Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Today, domestic violence is becoming a well-known problem, but few people realize that women in romantic relationships aren't the only victims. Domestic violence is defined as any violence that occurs in a household, whether between close family relationships or even among distant relatives who happen to be living under the same roof. The most widely publicized forms of domestic violence include that between the husband or father as abuser and girlfriends, wives, and children as victims, although it can actually occur between any family members. Domestic abuse may occur in a wide variety of situations. It may include not only physical abuse, but also sexual abuse, in which the abuser uses force to compel the victim to participate in a sexual act. This can occur even if the victim and the abuser are married or in a romantic relationship. Although identification of physical or sexual domestic abuse is not difficult to uncover by those closest to the victims, it is of...

We have seen the movies, listened to talk show hosts, heard stories about relatives, friends and co-workers, and some of us were victims ourselves, domestic abuse hasn't gone anywhere.  No matter how much a civic group preaches about "no more abuse,"  there will always be someone somewhere who feels that it is his or her right to abuse over and over again! What we already know about domestic abuse is that it is a pattern and/or cycle of controlling behavior and this typically occurs with people who live together or have lived together.  The behaviors can be life threatening and lead to a premature death for victims.  Domestic abuse spreads throughout generations and it doesn't matter your background, ethnicity, faith, gender, sexuality, social class, etc.  However, what we need to know is that in times of crisis (such as what we are still in), the abuser is more agitated, angry, difficult to talk to, and if he or she has lost employment, the constant worry abou...

Why do people in relationships, who know that their mates lie, connive, cover-up, and do other sneaky things, expect them to come forth with the truth about things like:  their whereabouts, who they talk to, where they go after work, or who they know? The writing is on the wall when it comes to answered prayer and what do victims do?  They act as if God hasn't shown them anything.  They retreat back into the world of lies.  These victims converse with their abusers about the facts in the hopes of feeling at peace with their partners' answers.  They hope that wrongdoings will be confessed, but it never happens.  Instead, what usually occurs is the abuser will do things like:  stone-wall, argue, defend, bad-mouth others, gas-light, blame, deny, or minimize the situation(s). "Babe, it's not what you think.  You know I wouldn't do that...I really care about you.  Honey, we have been through so much, I have changed.  I would never hurt y...

Years of being with someone controlling will wreck havoc on your mind, body and spirit.  You will find yourself just as controlling, miserable, and manipulative as the abusive person in your life.  I have witnessed this first hand and I will tell you that people under years of mind control are untrustworthy.  Somewhere within, they will always feel like they ought to protect, respect, and appreciate their abusers at least in front of others.  But behind closed doors is typically a different story.  Some of the same tactics used on them, victims will attempt to use on their abusers.  They become quite good at them, but they are never isolated to just using their devious ways on their controlling partners, they will use them on others too i.e.) children, friends, co-workers, etc. Some things that you or someone you know might need to be mindful of with these victims include: 1.  They will say one thing and do another.   Many vic...

In today's society, it is crucial to address the impact of untreated trauma on children. Exposure to abusive behaviors and unresolved traumas can have profound effects on a child's development and well-being. In this blog post, we will delve into the various themes discussed in a recent podcast episode, highlighting the importance of providing a safe and stable environment for children. Through verbatim quotes from the Stillness Gifts podcast hosted by the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate , Nicholl McGuire, we will explore the potential consequences of untreated trauma and the steps that can be taken to mitigate its impact. Exposure to Behavior "Untreated victims of abuse will do something that will surprise you."  The first theme we encounter is the unpredictable behavior exhibited by untreated victims of abuse. Nicholl recounts a distressing incident involving a priest who, overwhelmed by a crying baby, resorts to hitting the child instead of offering a bl...

I have had the blessing and the curse of having some very straightforward people in my social circles over decades.  The kind of men and women who give you the truth with no chaser.  "Look your boyfriend is ugly...I don't know what you see in him.  Stop dating broke men!  You are better than that..."  Can I say you need bold people like that around you until you are back on your feet again? As you progress, you might want to lose them, because negative people have their share of baggage and after awhile you outgrow them.  Anyway... Look, I have been transparent for years all around the web and shared my testimony of freedom, peace and increase after coming out of a very bad relationship over a couple decades ago and another mentally draining one soon after that.  I personally want abused men and women to win!  Use their mistakes in life to propel them, but not continue to allow poor decisions to suffocate, bind, and rob them of better lives in t...

