Tuesday

The Child Isn't at Fault - Choosing a Partner Over Children

A daughter has seen it all mommy in tears while a son watches his dad with fears after connecting with partners that are unfit for an intimate relationship much less a step-child. 

Quick to jump into relationships, dating couples who later marry end up right back to where they started from--bitter, angry, confused, and used again.  How did one return to a mess he or she calls a relationship?  Children are not stupid, they know when parents screw up and they also know when they are better off spending much needed time alone possibly permanently.

Let's face it, after going through much in life, not everyone is equipped emotionally and physically to have a serious relationship with someone whether they met these individuals on or offline.  Until emotional and/or physical healing takes place from past problems and a determined and disciplined mindset to want to change, it will always be more of the same.  The older we get the least likely we will do anything different.

A rebellious child isn't just going through puberty when he or she sees a parent frequently upset over the littlest of things, the individual is also witnessing an adult he or she loves unhappy too.  "Why take out your anger on me, because you aren't getting along with your man!" the child screams.  "I didn't want a father (mother)!  We were just fine until that person showed up!"  Now the offended parent wants to slap, kick, choke, and berate a child for his or her smart mouth.  "You don't screw this up for me!  You shut up!  After all I've done for you!"  the selfish parent yells.

The truth is hard to accept when things don't work out like one had hoped and planned regarding a relationship.  Why subject a child to abuse when one is being verbally and/or physically assaulted by a mate?  Why attempt to brainwash a child into believing "everything will be all right" when the truth is, things are only getting worse?  Why tell the child, "If it weren't for you, maybe things would be better"?  Even if children weren't in the picture, it doesn't mean a couple would get along.

The child isn't the one to blame when a parent chooses to cover up past personal issues while pursuing yet another dead-end relationship.  Put yourself in a kid's shoes for a moment.  Did he or she ask for love and happiness or pain and suffering for his or her parent and self?  Of course not!  So why use the child as a scapegoat?

"If only mom would stop taking her explosive temper out on me...I know why she is angry...it's that man she chose," a daughter thinks.  "Things would be so much different if dad would stop bringing these women into my life," a son says.

Think about it.  Bad relationship?  A child isn't to blame.  Not only does an abused woman or man go through much with a controlling, jealous, and angry partner, but throw in child abuse and now the victim has turned into an abuser toward a child.  How much is one's freedom really worth?  How much is a child's freedom worth?  An abuser isn't worth jail time or the cost of a relationship with one's child. 

Nicholl McGuire is the author of She's Crazy, Socially Sweet, Privately Cruel Abusive Men, When Mothers Cry, Say Goodbye to Dad, and other books.


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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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