Thursday

The Sacrifices One Makes to be with Abusive Mate Who's a Different Ethnicity, Culture, Religion, Same Sex

One common denominator that all who have given up family tradition, religious beliefs, and more for their abusers is that they love their partners too much.

"I went against my dad's wishes for you...After all I did for you...I moved out of my country...My family shunned me because I wanted to be with you."

You or someone you know sacrificed a lot just to be with a partner who emotionally, sexually and/or physically abuses you or a friend.  But why stay?  Many victims have their reasons.  Sometimes there is no one and nothing else to turn to due to far too many sacrifices made.  Think about how much you have done so far for your partner. 

The abuser ultimately got his or her way, he or she might have wanted his or her partner isolated so that this person could have complete control of the relationship.  Everyone and everything that meant something to the victim was put on hold, distant, or cut off.  Independence is forbidden with possessive partners.  It all seemed okay during the early stage of the relationship. Yet, things change and now the victim is bitter, resentful, angry, and may even be depressed because he or she gave up his or her life to someone who he or she might have been warned about from the start.

"I don't know about this one, I don't trust him.  Something isn't right.  You sure you love her.  I would take things slow if I were you," advisers warned.

The name-calling and other insulting statements about one's ethnicity, culture, religion, or sexual preference are like daggers, they cut and then long after the arguments, they keep cutting.  One may have thought that someone they trusted and loved appreciated the skin he or she is in, his or her faith, and other personal interests, but when the discovery is made that the relationship was built on nothing more than an abuser's falsehoods and exaggerations, it can be devastating.  People lie all the time to get sex, money, homes, cars, power, control, babies, and more only to later change their minds, hearts and wallets.  It is actually a good thing when one exposes his or her pride, ignorance, jealous feelings, and racial views, it is then that the victim must do what he or she must to protect what little self-esteem still remains.

If you or someone you know has learned the truth about a lover's personal views, respect them even though he or she has repeatedly showed disrespect toward you.  The reason for your humble stance is quite simple, why continue to permit this person to irritate you to the point that you are swearing and fighting physically when you could have your freedom or job at stake, a child being impacted by the negativity and other issues?  Is defending yourself or retaliating getting anywhere?  Do something different for your own mental sanity. 

A person who doesn't like "those people...can't stand being around them...hate this and hate that..." doesn't want his or her mate acting or doing anything for his or her "kind" is someone who is prejudice/racist/sexist etc.  Heed the individual's warnings.  Sure they sound ugly, but he or she is communicating how one feels.  You have a right to listen or walk away. 

If you don't have children with this difficult person, avoid the tempting thoughts of pregnancy or adoption especially during those brief honeymoon periods.  Imagine what the future might be like for a child listening to troubled parents intensely arguing about one another's faith, skin tone, background, sexual preference, and more.  He or she would be torn between right and wrong, good and evil just because he or she doesn't want to disappoint argumentative parents in a unhealthy relationship.

Most likely, the abuser grew up in dysfunction; therefore, he or she will have no problem keeping the legacy going with anyone willing to put up with him or her.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Know Your Enemy: The Christian's Critic and other books. 

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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