Sunday

Pointless Promises - When the Liar Makes You Think All that Glitters is Gold

You don't have to be choked, slammed into a wall, or beaten until you are black and blue to be in an abusive relationship.  There are many women and men who experience covert abuse over time while thinking their charming partners will fulfill promises, remain faithful, treat them with respect, and more.  Most forms of abuse begin with lies.

"I never hit a woman.  I don't believe in hurting women.  I am a good man."  
"I have treated all the men I have been with well.  I love men." 
"I'm not crazy, it's those crazy b*tches I've been with!" 
"You can ask my ex...I don't lie.  I keep promises." 

The liar knows early on, during the dating phase, what to say and how to win over his or her gullible victim (usually someone who has a history of being mistreated by boyfriends or girlfriends).  The deceiver will promise that he or she will never be like those other men or women who have disappointed you.  "You are a diamond, so special...Why would anyone treat you badly?  I have never had anyone quite like you.  You don't ever have to worry, I won't put my hands on you.  I will always be here for you.  I love you more than anyone!  I wouldn't do what he did to you, my mother taught me better!"  The manipulator/controlling partner goes on to tell you what he or she wants in a relationship and begins the process of flattering you much when you share so much about yourself.  You are providing the liar with a foundation to work.  You are assisting him or her with ways to manipulate you in the future.

Some things people say during the courtship that haunt them later include:

"I haven't been with anyone in years.  I was abused by my exe.  My family is well-off.  I can always go to my parents if I ever need anything.  I bought everything in my home.  I own some property.  I have credit cards.  I have connections.  I enjoy investing my money in start-ups and helping others achieve their dreams.  I have been hurt before and I never want to go through that again.  I have a faith.  My ex is no-good.  I hate him.  I have much experience dating men."

Here's what the manipulator hears.  "She will probably give me whatever I want, because she is desperate for a man.  She won't be too difficult, because her exe already did the hard work breaking her down, so I'm like a saint in her eyes.  She will provide for me, because she can afford it.  I won't have to make a lot of money, because she pays most of the bills--jackpot!  I can ask her to help me with my business, assist with my schooling and help my family.  She has been through much, so even if I do screw up, she probably won't pay much attention because she doesn't want to go through another break up.  Kiss and make-up, easy enough!  She knows to be good to people due to her religion.  She doesn't believe in divorce, so if things don't work out, I will still be connected to her.  I don't have to worry about her ex protecting her or watching me since they have a terrible relationship.  I won't be encouraging any amicable connections either.  If she ever talks to me about my past, I will surely bring up all those men she slept with--Ms. I Know Men."

One of the major mistakes many women do when they begin dating relationships is they tell far too many details about themselves.  They will assume the men seated across from them in a nice restaurant, talk to over the phone, or text back and fourth are being completely honest.  The truth was and is, liars are forthcoming with information that will work to their advantage while putting a spin on the details while leaving out any details that might keep them from making a connection with their prey.  Sometimes they say nothing or what appears to be too much story-telling so that you will automatically assume they are being open and honest.

I think of men who I have dated over the years who were good liars.  They knew how to charm me and other women into thinking that we were special and were a perfect fit for them (in more ways than one).  I thought it quite odd each liar had a pattern of doing the following:  smiling often, being quite affectionate, questioning my daily activities and who I knew before I could say anything, and was very quick to want to bed me and plan a future.  I admit I fell for a few of them and their pushy ways.  Before long, these liars were often calling me, making plans for our next outings, and sharing their big ideas personally and professionally.  But there were problems--the kind I should have never overlooked, each liar had less education and money than me, yet more time to come around me.  I suspected something odd over time with them.  One was a real salesman, like a used car sales rep, which led to a serious relationship.  He always had a story as to why he came home late, didn't get something done, was often on the phone, where he was, what happened at work, and who he was with.  There was often a name or two that came up followed with an unflattering description about them from his workplace.  I learned later these names of men and women were merely distractions from the one who was the apple of his eye for a time.

Liars tell you that you are gold when inside they believe you are nothing more than glitter.  You will never be their ideal mate, because their fantasy is in a printed magazine, movies, the one that got away or many others, the new guy or girl they have been watching for quite sometime, or Rosy Palm (for some of you, you will need to think about that for a minute).

These men and women who don't think twice about telling lies will do it with a smile, a laugh, a blank stare, or an angry look on their faces.  They will swear that what you saw wasn't really what you saw, smelled or heard.  They will tell you the evidence and proof you present to them isn't what you think. They claim they love you and only you, but then your gut or the voice of God tells you different.  They go places while pretending they were home the whole time.  They hate the fact that you don't believe their lame stories and will retaliate for not going along.

When you finally catch on that promises are not going to be fulfilled, you are left feeling disgruntled. You realize a business opportunity, investment, vacation, or job they boasted about is not what they claim.  You discover you aren't the only one they have been seeing.  You hurt inside when you finally come to the realization that what you thought was meant to be really wasn't.  

Pointless promises, but purposeful to the liar because he or she "got you"--your sex, money, time, or all three.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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