Monday

Still Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate - The Victim Says, "My Brain is a Mess."

"Still here. So unsure. He blames me for his sins, takes everything personally, abandons instead of deals with martial issues (we have not resolved issues since married), I am suppose to act perfect, he acts superior, have been told he won't meet marital needs or desires until I behave, he determines sexual times, doesn't care about me or anything except his things. So confused. My brain is a mess. I miss my relationship with The Lord...I cannot even think straight anymore. Sorry so much to say:("

The above quote was from a real person, who for safety reasons we are keeping the identity private. Presently she is in a relationship with a partner who is abusive. Notice how the abuser makes her feel like she is to act "perfect" while he acts "superior." He apparently uses passive aggressive techniques to get her to "behave." What is worse, while she remains in this controlling relationship with him, she describes her brain as being in "a mess." People like this have been known to have narcissistic personality disorder, but since there has been no diagnosis and no other details one can only speculate.  

You or someone you know might be in a similar situation. You find the more you attempt to work things out with a partner, the more you feel like you are failing miserably at making this person happy as well as being at peace with yourself. The first mistake we all make is thinking that we can satisfy someone who is often upset, angry, argumentative unforgiving, self-righteous, etc. The only person that can truly make he or she happy is self. No amount of smiling, decorating one's self up, talking sweetly, and other niceties will change a stubborn, mean-spirited, and fault-finding loved one.

The next mistake is staying with the person in the hopes that he or she will change. Those of us who have been in relationships that were abusive, know that abusers rarely change. They might get older and slow down with the name-calling and physical fights, but most often they are still very much struggling with their personality disorders. The victims may also have their share of issues as a result of being with an abusive man or woman for so long.

Most people, who have survived crazy-making relationships, did so by freeing themselves. They refused to continue to play roles in other people's lives that they knew did nothing more than rob them of their peace of mind, joy, and love for self and others. They escaped their difficult and often abusive relationships, because there was no compromise from partners. Abusers are good for making false promises, hoping for the best, but then when trial shows up, they resort back to their evil ways once again. Sometimes these abusers will use opportunities such as: church visits, family interventions, and counseling sessions to rally against the victims. Therefore, making themselves appear as if they are the perfect, righteous, self-controlled, or kind person in the relationship while demonizing their partners. Those relatives, friends, counselors, and others who are not discerning, and oftentimes bias, will side with abusers and fall for their charm while cautioning and/or blaming victims. So rather than stay in abusive relationships with the encouragement from deceived networks (with their share of toxic people leading them), the victims have no choice but to escape by any means necessary including: divorce, leaving children behind, relocating, police involvement, and more. Others will stick around and permit destructive things to occur to themselves and others or may even participate in heinous acts with abusers.

Find the strength to see your situation for what it is. Don't sugarcoat the truth! Be prepared to make necessary adjustments with or without your children. However, avoid the temptation to want to run into the arms of another man or woman. This can backfire and only make matters worse especially if he or she has little time, patience, money, or energy for the side effects that come after one has left an abusive situation.  

Please do check out more on this blog about "break up," "survivors" and "abused men" and "abused women."

Thanks for stopping by!

Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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