On an audio recording, I talk about someone who I call "Mr. Potential."  He is the guy that many women fall in love with knowing full well that he has far too many flaws to count, but they believe that he will change one day.  "If I just pray for this...I hope for that...buy him this...Just maybe he will change..." the victim tells herself after yet again being disrespected by her partner. After years being around male relatives and friends, who dare I say it were nothing more than trouble for their women, these players, pimps, hustlers, pretty boys, and similar guys with egos the size of their heads, rarely do change!  The victims are in love with the false images they have of their partners.  They see things only in the way they want and will fight anyone who shows them any different.  Sound the alarm in an attempt to help the gullible/brainwashed/controlled victims and they will turn on you like a snake.  Now I don't want any one read...

So you thought a person in an abusive relationship already had enough issues from verbal insults to fighting with a partner, yet they have spiritual issues too?  Yes, many of them.  Salvation is doubted at times for some.  Rebellion is a common foe.  The Holy Ghost living within a believer is often grieved.  Church brothers and sisters might create distance for any number of reasons including being victims of the victims.  Satanic views or worldly thoughts become enticing.  Temptation to do something to an abuser that might put one in jail is a constant fight.  Immorality, compromising one's faith...the list goes on. Whether you or someone you know is struggling in a relationship that keeps him or her stressed, know that the victim is also going through a test of faith that will either grow stronger as a result or cause one to want to forget about God. The more drama one puts up with from a person who loves power and contr...

The next time you are seated with someone having a discussion about a celebrity, a partner, a relative, or a co-worker, notice how the person talks about those who he or she really likes, but may have some issues with.  If you were to analyze the negative conduct of one's favorite person and mention how they are dealing or not dealing with the issues, what do you think the reaction might be? Most people who see themselves in others or are being hurt by someone they still love or like, will find ways to excuse the person's disrespectful or shocking behavior.  They will attempt to get you to focus on what good they did, how much money they have, where they live, or who they know so that it lessens the evil that the individual has committed.  The "fan" will defend their favorite person even though they may not like recent activities.  They may say the person being accused is being railroaded, people just don...

This wasn't brave of her, it was cruel, selfish, and crazy, she allowed another human being to humiliate her, beat her, rule the kids, teach the family how to hate, manipulate, lie, and abuse others. Oh, what a twisted mind will do for love! We judge, hate, and sometimes we cut off contact with abused relatives and friends.  These victims serve as reminders of when we were once weak.  We too permitted others to abuse and use us whether we knew their intentions or didn't believe what they were doing, either way we were being emotionally hurt over and over again until we wised up. Self-righteous victims and survivors are so busy trying to make something that isn't meant to be, meant while others have become so weary of relationship, work, and other dramas that the fight to do anything different just isn't there anymore.  Therefore partners can cheat while victims look away, children can be disobedient without little, if any, discipline, money is wasted on useless goo...

You heard the songs that talk of a man or woman in a relationship not being able to live without one another.  Some talk of dying if they can't be with the other.  It all sounds so romantic, but this loving talk has a dark side.  It programs couples to think that they can't manage in this world without one another.  In time, one is on the suicide path.  This sort of thinking is toxic! A person that feels like he or she can't move, sleep, awake, go anywhere, or do anything without the other has become trapped in a cage of a relationship where there is no key to escape.  One's mind is consumed with the thoughts of the other quite often.  Whenever an independent thought or idea comes up, the abused victim thinks, "If I make this move or that one, what will he think, what might he do?  If I go here, how will she react?"  On the surface, it appears reasonable to consider the thoughts of the other, but for victims of frequent emotional and physi...

Believe it or not, there are emotionally and physically battered men, women and children in this world who have grown quite accustomed to being in what we would say is "a bad situation."  They have found that staying with abusers is much easier for them then trying to live independently. The pain, relocation stress, worry of bills, children's cries for the angry parent, and more are future issues that they don't want to have to deal with; therefore, these victims just resolve in their minds to stay with abusers.  They have no plans on getting free of anything because they don't believe that the relationship is so bad that they need to leave.  For some victims, they know that their abusers controlling and manipulative tactics are wrong, but they just deal with them anyway while hoping things get better year after year after year.  Others are aware that being hit, choked, slapped, kicked, or shoved is bad, but they don't bothe...

One of the most puzzling aspects of domestic violence is why victims stay with their abusers. There are many factors that can contribute to this decision, including emotional attachment , financial dependency , and fear of retaliation . Unfortunately, domestic violence often escalates over time, making it even more difficult for victims to leave. In some cases, victims may have been raised in a household where domestic violence was accepted as a normal part of life. As a result, they may not realize that there are other options available to them. In other cases, victims may be afraid that leaving the relationship will result in further violence. They may also believe that they can change their abuser's behavior if they just try hard enough.  Ask yourself the following questions: Have you (or your loved one) been emotionally or physically abused in the past?  How did you or others respond to the abuse?  Are you fearful of what might happen if you (or they leave)? Do you re...

