Thursday

For the One who Feels Like He or She Has Given Up Much for a Partner

Let's have a reality check with self, shall we?  How much have you given up for a partner lately?  Many emotionally or physically abused women and men will give up much to maintain an unhealthy relationship even though they don't believe that is what they are in.  They will keep a partner around while later regretting much for having made some serious sacrifices in their personal or professional lives. 

So let's examine the lifestyle we had prior to meeting current partners whether we are in functional or dysfunctional relationships.  It doesn't matter how long ago it was that you met a partner, your emotional and physical health may be for the better or for the worse as a result.  Notice similar choices and sacrifices you made in this relationship and compare with others.  The information you uncover about you and others might be so troubling that you may want to sit down with a licensed counselor or meet with a pastor or support group for healing.

Sometimes we overlook negativity in relationships with partners or lovers because it is disheartening.  We don't want to believe that we are at fault about anything especially if the connection goes south, but we all play a part in the relationship's highs and lows.  Therefore, if we don't see the truth for what it is (good or bad, right or wrong), problems will do nothing more than fester leading to more challenges ahead. 

Divorce may be expensive, but needed for those who are sick and tired of riding the emotional or physical roller coaster with uncooperative partners.  Separation, relocation and other ways to disconnect are necessary when one has had enough of someone's secrets, lies and cover ups.  The police will need to be called if a victim is being mentally and physically abused.

Before the spouse or partner, what was your life like?

1) Living with someone, group or alone?  Was the individual or group controlling, had some kind of disorder, often angry and more?

2) Childfree, a child or children?

3) Dating with no strings attached or seeking a serious commitment?

4) Still involved with someone while out on the prowl.

5) Lying to friends and family about the mysterious man or woman's haves and have nots.

6)  Making excuses for lies uncovered with "the one" or other ones?

7) Independent and employed or seeking employment?

8) Debt free or much debt?

9) Fantasies of traveling, sharing interests, getting married etc.

10) Problems with family and friends or close knit drama free?

11) Church attendance, active or not?

12) Active with hobbies, inactive, or no hobbies?

After the spouse or partner, how has your lifestyle been impacted in the following areas?

Notice the differences in each area of your life using the above to help guide you in self-reflection.  What has changed regarding the following topics?  Have you grown or become stagnant since a partner's arrival?

1) Childhood family

2) Children

3) Friends

4) Money

5) Employment

6) Business

7) Hobbies

8) Holidays

9) Faith

10) Accomplishments

11) Losses

12) Personality

Take a moment to pray if you have a faith.  Ask your Creator for wisdom, guidance, and courage.  Once you recognize the truth about your involvement or lack thereof in the relationship, you will want to do some things differently and you will also expect your partner to change as well, but that just might not happen.

Think about this, a man takes up residence in your heart and household, how is your relationship with children now as compared to how it was prior to meeting that person?  What might your children be thinking/observing and will they possibly have a dysfunctional relationship of their own one day too?  Oftentimes people don't break up or delay a separation due to shared assets.  Besides income and debt being affected, what other areas of your life are drastically different since your partner has been in your life?

When victims in bad or somewhat bad relationships discover that what appears to be good in their partners really isn't, they rebel.  Players, pimps, hustlers. "mooch" types, etc. know how to charm to get their way and when it is time to pay up, they do little or nothing without selfish gain. 

Are you finding yourself fighting to keep a relationship together that is simply not worth it?  Do people around you see the light, but you?  Are you driving yourself mad with feelings of insecurity, dependence, so-called keeping the peace, and more just because you are trying to save face and are concerned about what others might think about your spouse or you?

Take out your calculator.  How much money have you spent this year that is directly related to meeting the personal needs/requests of your partner?  How much has he or she spent on meeting your personal needs when you called upon him or her for help?  It doesn't matter the amount you gave, were you available, was he or she?  Sometimes a money trail will reveal the truth about a spouse or partner, follow it sometime.

If you are a woman or man of faith, have you noticed that your prayer life, church attendance or involvement been impacted since meeting him.  Do you find yourself going more to church because you are stressed or overwhelmed with your family life?  Are you seeking God less since being with your partner?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy and Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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