Friday

When The Abuser Has the Children and He Still Attempts to Control from Afar

The angry man won, got the children and now he plays the victim role.  His charm deceived the judge, the counselor, and anyone else who he could convince that his children's mother was crazy. But those of us who have been victims of emotional and physical abuse, no different.  Even if a mother is mad, he took part in the systematic breaking down of her mind, body and spirit over period of time--her family could attest to it.  "Before she met him, she was such a nice person..."  This is why it is so crucial to get out of bad relationships before your mind can't take another insult or threat. The evil that some do will wear on you and then one day you are saying and doing some things you wish you hadn't.

The abuser's lies, exaggerations, and the stories of "What she did to me..." are heard by anyone who says, "Where is the mother?  What happened between you and the mother?  What caused the separation/divorce?"  He has told his version of the story so many times to the point that he is a natural--an actor who could when a Tony award for his fake tears and shaky voice.  His lovers fall for it everytime.  "Oh poor babe, it's okay, I'm hear for you, I will help you with the children...," says the gullible.  Another victim in the making.

But we reap what we sow, don't we?  Did you listen to that inner voice long ago, when the warning went something like, "Take it slow, you don't know him.  He is fake, he doesn't really love you.   He is cheating on you.  He cares about no one but himself.  He is a liar.  He is using you for your money..."  Then you have to go through the fire to realize, "He really isn't The One!"  But the good news is, just as you had to endure pain all those years emotionally, physically or both, the abuser's days of reaping may have come, are still ongoing, or about to come depending on the God you serve. Some battles are not fought in the natural.  People will see the truth.  I know it doesn't seem that way right now with some of you readers, but keep watching the movie.  Those who are discerning will see why the relationship was doomed from the start.  The abuser and those who are connected to him and supporting his evil ways will experience pain.  They will feel as if they are going crazy too--they might even lose it.

Not every mother, who doesn't have sole custody or any custody of her children, is a bad mother.  But a calculating abuser knows how to play the system just like a mother does when she wants her children.  So the abuser thinks that being awarded children is a win for him while mom suffers, but little does he know.

To every person who is about to enter a situation like this, know that whatever the outcome you are not a loser, you are a winner--you have freedom!  Of course, the abuser will attempt to use mind manipulation from a distance to control you, but when you recognize the tactics, guard your heart and mind.  Anyone or anything he can use to make you mad, he will, because you got away!  Here's what you do:

1.  Focus on achieving your goals.  There is little time to pick up the phone, listen to the cries of children or formulate a script on how you are okay with everything that has happened.

2.  Get into survival mode.  Just like you went through the birthing process, something no man has ever gone through, you had to at some point disassociate from the pain and focus on the purpose, you will do the same with this situation.  You will breathe through every pain (insult, threat, negative behavior, manipulative deeds, etc. that you notice with the abuser.  You will breathe for every time those awful things come to mind and you will push it out of your system by clearing your mind and tending to whatever or whoever makes you happy.  Substance abuse will not do it like the drugs some of you were given during birth, they eventually wear off, now what?  You moved on, didn't you?

3.  He will lie, you will hear about it.  He will choose a new partner.  He will get more or less money.  He will look as if everything is okay, alright and fine.  And you will tell yourself until you believe it, "I don't care.  I really don't care.  I care about my children.  They will need me sooner or later.  I will embrace opportunities to see my children.  I will pray.  I will watch God work.  I will trust in Him.  He will shame and disgrace my enemy for fighting with me when there was no fight.  I chose to stop fighting him in mind, body and spirit."  Say these things to yourself.

4.  See him as another pain, an enemy, not what you use to see him as a husband/friend/lover.  He doesn't care about you.  As long as you see hope in that man and everything that drew you to him in the first place, you will suffer.  Your mind will spiral out of control and you will find yourself behaving like you are everything he said about you, "Crazy, insane, dumb, stupid, b*tch..."  Is that what you want, mother?  Are you any of those things?  No!  You are a loving, kind, sweet, unique, person fearfully and wonderfully made by your Creator!  Walk in that truth, believe it!

5.  Realize what you did in choosing someone like him and go back in time.  How did you arrive at being with this abuser?  Direct your attention on your personal weaknesses not his or anyone else's. Turn your past over to your Creator.  Seek professional counseling if need be.  Don't medicate unless absolutely necessary or change certain drugs that are no longer benefiting you or your situation. There are side effects to drugs and sometimes they will cause you to do and say crazy things.

6.  Request the help of family, friends, police authority, school officials, and those near and around your children to watch out for them.  Be in contact with children via letters, email, text, through their friends, an attorney, and any other way you can do so legally.  If this is an issue and you can't do any of these things, do what you can to clean up your situation.  Then start documenting everything you know about the individual.  Run periodic background checks on him and his connections.  Hire a private investigator, if necessary, when there are major issues related to children and then sit back and wait for results.  Consult with police and attorney only if the individual is acting in ways that put your children's health and well-being at risk.  The abuser is not permitted to alienate you from seeing your children and you can take him to court for that.  Look up parental alienation.  Be sure you document every violation.  Save all receipts of things you have bought for children and list any money you and relatives have given them.

7.  Build alliances with jilted lovers if it should help your parenting issues.  Also, be in contact with disgruntled mutual friends and concerned relatives on his side only if it will help you in the long-term.  Listen more, talk less and jot down what they say.  If they are no help, say goodbye to his possible spies.

8.  Ignore his phone calls when it doesn't have anything to do with children.  Also, you may want to stop commenting or leaving any messages (even good ones) about children on his phone.  For some reason, there are those narcissistic types who will reach out, but then when they get just enough supply (attention), they go back to treating individuals (mom and children) with disrespect i.e.) ignoring, bad-mouthing, lying, etc.

9.  Avoid discussion with his mother, siblings and others about him and your plans for the children whether you are close or not, the truth is that one day when you rub them the wrong way concerning your ex, they will mark you anyway and will only repeat everything you said to him.  They might even help them financially sue you!

10.  When he is playing mind games, using the children like putting them on the phone when they are crying, cursing about them, or threatening to do this or that, you can always say, "I am available to take them off your hands."  He will think about it and most likely won't do it.  Then you say something like, "In the future if you and the children are acting emotional over the phone or you just want to drop them off because you are just tired of them, I will not be available."  Set up a visitation plan if you don't already have one.  If you aren't divorced yet, consider a marital separation agreement an include a parenting plan/schedule with it if you don't want to go to court.  But keep in mind, he can always turn around and sue you for the children.  

Take care of yourself.  The blessings are sure to come.  Be in good health and prosper!

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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