You know your situation best. Take steps that prioritize your safety and the safety of your loved ones.

Supporting a Survivor: What Friends and Family Can Do

  • Listen without judgment: Believe survivors and avoid victim-blaming.
  • Offer practical help: Childcare, transportation, a safe place to stay.
  • Share resources: Provide information about local shelters, hotlines, and legal aid.
  • Respect their choices: Leaving is a process, not a single event. Support their decisions, even if you don’t understand them.

The Path Forward: Hope, Healing, and Advocacy

Survivors like Debbie Lesko show that it is possible to move from surviving to thriving. Community support, access to resources, and public awareness are critical. As Supervisor Steve Gallardo of Maricopa County says, “Leaving an abusive relationship is dangerous and overwhelming, but please remember that you are not alone. There are a number of community organizations that want to protect you, guide you through next steps, and help you get the fresh start you deserve”[2].

Crisis Resources

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233
  • Arizona Coalition to End Sexual and Domestic Violence: 1-800-782-6400, ACESDV.org
  • Crisis Text Line: Text START to 88788

If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, reach out. Your life and safety matter.

References:

  • [World Population Review: Domestic Violence by State 2025][1]
  • [Maricopa County Board of Supervisors: Domestic Violence Awareness Month][2]
  • [Sojourner Center: Domestic Violence Facts and Stats][4]
  • [Dolanzimmerman: Domestic Violence Statistics][5]

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