An abuser's plan is to draw you back to him or her. It isn't that difficult when this person has made his or herself an idol in your life. The voice of God that you think is beckoning you to draw near or return to this difficult individual (that is if you already left) is really your abusive mate's energy pulling you back toward him or her. God frees men and women from trouble, he doesn't encourage victims to go back to someone or something he hasn't fixed and most of all He expects his people to follow instructions i.e.) consider the story when Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.
The best way the abuser makes you feel he or she is significant in your life is by worrying you to death i.e.) frequent phone calls, talking much about what he or she wants from you, getting you involved in one's personal dramas, etc. So the controlling mate will do three things: play on your emotions by pressing your hot buttons and/or seduce you, convince others that you are the crazy one by driving you crazy, and breaking you down once again so that you feel like you need him or her. For instance, a thought comes to the abuser's mind about an attractive woman, he might share with you the things he likes about her just to watch you bristle. In another example, the abuser may have talked with an ex about nothing, but by the time your partner talks to you about what the ex said, he is making a mountain out of a molehill. With a wink, short laugh, or positive remark about someone, the abuser knows just what will offend you or make you care about him or her. Before long, you are right back to yelling, cursing, and love-making all over again. The abuser has to make his or herself relevant in your life for fear you will get away for good.
Victims will fall for the old "make your boyfriend or girlfriend jealous" game over and over again without realizing it. They will act as if they are ready to end a relationship only to be reeled back in because they are more concerned about new partners coming into the lives of their abusers, rather than finding peace of mind and safety out of the miserable relationship.
There is the concern that an abuser just might make it with the new person, treat him or her better, share items the victim has bought with another man/woman, etc. So the victim continues to stay in the bad relationship while taking more of the abusive man or woman's abuse.
Jealousy will keep you emotionally and physically bound to someone who is also being driven by the same emotion. He or she doesn't want to see you with a new man or woman one day. Most often abusers will communicate their possessive thoughts not because they sincerely love their victims, but because they want to dictate their futures. Controlling people want to be your one and only in everything! They disguise power and control with false love. It looks like an abuser loves, cares, and respects his or her victim, but the truth is he or she possesses the partner. "I love you...No one can love you like me...You stay with me...I don't want anyone else having you...You are mine...You are my world!" This sounds good to someone who has never experienced healthy love, so they will take anything that looks a little bit like love. But to the person who can read between the lines, this is nothing more than a nice way of saying, "I own you. You do what I say. I possess you. You are obligated to me after all I have done for you. You aren't going anywhere. You will be with me, so don't even think about leaving...or getting a divorce!"
So the abuser's jealousy rubs off on his victim. Now he or she is often worried about a mate. "That's my man/woman, where is he/she going? He said he loves me, so who is that b*tch? He needs me, because he told me so. I will hurt anyone who tries to step up to my mate!" Crazy isn't it? Well many people who labor to love abusive mates never get free because they are simply jealous. They make themselves think they can't live without their abusers. Of course, that kind of self-talk is a lie. If the man or woman died today, you would be able to live without a partner.
Instead of being jealous and focusing on other women or men, direct your attention on what would make you happy right now if you chose to stop worrying about the abuser. What might you do to get beyond the psychological trickery of an abuser and move on with your life?
Keep jealous feelings away by doing what makes you happy and learn to ignore the foolish statements a partner makes to get you to feel jealous. If you continue to react with cursing and threatening, you are doing nothing more than giving your power away and then what is left to build yourself up?
Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.