Monday

Beaten with Fists, Broken with Silent Treatment

She is the ideal candidate for the controlling man. Formerly abused, the survivor has potential to the man who doesn't have to lift a finger to keep his woman in her place at least for a time.

The manipulator knows he doesn't have to beat his victim into submission, because the other fellow already did that.  He isn't worried about her fighting him, because she already told him, "I'm done fighting, I just want a peaceful relationship with a loving, kind man."  The man, with dark thoughts and hidden anger, has little patience and even less time to work on a relationship, so he finds the survivor easy prey. 

"She won't argue much," he thinks. "She won't put up too much resistance when I want my way, and she will keep to herself most of the time..." The weary woman won't bother checking up on her controlling lover either.  Why bother?  "Whatever he does isn't as bad as the last one," she thinks.  "Besides, I don't want to be a pest or run him off--good men are so hard to find."

The opportunist, a closet abuser, knows his victim very well.  He may have watched his mother be abused.  Listened to stories of others who were victimized.  He observes his victim and knows she doesn't have much energy to keep up with him.  So he will use her for sex, a good meal, money or whatever she is willing to let him have.  Mr. Charming will take advantage of what the damsel in distress will do for him while she heals from the last one. 

A controlling man can talk his victim into focusing on him and only him!  No one else matters just him.  No one cares about his "Sweetie, Honey, Diamond, Baby, Love" as much as he.  The man with a plan can wine and dine his brokenhearted woman, dress the poor damsel up and make her feel pretty again while telling her, "I love you...he doesn't know what he missed."  Her new lover can make promises that he knows he won't honor later, but if she takes the bait, by the time she is hooked, she won't make much of a fuss.   All is forgiven, right?

Oh yes, the woman who has been beaten with fists and no longer fights back with words or hands is a control freak's dream!  He doesn't have to yell, shake her, or even curse at her for long, he can just sit quietly when she does things he doesn't like.  Visit with family and friends? Quiet.  Desire to take up a new hobby? Quiet.  Buy something for self?  Quiet.  Make a suggestion about doing something different?  Quiet.  He is the master of silent protests!
 
When he has run out of nice things to woo his victim, he will take comfort in being his true self.  He will walk pass her without speaking or touching.  He will pretend as if she doesn't exist when his needs aren't being met in the way he thinks she should meet them.  He won't volunteer to share personal things like: stories about his day, shopping experiences, bank account funds, email, websites he visited, shows he watched, and where he went the other day without saying so much as a goodbye.  No, the controlling man believes he is in control. 

The deceptive one knows his victim is simply content with not having to experience things like:  repeatedly fight a man like in the past, hear someone call her every name but her birth name, or worry about him cheating--at least for now.  So grateful to be with a good man, at least so she thinks.

Evil comes in many forms including in those who do nothing more than sit and observe.

Nicholl McGuire maintains this blog, wrote Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, and shares spiritual insight on various topics from a spiritual perspective, see here. 

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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