Past Used Against the Victim - When Freedom Seems to be Nowhere in Sight

So the devil of a man decides to take a low blow during an argument and use a victim's past to talk about why the last one abused her, why she deserved it, and how he will hurt her like the former abuser did.  His pot shot was painful and a trigger; lucky for him she didn't turn into a raging lunatic and pay him back for every man who came before him who thought they were bold enough to put their hands on her.

What makes a woman go off the deep end?  Statements like the above.  Frequent disrespectful attitudes and words, mean glares, negative behaviors like silent treatment and gas-lighting, and more leading up to the day that she explodes. 

Far too often outsiders, looking at that single public incident, the day everything turned black and the woman lost her mind will question, "Why would she even attempt to fight a man?  What would possess her to act so angrily?  Why would the man think that slapping her silly would get her to calm down?"  Let us be reminded, people don't think rationally when they are in a maze of a relationship that they can't seem to get out of emotionally, spiritually and physically.  You take one turn and that one leads to a dead-end--typically created by the handler/abuser/controller.  Then you go down another path only to find out there is no one there who is willing to provide enough assistance to get free permanently.  So where do you end up?  Right back where you started from.  The mean-spirited man awaits ready to throw a b*tch a bone in his eyes.  But one day the dog will turn on him and bite.  There is no logical mind in a mad dog!  

Rarely does the public hear about the events that played out prior to that fateful day.  Instead, the media will paint the picture, "They argued over a phone number...she was angry because he spit on her...He was drunk when she cut him..."  You should be thinking, "That wasn't the main reason as to why the woman went off!" 

Consider this, the weeks of wishing a person would change, she prayed for God to deliver her from this evil situation she got herself into.  The times that all was fine and everyone was behaving themselves until yet again verbal and non-verbal abuse showed up.  The controlling man/woman lied again, cheated again, made promises again, bad-mouthed again, didn't pay bills again, kept secrets again, and with so much drama going on, is there any wonder why someone would go off?

Throw extended relatives, in-laws, friends, and co-workers into the mix and things get quite complicated.  Everyone has words about leaving, but no action.  Everyone has prayers, but no money.  Everyone has a residence, but no space.  Everyone has thoughts, but no time.  Then they think, when push turns into shove, "Why my daughter?  Oh, my poor son...what happened?"  Don't play ignorant, remember all of the above!  Most witnesses/confidantes will say to others, "It's not my business.  She should have listened to me, I never liked her husband/boyfriend.  I don't have anything to do with their mess.  I hope they keep it where it's at.  Don't come knocking on my door!"

Victims always start out on a path toward freedom, sometimes their strides are bold, other times they are subtle.  They may stay at a hotel or plan a trip away.  They will begin to save money, make plans to work or work longer hours, and do other things to get free of the burden at home.  They may start going to church more and assist strangers along the street.  But then they may become distant from relatives and friends, stop participating in beloved hobbies, parent children less, pick up a bad habit, and look sad, angry, or disappointed quite often.  They may complain of aches, pains and more.  The writing is typically on the wall.  Victims, who recognize their relationship ills with an abuser, express interest in wanting to be free before the explosive incident.  They talk about leaving an abuser and may pack and move for a time.  But that is only half the battle.  Is the mind free?  Is the abuser still contacting her?  Is she strong enough to deal with him alone?  Does she have a strong enough support system and resources to help her so that she doesn't have to return to her abuser for things like: money, a residence, children, and more?  Does her family and friends even act like they love and care for her (and possibly children) or are they using and abusing her too? 

Most victims return to controlling partners, because there is a lack of resources and compassion from supposedly a supportive network.  Perpetuating the abuse by name-calling, yelling, and accusations will not free anyone!  If anything, it makes the victim feel like he or she is to blame for being the "inconvenience," and what do people do when they don't feel the love from those who claim to care about them?  They run right back into the arms of someone who promises to love and respect him or her even if what that abuser says is untrue.

Nicholl McGuire

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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