Monday

When You Distrust Him/Her/Them: Test the Spirits

Being in a relationship that is headed for break up isn't easy especially when children, finances, and other people and things are involved.  But people who have been victims or survivors of domestic violence know that the fight for freedom is well worth it and some battles you will win and others you might lose.  Your abusive partner might have a long history of lying, cheating and stealing whether the situations were little or big, his or her integrity is put into question often.  When feelings like this surface, you will need to test the spirits.

People will claim that they love, trust, care, and want a future with you, but if deep inside you aren't convinced, it's time to get your hands dirty, it's time to ask the hard questions.   A partner or relative may or may not react negatively to your tests.  But you will never know about one's heart, true intentions, or thoughts when you have a closed mouth.  I learned this the hard way.  Having spent years listening to a partner's lies, exaggerations, half-truths, name-calling, and blaming statements, I realized that one who is controlling or has been controlled by a mother, former girlfriends, etc. will not permit you into his or her world with questions.  This often troubled, jealous, or hurt individual wants people around him to just go along with his every move, believe he is always telling the truth (even when at times he doesn't), and never wants you to talk to those around him for fear you might inquire about what is really going on with him despite his deceiving behavior.

"Don't ask me about that...I resent you saying I did...Why would you question me on this?   You don't believe me...!"  He yells.  "No!" she yells back. "Because if I was to list the many times you tried to pull a fast one, we would be arguing all night. So when I question you on something, don't act like you are so righteous!"

When manipulators are right and have finally told the truth (at least for once in their lives), or are acting better than they had in the past, they make mountains out of mole hills.  "Look, look, I didn't lie, I told the truth!"  He tells everyone he knows.  "She doesn't trust me, I don't know why she gives me a hard time!"  The liar never bothers to think about his long history of mean, deceitful or antagonizing behaviors--he wants witnesses to forget about those times.  He also doesn't analyze his own emotions and why he does what he does and says what he says.  He simply blames the woman, children, job, etc.--it's always the other person in his world.  Just maybe he has a mental disorder, has issues with forgiveness, need Jesus, and fails at making wrongs right, only time will tell.

Now after he has given you stories of "how you are a #$%^& or you act like a @#$%^," most likely, someone or a group knows some things, if not everything, about the relationship.  When you come around these individuals they act as if nothing is wrong.  Someone may even say or do something that makes you think, "What was that for?  Why did she say and do that?"  Test these relatives and friends, can you trust them with information, children, or assistance?

This testing period is crucial especially if you plan on marrying one day--I know that for some readers they would think, "Why would someone marry knowing all this about a partner?  But people do.  Think of people in your own family who gave a partner the pass and married anyway and remained together for years.

Anyway, why would you permit others to witness your big day when you know there are far too many haters looking at you and him with dislike, and besides is this person doing more good than evil these days?  A long history of fussing, cussing, back-biting, and more will put a bitter taste in anyone's mouth, so if you suspect people are treating you differently than they use to, test them.  Now you don't want to bad-mouth your partner if you are seeking specific information, so you can test people simply by talking about things that interest them and how might you assist them.  This will open a door of trust between you and they.  In time, you can then make general statements like, "I need you to pray for me...or I am concerned about some things...I sometimes feel bad about..."  of course this opens the door for them to say, "Well, what bothers you?"  Don't reveal too much, keep the conversation about self, children, future, and more, but avoid blatantly talking about your partner's character to others (especially if your situation is abusive).

Keep in mind, family and friends will try to draw you into a conversation of gossip and bad-mouthing about your partner, don't let them.  (Remember you are seeking information that your partner isn't giving you from this person, but sometimes you have to give up a little to get a lot!)  Ask for advice from the relative or friend you are testing, not because you will take it, just because it puts the person listening in a position where they are giving up something too.  They most likely will not want you to say or mention anything about what was said to your partner or another relative and vice versa, so shake on your agreement to keep things confidential.  If you should notice something strange, since your conversation with the relative or friend, or the person doesn't act like he or she cares or likes you, you know where you stand with him or her.  Don't tell them anything else about you, children, life, etc.  Sometimes relatives and friends will stay loyal for all the wrong reasons to an abuser, and as a result, sooner or later they will feel bad about their actions or in-actions--let God deal with them if you have a faith--for he says, "Vengeance is mine!"

When you distrust a partner, loved one, even a stranger, test the spirits!  It doesn't pay to stay up late at night wondering if someone is being honest with you especially when you know he or she isn't acting very nice, caring or honest lately with his or her feelings or actions.  Simply ask a question. He or she might react over-the-top, "How dare you ask me about that?"  But at least you know that what is in the heart will come out the mouth!  The over reaction displayed from a partner could be coming from a place of hurt, bitterness, confusion, or a cover up for other things.  He or she will lack self control in the hopes that you will feel intimidated and won't ask anymore questions in the future--don't fall for this!  If he or she curses without hesitation, acts defensive, starts plotting revenge, and just blows everything you say and do out of proportion, you my friend, have a foe not a lover, a future marriage partner, or anything else like this!

Let God deal with this person, and while you're at it, stop feeding him or her with "sacrificial offerings," so to speak, such as gifts, sex, money, time, etc. because it is clear this person has some unresolved issues concerning you and you can't very well trust someone who is acting more like a fool than a wise believer!

When he or she sees you are no longer in love with him or her, this person will attempt to make you feel guilty, talk about breaking up, threaten to throw you out of the home, use your children against you, and any other abusive thing he or she can think of.  The Lord says, "Stand"!  When the time comes to set you free from such a destructive relationship, where trust is no where to be found, you will sincerely appreciate your freedom and you will no longer desire such a person who plays more mind games than love games.  This testing season prepares you for a clean future free of worry and unnecessary confusion, so stand, my friend, until God gives you orders to do otherwise.

Check out other blogs by Nicholl.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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