Beaten by the Past, Emotionally Abused by the Present with No Hope for the Future

She was so grateful to be free from a miserable relationship that included slaps, chokes, threats, and stalking.  However, what she didn't realize is that soon after coming out of the physically abusive one, she would walk into the arms of a controlling man with a sharp tongue.  He trained her like a sergeant in the military.  When she strayed left, he used his threatening demeanor to yell, "Go right!"  And so she marched, "Left right left..." her selfish husband was not a loving person.  He didn't think much of people, had no friends, and was far from compassionate.

When you are in a relationship with someone who advises, instructs and even shares one's personal thoughts in a way that demeans, ridicules, or makes one fearful, you often find yourself acting out with others.  You yell, you push back, you fight, and most of all you isolate yourself from those who know you best.  One who walks away from an abusive relationship isn't necessarily free until the individual reaches a point in his or her life where he or she refuses to put up with any dysfunctional behavior that looks even a little bit like his or her past relationship.

Over and over again the angry wife battles with those around her; rather than place her rage squarely on the one who causes her the most stress, her emotionally abusive husband.  She doesn't hope for the best like she once did, because she knows her best years are gone--long gone.  She isn't interested in fulfilling her dreams for she knows her partner wouldn't go along with them.  Abusers could care less about your feelings.  You harden your heart when you are with them.  You rarely cry or cry too often in their presence.  You live a lie--telling people you have a good relationship when you really don't.

The more one convinces self of the lie, he or she calls "a relationship, marriage, engagement...," the more delusional the person becomes.  Everyone else can see the truth but him or her. "Things will get better," she tells herself.  "I don't know why we always end up disputing, but I know we are good for each other."  The abuser and the abused are a dysfunctional match.

The next time you find yourself judging one who is in a physically abusive relationship, consider what emotional abuse you have had to endure in order to "keep hope alive" in your own relationship.  The past doesn't look very good, now does it?  The present is a challenge and what about the future?

Nicholl McGuire