The Guilt-ridden, Ashamed Abusive Spouse

For every striking blow, curse word spoken, and silent treatment tactic used, a guilt-ridden and ashamed filled spouse will reap what he or she has sown one day. Eventually what was in darkness comes out into the light.  Cheating ways whether emotional or physical shows up with an unwanted pregnancy or worse incurable illness.  Drunkenness, drug use, lies and cover ups don't stay quiet for all eternity. 

Ancestry reveals the guilt and shame of past generations of manipulative and abusive great grandfathers, their sons and their sons' sons and so on.  For some reading this, they are presently actors and actresses in a life story that will one day be judged by upcoming generations as "sad, poor, bad, ridiculous, stupid...Why would he/she allow such things?" Future offspring will say.

The emotionally and physically abusive spouse believes he or she is the king or queen of his or her castle.  They use power and control behaviors to get their way and expect all in contact with them to bow to them or what others would say in a not so nice way, "Kiss their a$$."  From bragging about all they bought for a household (or not) to telling others how he or she "keeps a partner in check," their mannerisms do nothing more than send them to a sure ruin whether in this life or the next one.  A person who calls himself or herself a believer, while hurting others, is merely deceiving self.

Provoking children to wrath, the miserable parent who can't see the error of his or her ways, causes division in the household.  Gossiping, lying, and exaggerating stories, he or she carries unsettling information among kin.  Abusers are often liars and want nothing more than to protect their subpar reputation with others.  But people who know better, are not blind to the truth.  When kids speak up, stand up for what's right, they aren't testing any one's fragile man or womanhood, they are vessels used by God to show a man or woman his or her ugly ways.  Yet, abusers are quick to send a defiant child packing by any means necessary when confronted by one's demeaning behaviors.

I am no stranger to controlling men or women, so I speak as well as write boldly about the subject of domestic and dating abuse around the Internet.  Much of my work exposes the obvious as well as the not-so obvious about these mean-spirited, but guilt-ridden abusers.  They know they are guilty for things like:

1) A lack of affection toward a spouse which causes strife in the short or long-term in marriage.
2) Past and present lies told which will contribute to verbal and/or physical fighting.
3) A lack of transparency when it comes to finances resulting in distrust.
4) Self-delusion and denial especially when confronted on wrongs.
5) A failure to cooperate or compromise when the opportunity presents itself.
6) Adultery whether emotional and/or physical.
7) A respect for others outside of the home while putting family and friends through much when watchful eyes are not present.
8)  False claims that he or she loves, appreciates, and cares for family when in fact the abuser considers all a burden.
9)  No love for self and others.
10)  Stirring up strife within the family construct and elsewhere while presenting his or herself to be innocent.  This can come in the form of gas-lighting, ignoring, lies, threats of violence, etc.

You might feel led to add to the list criminal activities or illegal things that controlling men and women do on and off the job.  All of what has been mentioned is projected on to their victims in time.  Victims are falsely accused of doing the same things that the abusers are ashamed of whether covertly or overtly.  However, angry men and women have to appear like they are in control, powerful, admired, and of good character; therefore, they will deny they are breaking any regulations, laws, etc. but discerning people know differently. 

Abusers pride themselves on dressing nice, looking young for their age (if they are so lucky), owning nice things, and knowing important people. Meanwhile, deep within they are angry with themselves for once again not stepping it up in their marriages due to their emotional and/or physical cheating with others, abuse, repeatedly lying, and more.

Frustrated because they don't have the kind of personalities and energy to keep people interested in them, controllers take out their anger on their families.  They just don't have "it" like they used to, because they are older, have personal challenges, or simply aren't likeable people.  Bitter because they just can't seem to satisfy their need for material assets particularly on someone else's dime, frugal partners vent and act difficult when it comes to making purchasing decisions.  Jealous because they aren't attractive, successful, or entertaining like others, they spend much time at home or trying very hard to impress others when given the chance.  And so the list goes on.

With so much going on with angry men and women internally and externally (including overlooked personality disorders by family members), they get away with far too many deceitful ways that are later followed up with personal guilt and shame.  "I'm so sorry...Please forgive me...I don't know what I was thinking.  I love you.  You are the best thing that has happened to me," the abuser says,  yet he or she continues to punish his or her partner. 

If you know of someone who has a long history of being abusive toward one's spouse whether alive or deceased, keep in mind you don't take advice from him or her or trust someone like this (even if one is your own parent).  People like this rarely change for they are too hard-hearted and stubborn to see just how wicked they really are.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of some books displayed on this blog including the one this blog is named after, "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate."