6 Things We Do That Give an Abusive Mate Power

When I was in an abusive relationship back in 1996, I experienced some of the following things with my mate. It is so sad what we will do for love. I didn't know it at the time that all I was doing was giving him more power over me. He didn't love me anymore or any less. Looking back, he really didn't love himself, so how could he love me?

One. We make excuses for his or her behavior.

A customer service representative, sales clerk even a friend has witnessed our mate's insane behavior over the littlest of things. So what do we do? We apologize on behalf of our man. We talk about the stress he is under. We expect empathy from everyone because of his past unfortunate circumstances.

Two. We lie for him or her.

We think that by lying about any problem or situation our partner is experiencing that somehow they will treat us better. If anything, they will take what we did for them and wash our faces with it later. "How can I trust you? You lied to your mother for me!"

Three. We have sex with him or her even when we don't want it.

We think by showing our mate some love in the bedroom he or she will in turn show love back. The truth is sex is nothing more than a release for someone who is abusive. Love has nothing to do with it. Giving up sex to him or her means nothing but control, possession, and an act of a perverted form of submission over you. We are not the only one he is sleeping with usually.

Four. We do whatever he or she asks no matter how much we disagree.

If he wants his food cooked a certain way, a new sexual position, or time spent where ever and with whomever he wants, he expects you to be understanding. When you object, he beats you until you no longer object to what he does. Abusive women use manipulative strategies like staying out all hours of the night or flirting with his friends as a means of control.

Five. We isolate ourselves from family and friends because he or she has issues with them.

He or she doesn't like your sister, loathes your mother, and/or hides from your father. All of these things are signs he or she wants you to cut them off, because your mate doesn't want them putting anything in your mind about him or her such as "end the relationship...leave him...you know he's no good for you, so why do you stay?"

Six. We allow he or she access to all our money.

He or she knows that if they have your money, they have you. You won't be able to pack up and leave whenever you want. Your mate knows that if he or she can obtain money whenever they want, he or she will be able to use that money for whatever they like. Then when you need to pay rent, lights and other bills, you practically have to beg, borrow and steal to get it -- thanks to your abusive partner!

There are many other signs of control an abusive partner will use, but these are the ones I am most familiar with since I lived through some of these and witnessed others with family members and friends.


Nicholl McGuire
Author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate
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