Thursday

The Honeymoon Period - The Delusion of Valentine's Day

Many couples will take off the boxing gloves for Valentine's Day depending on how long they have been together.  The abusive one will pause for a moment to feel good, look nice, eat well, and drink happily.  The victim will play along.  All will appear nice and everyone will be on their best behavior--at least we hope so.  But for how long?


Those Valentine's Day holiday trinkets warm hearts for a moment.  They make couples feel hopeful about the future--even if they are in a mess of dysfunction.  For a time, the victim might tell herself, "He isn't so bad.  That's my Sweetheart, I remember why I love him so much."  Abused men with angry female partners might say something similar to themselves.  "I know she gets a little crazy sometimes, but I love my Babe."  If someone should point out a lover's faults, the victim will cry foul and act as if he or she never had any major issues with his or her angry partner.  But who is he or she fooling?


Holidays like Valentine's Day are deceptive.  They create a false world of what is supposed to be made up of love and happiness--a time of celebrating couples.  When the reality is the product marketers are the only ones who are truly overjoyed during this holiday as they watch much volume move out of their stores and bank accounts swell as a result. 


Now there are those in healthy relationships who truly love the holiday.  Yet, in the world of the used and abused, there is nothing more than acting that takes place during Valentine's Day.  Couples try real hard to love one another despite emotional and physical storms.  Battered partners are dealing with cheating, lying, stealing, physical abuse, emotional abuse, and more from people who claim that they love them.  Not every couple's mind, body and spirit is functioning properly and not everyone is in love with the idea of loving and being loved.


Some will spend the holiday arguing about the little things like:  a thoughtless gift, a lustful gaze at another woman or man, an unexpected pregnancy, no gift at all, and other things.  So the next time you see a couple that appears like they are the perfect couple, she's smiling and he's holding her hand, just remember, you don't go home with them and not everything that appears to be, really is.


Here are signs one is clearly delusional about one's abusive relationship.  Valentine's Day only validates his or her false beliefs about things getting better when they won't, the bad stuff just goes into hiding:


1.  A victim spends much money trying to appease an abuser who has proven he or she isn't mentally stable and shouldn't be in any intimate relationship, but because of the holiday the victim gives in.


2.  The victim defends his or her man or woman even though everyone is aware that the pair is in a toxic relationship.  She will argue about how, "He's not so bad...I love him."  He will say, "We have our share of problems, but she is still a good woman."  Family and friends don't forget the past sob stories and the statements about leaving.  But it's the holiday so all must be forgiven, right!?


3.  The abuser pretends as if he or she never said or did anything wrong and if confronted, the individual denies everything or acts as if others are misunderstood. The abusive man or woman does these things, because like a child, this person hopes to get a gift or some kind of acknowledgement because the holiday is coming up.  So one must be on his or her best behavior!


4.  People who don't know the couple's history will wish them well, "Happy Valentine's Day, Lovebirds!"  Meanwhile, the troubled couple will take nice words and encouraging statements and act as if things will just change between them overnight.  They may even go so far as to compare their miserable relationship with healthy ones.  You just can't compare apples with oranges.


5.  The dysfunctional couple falsely believes that one good night of some freaky sex will make up for past abuses.  If the abuser disrespected his or her victim prior to the holiday, why would he or she suddenly stop being mean-spirited just because one had some sexual foreplay and a release before, on or after Valentine's Day?


Back to reality, one is laboring to love an abusive mate.


Nicholl McGuire



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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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