I Cried for a Long Time and Then I Stopped
The tears came often for a long time with every offense, secret found out, lie told, and more. The emotional abusive, physically violent, and miserable type of men that came and went out of my life (as well as those who I had pushed out), I had grown weary of the tears I cried for them.
Swollen eyes, darken circles, and that feeling of weakness that comes over you from crying so much had worn me down emotionally, physically and spiritually time and time again. I even stopped going to church for a long time because I just didn't need to feel emotionally charged, crying yet again over all that went wrong was the last thing I wanted to do. Yet, I eventually did go and kept going, and to my surprise, the guilt, grief, and other emotional burdens left.
As I grew older, more secure in myself, and taking charge of my life, I realized that the tears weren't falling as much as they once did. I could care less about "the acts" that my abusers had put on to appear like they were so sorry and willing to change.
I found myself holding back tears to not crying anymore for my past or present. What was there to cry about? Abusers rarely change. They go into hiding with their occasional niceties and their kind words. However, within them, there is often a dark spirit or two lingering waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting once again. I was so done with socially sweet yet privately cruel abusive men and their evil twins!
You find yourself growing emotionally cold like the one who keeps hurting you. You stop fighting verbally in time, but rather you physically withdraw. You don't want him touching you, you don't want to smell him, you lose the desire to sleep with him, you find yourself slowly but surely living without him. There may be abusive women that some of my readers are responding to in this way too. Past abuse isn't easily forgiven. Trust takes a long time to build back up again. Life becomes one long drawn out miserable soap opera whose characters are typecasted in roles that they hate. Yes, abusers might think they are getting away with much but what is really happening is they are aiding in the victim's motivation to get gone sooner rather than later!
Those tears I once cried were what I needed to build an exit plan and finally leave for good. No hoping/wishing that things would get better in any toxic relationship whether intimate or not. It took over seven times of leaving and going back to the physical abuser when I finally made up in my brainwashed mind back in 1996 to stay away. Then about four times (possibly slightly more--can't remember) for me to break up with the emotional abuser about a year later and in between meeting them the brief courtships with other men, I ended within weeks. Back then, my tears were slowly drying up and I wasn't thinking too much about what I was experiencing in the midst of my decision-making or witnessing their upset.
If there is anything to take away from this blog post is that you will reach a point in your laboring to love an abusive mate that you will stop crying and it doesn't always mean that you have grown cold, but that you are now learning to protect yourself emotionally. You are finding that staying in a dysfunctional relationship is simply no benefit to you. You are growing emotionally and learning to exercise self-control. Abusive relationships are so out of control; therefore, one must strive to take back control. You can't control the abuser, but you can control how you respond to him or her.
Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog and is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, She's Crazy and Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.
Swollen eyes, darken circles, and that feeling of weakness that comes over you from crying so much had worn me down emotionally, physically and spiritually time and time again. I even stopped going to church for a long time because I just didn't need to feel emotionally charged, crying yet again over all that went wrong was the last thing I wanted to do. Yet, I eventually did go and kept going, and to my surprise, the guilt, grief, and other emotional burdens left.
I found myself holding back tears to not crying anymore for my past or present. What was there to cry about? Abusers rarely change. They go into hiding with their occasional niceties and their kind words. However, within them, there is often a dark spirit or two lingering waiting to pounce on the unsuspecting once again. I was so done with socially sweet yet privately cruel abusive men and their evil twins!
You find yourself growing emotionally cold like the one who keeps hurting you. You stop fighting verbally in time, but rather you physically withdraw. You don't want him touching you, you don't want to smell him, you lose the desire to sleep with him, you find yourself slowly but surely living without him. There may be abusive women that some of my readers are responding to in this way too. Past abuse isn't easily forgiven. Trust takes a long time to build back up again. Life becomes one long drawn out miserable soap opera whose characters are typecasted in roles that they hate. Yes, abusers might think they are getting away with much but what is really happening is they are aiding in the victim's motivation to get gone sooner rather than later!
Those tears I once cried were what I needed to build an exit plan and finally leave for good. No hoping/wishing that things would get better in any toxic relationship whether intimate or not. It took over seven times of leaving and going back to the physical abuser when I finally made up in my brainwashed mind back in 1996 to stay away. Then about four times (possibly slightly more--can't remember) for me to break up with the emotional abuser about a year later and in between meeting them the brief courtships with other men, I ended within weeks. Back then, my tears were slowly drying up and I wasn't thinking too much about what I was experiencing in the midst of my decision-making or witnessing their upset.
If there is anything to take away from this blog post is that you will reach a point in your laboring to love an abusive mate that you will stop crying and it doesn't always mean that you have grown cold, but that you are now learning to protect yourself emotionally. You are finding that staying in a dysfunctional relationship is simply no benefit to you. You are growing emotionally and learning to exercise self-control. Abusive relationships are so out of control; therefore, one must strive to take back control. You can't control the abuser, but you can control how you respond to him or her.
Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog and is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Socially Sweet Privately Cruel Abusive Men, She's Crazy and Too Much Too Soon Internet Dating Blues.
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