Thursday

Punish the Victim - Flying Monkeys and Minions Who Support the Charming Abuser

A controlling mom is not going to tell her son what he is doing to his partner is wrong unless she benefits in some way.  An abusive father, with a history of insulting and hitting his wife, is not going to encourage his son to stay in a miserable relationship unless he is somehow inconvenienced by his son's future actions.  A jealous sibling just might blame the victim, especially if he or she is the favorite, just so that the individual is not getting any attention from the parents.  Depending on how dysfunctional the family, a victim just might experience further harm from an abuser.

A partner's side of the family might not be much support simply because they most likely saw some things about you that they didn't like.  The abusive son/brother/cousin can do no wrong.  They most likely have already been sold on your weakness and are trained to ignore your pleas for help.  Of course, it isn't appropriate to share negative things about one's partner with a beloved relative, but mentally disturbed abusers do especially when they know the family might like their partner more than them!  However, if a family member secretly doesn't like you, he or she isn't wishing you well.  They might even wish for the abuser to pay you back for the evil you possibly caused them as a result of telling their abusive relative personal things or disrespecting certain relatives whether they were right or wrong in the way they treated you.

As a child, I recall hearing an uncle smack his wife behind a cracked door for acting in a disrespectful way toward another relative.  The uncle gave his wife a severe tongue lashing about her behavior while she held her face and cried.  If she ever thought she could reach out to that relative for some help or to talk about her partner, that wasn't happening.  The one who caused her to get hit was grateful and had a smirk on her face whenever she acted like she was going to speak her mind, because she knew the uncle would hurt her.  Once I grew up, I realized the so-called disrespectful incident the victim supposedly did to the trouble-making relative was blown out of proportion, but the family member didn't like her and as far as I knew was never confronted about her exaggerating. 

Some victims are just as bad as abusers.  Sassy mouths, nasty ways, disrespectful body language, self-righteous comments, and more.  It isn't any wonder why an already physically violent man or woman would resort to violence.  Two hot heads will not get a long for long.  One or the other will say or do something that will cause an epic argument.  Then it is kiss, makeup, kiss again, argument, and then the cycle continues until someone wants to get off the merry-go-round once and for all.

The flying monkeys who support name-calling, fighting, taking money and gifts away, withholding sex, and doing others to control the victim know what works.  They have done it over the years to maintain control over their partners, sons and daughters.  If longevity is all one cares about when it comes to marriage, then manipulative tactics will be used to ensure that the relationship goes the distance even with emotional and physical abuse present.  However, one who desires some normalcy in a partnership will not resort to smear campaigns, abuse and other things while the abuser uses his or her relatives and friends to kill, steal and hurt the victim.

A person who sincerely loves you wouldn't enlist the help of minions/relatives/friends to wreck havoc on what is supposed to be a happy union.  The individual wouldn't get his/her mother to curse or look down on you, father to threaten you, or siblings to beat or harass you.  But people who are bent on getting their way and have little regard for others' feelings will not stop until someone is crying, fighting, cursing, and more.  Abusers will push and push until at times you look or behave as crazy as them!  If the victim appears like he or she is looking and doing well, despite a tense relationship with him/her, opposition from the family on both sides, and more from the abusive partner, little issues will turn into big issues due to a partner's jealousy and unsuccessful attempts at controlling you.  He or she can't stand the fact that you are content with your lifestyle in or outside of the relationship.

Those relatives and friends who actually like you will be forewarned that you have "issues" or are "crazy."  They will be told negative things about you so that you are never able to connect with others in the family in healthy ways.  When confronted on the abusive partner's negativity, he or she will claim, "I didn't mean anything by that...I was just mad.  I was just protecting you...I didn't want you to get hurt, but sorry if it happened.  You don't know how my family can be.  I love them, they have been there for me!"  These statements could be true to the abuser, but his or her reasoning doesn't make his or her actions or in-actions right.  Those who have had to stand up to relatives and friends know that when you have someone backing you, that is love.  But when they add to drama that gets you hurt, you have to wonder what is really going on with them?  An abuser most likely experienced much negativity growing up as to why he or she behaves so evilly with you at times.

The charming abuser is very good about creating smokescreens, false images of his or herself, and putting others down.  Religion is a great tool for abusive men and women, because what they do with it is present themselves to be good-hearted, sweet and kind while inside they fight with personal demons.  The true test of the abuser's faith is when he or she is confronted on wrong-doing.  There is no escaping what he or she said or done.  How so-called Christian might the abusive man or woman be then?  What kind of "real" fruit is on the individual's tree?  If they fight you at every turn, hate good and love evil, and do all kinds of things to shut you up, then the charming abuser is nothing more than a pretender, a backslider or downright evil.

What is done behind closed doors tends to surface when the following occurs: tests at family events, speaking with friends, observing the abuser's interaction with others, reading private emails and texts, and more.  The abuser always leaves a trail of his or her unhappiness despite smiling in public and appearing to be too-good-to-be-true.  Those around him or her are simply used to keep the manipulator's act going until he or she has a major falling out with them or they refuse to go along with his or her programming. 

Abusers and victims are good actors and actresses pretending that all is okay when it hasn't been for a long time.  But inside the mentally disturbed man or woman's world is much turmoil.  Appear to be too complacent, the jealous partner will be sure to say or do something to shake your world up.  Have more money and material assets and the covetous abuser will want more.  Get along well with your family and he or she will find fault with them.  Do good deeds or receive acts of kindness from others and the abuser will criticize.  Misery loves company.

Nicholl McGuire author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic and other books.

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