Friday

A Repeat of the Past - Your Abuser Expects You to Speak When Spoken To

"Let me finish...what was I saying...I forgot.  Are you going to let me talk?  You said that I could speak...why don't you let me finish!"  Frustrated beyond words, tears streaming down the young woman's face, she can't express her thoughts.  Her abuser has beaten her down mentally before she could make any more valid points.  Her words of truth stung him like a bee, the abusive man knew he was wrong in the way that he treated her, but he didn't want to hear it!


"You're a crazy b&tch, you know that?  Why do I bother listening to you?  If only you could see what you look like right now!  Quit your crying, baby!  I don't know what I saw in you!  I worry about you... maybe you should see a doctor."  He takes no responsibility for driving her into an entangled web of confusion with his constant interruptions, name-calling, and more.  She keeps wanting to collect her thoughts, to explain some more, but she just can't!  Out comes more crying and yelling.  The words aren't coming out right!  "Damn, damn, damn!  Why can't I say what I want to say?  Why doesn't he listen to me!  How did I get to this point?" so angry with herself and worried her mad man might pounce on her, she locks herself into a bathroom and just sobs.  Another argument that has gotten the couple nowhere. 


Whatever the young lady said or did prior to the explosive dispute was wrong in her abuser's eyes.  She hadn't been talked to by him and as far as he was concerned she was to speak to him if spoken to.  He had no conversation for her, so why was she talking?  He attempted to ignore her before they started arguing.  He felt like something was on her mind and he really didn't want to hear about it.


The controlling man's eyes stayed glued to the television screen.  He had been pleasant many times on the phone to relatives and friends, but not with her and his partner was tired of his disrespect.  Didn't she have a right to talk to him about his ugly ways?  Apparently not, he wasn't about to listen to her criticisms whether she said them nicely or angrily.  He didn't like anyone telling him anything about his ugly self!  As far as he was concerned, "I'm a good guy, you should be grateful," he told her.  "There are plenty of guys who wouldn't put up with your crap!"  And so that is how it all began that cold day in December.


This was it, the last argument, the last emotional outburst, at least so she thought, but another then another came and each only got worse.  He fought her each time, she fought back.  He acted sneakily, lied about seeing others.  She confronted him, but he just walked away.  "You're crazy, you don't know what you are talking about...you didn't see sh*t!"


What would it take for the young lady to leave her miserable relationship?  Flashbacks of childhood would come and go in between arguments.  She had time to think, she pondered how she got herself into this mess called a relationship.  Past memories of arguing with a narcissistic father who had no interest in a daughter and didn't try to understand her either.  He simply wanted an obedient kid who made him look good.  No back talk, no attitude, no bad days, just be sweet ladylike--isn't that how little girls are to behave?  He was the parent who didn't ask like to sit down and play with children or attend their events.  Every now and again if things didn't look good in school or an unexplained PMS issue showed up in the form of a bad attitude with his daughter, the mean-spirited dad was going to check her on her behavior.  "What is your problem?  You better get those grades up!  I don't care what you're going through...your mother goes through it too, so what!?  What are you doing anyway the reason why you didn't pass those tests?  Thinking about boys, huh?  Why are you acting ugly with your mother?  What...I can't hear you!  What the h&ll are you saying?  What's with the crying?  Talk, just talk why don't you!"  The poor child responded with a weak, "I'm trying to explain, but you won't let me speak...what I was trying to say was..."  The dad with a stare that could kill, "Oh just shut up, dummy! You know I've been watching you and I'll tell you I don't like you...you know that...keep your mouth closed when I talk to you...you know what just get out, get out!  Oh I guess you want something to cry for..."  He proceeds to get out of his seated position and whip her then throws her out of his room.  The next time the same thing, the next time more of the same until he can't stand on his two legs anymore due to surgeries.  Finally relief.


So back to her present, flashbacks of a past give her insight as to why she puts up with what she does in a bad relationship.  Meanwhile, critics have the nerve to wonder why victims make the relationship choices that they do.  As you can tell from the above story that history has a way of repeating itself.  Most victims in tough relationships are able to survive because they have already been conditioned by abusive parents and guardians long before they have met their abusers.  So when they enter into these relationships, they see familiar things about their dates, who one day become significant in their lives.  These abusers who can be women and men with their share of issues use various tactics to control their victims such as: emotional abuse like cold stares, silent treatment, gas lighting, lies, threats, physical, financial and spiritual abuse.


NOTE: The previous story was based on real events although some details had been changed for privacy reasons.


Nicholl McGuire writes articles, blogs and books for many websites and offers ghost-writing services as well.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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