Tuesday

Abusive, Explosive Men Can't Handle Women's Issues

Menstruation, peri-menopause, menopause, PMDD, pregnancy, ulcers, clotting, depression, etc., women have their health woes and abusive men who are short on patience, selfish, and lack empathy don't take the news well about their spouses or partners' health "issues" especially when sex is impacted. (Please keep this in mind for those of you who counsel and treat women).

It doesn't matter how often these couples have sex or not, men who are angry for any number of reasons only become more irritated when women complain of cramps or heavy bleeding, are not able to assist them physically with household projects, errands, or business due to a variety of challenging symptoms, and have their share of the blues mentally and are not interested in being intimate.

Selfish partners will grumble, complain, ignore, or reject women even when they are trying their best to be attentive.  There is either very little or no communication because their controlling spouses are pouting and "don't like this...can't we do something...and why not?"  Some of these men are unwilling to listen or compromise much about their partner's health particularly when they know they are not going to get their needs met when they want.  Some will do little to wait on a partner who is unable to walk, care for children, clean household, or make meals. 

Once the abuser's wife or girlfriend is ready to be intimate, the abuser may not be or will punish them for the inconvenience by withholding sex for a long time.  Some abusive men will simply begin their quest to find a lover to replace a partner while blaming the wife or girlfriend for all that is wrong with the relationship.

You may have connected with a controlling man who complained about the women who he dated in the past not ever thinking about their health concerns.  He may have alluded to some problems, but you didn't think that one day the "too good to be true" man would act insensitive about your health challenges. 

Some women will rush to have sex with their abusive partners for fear they will cheat on them only to cause further health problems. They do not give themselves enough time to heal after surgeries, they refuse to treat illnesses for the length of time required, and they will push themselves to assist their partners with projects that require heavy lifting, excessive standing and bending.  Then these same women wonder why they can't seem to get better.  Meanwhile, a partner will complain to parents, siblings, friends or co-workers about "how she doesn't do...she doesn't like to help with..."  The unsuspecting doesn't have a clue about who the poor woman is living with because most abusers have two-faces that they wear.  The good, helpful, and loving guy image in public and the miserable guy at home who resents his good-for-nothing family.

When in a relationship with someone who lacks empathy, they could care less what you are suffering from, how long the symptoms lasts, and would prefer you keep your mouth shut about all that is wrong with you after he or she has already been told.  One individual told me in a condescending tone, "Your period comes every month, so what!"  Despite all of the education he received on my condition (which was worse than most women), he simply didn't care and I avoided him like a plague during that time too! 

These self-centered men or women's main concern is when will you be back to your old self and will "I get to be with you again real soon."  This isn't love or genuine care for you, it is all about him.  If the abuser doesn't feel you are getting better fast enough, he or she will psychologically push you to do what he wants when he wants using power and control.  An abuser's speech will sound like motivation and empathy but is really not--controlling people are being pushy and demanding. 

The emotionally and/or physically abusive man or woman is about self!  He wants you to violate doctor's orders sooner rather than later to meet his needs so what about yours!  Don't fall for the charming, guilt or threatening speech!  Some abusers will go so far as to take some things away from you to get you to comply with their demands or worse use children against you. 

"Ever since you got sick, you don't care about me or the kids...get up!  You're not a good mom, because if you were, you would...I don't know what I ever saw in you!  How could you do your man this way?  I was there for you when I wasn't feeling good, so you can't just do this small thing for me!  It's not like you have to do something crazy, I just want you to...Well if you don't I guess I will have to..." the abuser says. 

Your health should be your main priority not an abuser and all the foolishness that comes out his mouth!  Connect with a support system because you will need it when you are down.  Law enforcement, lawyers, parents, home health aides, prayer warriors, social workers, doctors, therapists, extended relatives, friends, support groups, etc. are available to assist you with a cold-bloodied man.   

You live in your body and you are the one who has to experience all that comes with a health challenge not your partner or your children!  If you don't care about you, who will?

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men and other books.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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