Monday

The Argument: "At Least My Exes...My Family...My Job..."

The words are flying out of an angry lover or spouse's mouth as if boasting about failed relationships, dysfunctional relatives, and unsatisfying jobs is going to somehow make the individual look better or hurt the one who's listening. 

Miserable partners do cast blame and twist failure around into what appears like success while wielding it as if it is a weapon.  This is usually done when the player, pimp or hustler type is caught in yet another lie, twisted truth, weird way of behaving, or downright abusive act.

The user and/or abuser has got to corner you during battle launching a verbal attack.  He or she will accuse you of being wrong when you are sincerely right this time, the last and maybe the time before that.  Too much truth, wisdom, exposing, etc. and the angry man or woman viciously responds with, "You think you are better...You always want to be right!  You don't know what you are talking about!  What makes you an expert on...?  Well what about that day when you...?  Who told you that?"

God-fearing Saints take heed! Jesus spoke a lot of truth in his day.  You know his critics hated Him, so what do you think an abusive man or woman truly thinks of you?  Until the hurting individual(abuser) starts picking his or herself a part like the pieces of a puzzle and starts to walk right with the Father, there will always be a battle arising especially in a spiritually unequally yoked partnership--regardless of how many years you have been together or how much religious practices take place.

The strategy from that player, pimp or hustler is to distract you from what you noticed, heard, and other things about him or her while the counterattack is being constructed in one's mind.  The idea here is to throw you off so you will stop asking questions, revealing his or her past, and finding out additional information.

The "My ex was better at..." (or some other person like a parent or friend) argument is a mean-spirited partner's way of trying to push you into behaving like he or she wants (this is a controlling tactic--also used to start a dispute so that he or she can get out the house and do whatever with whoever).  In addition, the braggart of his or her past wants to get you to become jealous (make you feel insecure about yourself).  This attack might work for the woman or man with low self-esteem, but for those individuals who are quite confident in themselves they could care less.  Sometimes victims will find an excuse to do what they want just because a partner wants to boast so much about an ex or someone else. 

If a former spouse or a loved one was "so good, so great, so wonderful..." then why is the individual not spending his or her time with the ex, relative, friend or alone--why waste the listener's time boasting about the past?  That's because whoever or whatever is not nearly as great as they claim to be for him or her or someone is talking to that abuser about his or her past making it more than what it was.  So if I am sitting on the phone listening to a relative tell me flattering things about an ex, my vision of him or her might be a bit different than it once was and the comparison triggers just might be turned on making it challenging for me to maintain a quality relationship.  There are often holes in the stories partners share about exes especially if the family still likes the exes and spends time with them. 

People break up or become distant for good reason and don't let an abuser or any other individual try to swindle you into believing their myths.  Rejected people and those who are poor performers when it comes to relationships are often in denial from childhood to their personal feelings about a current partner.  These individuals brag about the past as if they were never hurt, talk about their friends' lives as if they are in perfect relationships, brag about former employers as if they were the best of friends, and more braggadocios types of behavior. The real truth is controlling men and women know that they lost power in situation(s) and couldn't maintain quality connections due to things like: pride, stubbornness, childhood abuses, rejection, and other painful emotions. 

So back to that so-called exceptional ex and others abusers and users like to throw up every now and then in an argument, those men and women quite simply didn't want them anymore and they were deeply troubled mentally by that or the abusers may have still wanted them for material wealth or periodic sex but not anything serious.  Former victims (typically that's what they are) reach a point in relationships where they say, "I've had enough of this, goodbye!  You won't use me anymore!  Be with whoever and do whatever, because I am so done with you!" 

When it came to an abusers' or users' friends, they eventually found them out.  Sometimes they are just as toxic!  They too gradually realize they didn't care for controlling friends as much as they once did for any number of reasons like flirting with partners for starters.  Abusive men and women are known cheaters whether emotionally or physically. 

As for employers, they too soon discover they have a sociopath, narcissist or some other type working for them.  Sooner or later they lose interest in these charmers.  So to get rid of them at the workplace, they make things a bit uncomfortable so much in fact that they hope offending workers will quit their jobs or management looks for ways to get abusers as far away as possible from moving them out of departments to sending them out of town.

People who take advantage of others expect far more than they give at home and work.  They aren't typically consistent on the job and don't get along well with authority figures or others who work closely with them. 

Abusive people in relationships usually end up divorced or in jail due to uncontrollable anger episodes.  Many of these troubled men and women are unforgiving, blame everyone else for their troubles, and don't believe they are wrong about anything.  They frequently become visibly defensive when concerns need to be addressed.  When exposed, they will lash back with boastful phrases about "How I never...Your wrong...My past relationships were not bad...My parents showed me love...You're just jealous!" What else can users and abusers say when they live with the truth within them everyday that tells them, "You never learn, do you?  So you got another one angry with you like the last one and the one before...You don't apologize...You don't act like you care...You never learn."

Nicholl McGuire  
 

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