Plenty of victims have learned the hard way that too much idle time spent around an angry man or woman, especially during evenings and weekends, will lead to sooner or later abusive words, hands, or more striking out.  People, who are historically rude with others, are not easy to like or love.  This is why many angry, lonely people take to the Internet for some social stimulation, because they have offended most folks who have been in their presence offline.  In time, their own kinfolk want very little to do with them. Family members, friends, exes, co-workers and others have the mental and physical freedom that  abused men and women have yet to experience when it comes to dealing with these difficult people.  The kind of freedom that victims envy.  They can be cordial periodically with their abusive sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, friends, etc. while carrying on with their lives, because they don't have ...

Still emotionally high on that nice time a victim had with his or her abuser over the holidays, the victim hopes for the best concerning his or her relationship.  Relatives and friends may have encouraged him or her to stay with well-wishes and promises to pray.  Persuading one's self into believing that there is still a chance for a quality relationship sprinkled with toxicity, the victim shuts out past negativity for a time telling his or herself, "Forgive and forget."  Church visiting and man-made religion further programs the abused to stick out a bad relationship long past red alert signs and warnings from witnesses. Victims will gravitate to messages of forgiveness and pray while hoping a righteous God will put a stamp of approval on their poor selection of a mate (the Bible warns not to get involved with an angry man and not to be unequally yoked.  In addition, to reminding believers that the body is ...

Most abusers are jealous types.  Envious of your intelligence, looks, talents, attention you receive from others, and more.  Systematically an abuser might say and do things to keep you thinking, guessing, wondering about what he or she is up to.  Abusive men and women do some crazy-making things to those closest to them especially if they feel like their victims are emotionally and physically withdrawing from them.  An abuser's plan is to draw you back to him or her.  It isn't that difficult when this person has made his or herself an idol in your life.  The voice of God that you think is beckoning you to draw near or return to this difficult individual (that is if you already left) is really your abusive mate's energy pulling you back toward him or her.  God frees men and women from trouble, he doesn't encourage victims to go back to someone or something he hasn't fixed and most...

The day that you make up in your mind that you will no longer put up with an emotionally or physically abusive partner , is the day that you are headed toward peace of mind. You are now ready to focus on your future without the controlling individual dominating every aspect of your mind.  It can be challenging to plan for the day you are officially free from an abuser , but you can do it!  Encourage yourself!  Take baby steps toward independence and don't allow anyone or anything to discourage you in your quest to break free from toxic programming. Survivors , who were once victims, recognized just how brainwashed they were in their past miserable relationships of power and control.  Abusers bully their victims.  They make promises sometimes keeping them, other times breaking them.  They dominate their lives with their demands.  The longer you stay, the more they keep you under their thumb. Expecting someone or a group to rescue you from the clut...

"Still here. So unsure. He blames me for his sins, takes everything personally, abandons instead of deals with martial issues (we have not resolved issues since married), I am suppose to act perfect, he acts superior, have been told he won't meet marital needs or desires until I behave, he determines sexual times, doesn't care about me or anything except his things. So confused. My brain is a mess. I miss my relationship with The Lord...I cannot even think straight anymore. Sorry so much to say:(" The above quote was from a real person, who for safety reasons we are keeping the identity private. Presently she is in a relationship with a partner who is abusive. Notice how the abuser makes her feel like she is to act "perfect" while he acts "superior." He apparently uses passive aggressive techniques to get her to "behave." What is worse, while she remains in this controlling relationship with him, she describes her brain as being in...

Your controlling, insecure, or violent date/partner made some people before you angry, used and abused them too.  They already knew some bad things about the man or woman you claim to love and for some they might have admitted to being victims of abuse, but you most likely wouldn't know nor would you care.  Abusers make sure no one ever gets close enough to their victims for them to discover the real truth.  There are the stories they tell and then there are those the exes know about.  These controlling men and women work quickly winning the new partners' trust, badmouthing exes, and hoping they never do any snooping or talking to former mates.  We all have exes for reasons.  They have their explanations and we have ours.  When one chooses to move on with his or her life, there is the verbalized or unspoken agreement between that person and the ex which is not to tell everyone everythi...

Selfish, bitter, arrogant, and angry, a partner that doesn't care much about you.  Too much arguing, ignoring, and being spiteful, two people co-exist in a dwelling.  He passes her by and she does the same.  There's only one problem, the victim still has feelings for the abuser. What does it feel like when one works to love someone who doesn't love in return?  It is lonely, depressing, irritating, and a constant hope that things might change, but they don't. She loves him and wants what is best for him, but he is annoyed with her reaching out to him.  He believes that there is still a chance the relationship might rebound, but things appear to be getting worse after every dispute. One labors and labors until either the individual makes up in his or her mind to break up, separate, or pay the other back for all the pain and suffering while still remaining in an unhealthy relationship .  The cycle of thoughts go round and round as challenges rise and...