When Victims' Request Their Abusers' Approval, Validation or Opinion - Your Best Interest is Not of Concern

Why do people in relationships, who know that their mates lie, connive, cover-up, and do other sneaky things, expect them to come forth with the truth about things like:  their whereabouts, who they talk to, where they go after work, or who they know?

The writing is on the wall when it comes to answered prayer and what do victims do?  They act as if God hasn't shown them anything.  They retreat back into the world of lies.  These victims converse with their abusers about the facts in the hopes of feeling at peace with their partners' answers.  They hope that wrongdoings will be confessed, but it never happens.  Instead, what usually occurs is the abuser will do things like:  stone-wall, argue, defend, bad-mouth others, gas-light, blame, deny, or minimize the situation(s).

"Babe, it's not what you think.  You know I wouldn't do that...I really care about you.  Honey, we have been through so much, I have changed.  I would never hurt you.  Don't worry about it..."

So what does the one who labors to love an emotionally and/or physically abusive mate does?  He or she approves of what the abuser says.  "What else can I do?  I mean it is what it is."  And so it is business as usual while bitterness, jealousy, anger, resentment, and other wild emotions begin to take root.  The angry man or woman's statements are validated, his or her story-telling and comments are "Alright, Okay, Believable."  It is only a matter of time that what is in darkness will surely come to light.

A hard-hearted, stubborn, or hot-tempered victim is already caught in an emotional and/or physical trap that he or she feels is inescapable.  Picture a jail cell with all your favorite amenities, food, drinks, beautiful decor, entertainment, and more, but it is still a human cage.  So what does one do?  Be obedient to the one who holds the keys at least for a time.  If anyone comes by to visit the cage, the victim reports to the master.  If a Good Samaritan stops by with a gift, the master knows about it.  This is why it is so difficult to talk to men and women about emotional and physical abuse when it doesn't look or feel like it.  These victims don't cry out until pain is inflicted on them in the worse way.  Someone has to be physically beaten, called every name in the book repeatedly, a child sexually abused, money taken away, pending death, and more for some victims to see the light.

Years ago, I was told by concerned relatives about the way I was with partners "too caring, easy mark."  They were right.  When I realized I was being played by these men, it was then when I wanted to yell, draw the line in the sand, flee relationships, etc.  But the truth had been looking me in my face from the day I laid eyes on a few of these men, yet I refused to deny my curiosity.  And as you know, curiosity killed the cat.  By the grace of God, I am still standing!

I always wanted to believe that what my partners told me was true and I put their words over discerning family and friends.  While the troubled men talked negatively about the messengers who told me things (which I should have kept to myself because it only made matters worse for me), I really wished on the inside that loved ones were wrong.  But they weren't and I reaped for years as a result of not listening to myself, God or those who had my best interests in mind.  After much money and time was all used up, I learned the hard way.

One of the ways victims become entangled in webs of deceit--controlled fantasy worlds--with mean-spirited men or women is they believe their lies, promises, and visions.  They are charmed with niceties.  These victims wholeheartedly fall for whatever stories are planted in their minds about whatever their abusers choose to tell them.

"My last girlfriend was crazy...My baby's mom doesn't know anything...My mother is a nutcase.  I hate my dad.  I am by myself, all alone--I need someone.  I will always love you.  I trust you.  You can't believe what your friends say, they are jealous of you."

Brainwashed victims rarely investigate what is being said to them because they don't want to destroy the illusion and admit to failure/mistakes.  They refuse to open their eyes and look around.  A relative said to me, "You wear rose-colored glasses.  That man has a dark side."  The same relative pointed out three men I knew who all had very evil ways about them.  Meanwhile, I gave her no clue as to what I was going through, she just knew.  Victims don't bother to listen to what others are saying to them.  They make excuses for their partners, lie for or about them, and keep much inside because they don't want to be judged for being a fool for love once again.   Rather, these men and women choose to look the other way, shoot the messengers, blame the Devil, and hope for the best.

For those of you who are laboring to love the emotionally and physically abusive men and women in your lives, know this, never shut out the truth no matter who gives it to you or where you find it! You saw what you saw.  You heard what you heard.  You felt what you felt.  Don't go along with an abuser's approval or disapproval of what you know, who you know, what you do, or where you go. Truth just might be waiting where you least expect it.

Chances are the controlling individual doesn't want you to do any snooping through electronic devices (at least those you know or don't know about), visiting or befriending others, background investigating, or anything more.  Troubled men and women who project their devious ways onto others always have something to hide.  They focus on the people, places and things around them when in your presence so that you don't see what they have hidden in plain view.  Abusers need to perpetuate their lies on to victims to keep them loyal while continuing to feed their selfish needs.

You can either play along while safeguarding your heart, gradually distance yourself emotionally and physically, or for those whose safety is in danger, get out before things get worse.

Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love Myself and other books.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.


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