Thursday

Abused Victims: Jealous of the Exes Who Got Away from Their Abusers

As strange as it may seem, many victims in relationships are envious of exes who are free from abusive partners.  The upset isn't about so much what the exe had with the former lover/friend/spouse, but the jealousy is also stimulated by the thoughts that these exes are no longer swindled, bamboozled, or hoodwinked by their former manipulators.  Yet, current partners are.  Their jealousy tends to come out in bizarre ways from the way they disrespect a partner's children to rages over unintentional mistakes.  Name-calling, bad-mouthing and more are done by victims behind the backs of abusers and former partners.  Sometimes there are no obvious reasons other than angry victims being trapped in their controlling mates' webs while their minds go crazy.

I recall a moment where I met my abuser's ex-girlfriend and mother of his son and I had an odd feeling come over me.  When I look back, the woman was free--free from the nutcase I was with.  She didn't have to deal with the man's anger outbursts anymore.  She didn't have to worry over him being unfaithful any longer.  She wasn't concerned about what he did with his free time.  She had no ties to him other than a son, and the boy was growing up quickly at the time (he's now an adult), so she doesn't have to see or talk to him anymore to make arrangements with the father. 

Being in a past miserable relationship, that only got worse with time, I remember feeling envious of the exes, because they were no longer emotionally tied to my abuser like I was back then.  A couple of his "friends" had sex with him with no strings attached and one exe had a house, money and a car that she periodically allowed him access until I showed up.  I was far too concerned about my controlling lover/friend, who later turned into my fiancĂ© like:  what he was doing when I wasn't around, if he went back to exes for sex, etc.  When the time came that I had finally made up in my mind to let him go, prior to my feet doing the walking, I started feeling much better about myself and stopped being concerned about his former partners.

The day finally came when freedom was at my doorstep and I took it--no more trying to make a square peg fit into a round hole with him, his first family, and more.  With my whole being, I was ready to pack my belongings and leave the rest behind.  I felt so empowered!  Sure, I struggled with some leftover stuff from the relationship for a time, but I was so grateful to be away from that Loser--unlike many of you, I admit I got played!  Like with most women who connect with angry men, we just don't realize what we are truly getting ourselves into until after the fondness for them fades away.

Exes know the angry, controlling, bitter, name-calling, abusers better than current mates.  These survivors already had them, saw their exes nude, witnessed their ugly sides, got cursed out by them, and experienced far more with them then they we would ever tell.  So when the present partner/lover/spouse acts as if he or she has a gem on his or her hands and wants others to believe, "He's changed or she's different now."  We know differently, because we have already tested them.  The exes' eyes, hand movements, laughs, frowns, and other body language says, "No, I haven't...it's still me and if you would ever give me another chance I will crap on you like I did before."  God didn't raise any fools, think about that the next time you pray for someone getting back with an ex-partner, you don't know the whole story.

The last thing one should ever do is worry over an exe, even if a foolish partner did go back and have sex with every woman or man he or she ever dated, the truth is, the survivor is free, but the victim isn't and that is what makes him or her angry, jealous and more at times. 

So claim your freedom today and stop focusing on the past and envision a future free of the drama!  Remind yourself, an exe is an exe for good reason and it isn't always because of that story that the controlling man or woman in one's life tells.

Nicholl McGuire is the author of Tell Me Mother You're Sorry, Say Goodbye to Dad and other books.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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