Most women who meet men are seeking to be loved, respected, and protected. The last thing they want is a man that is troubled or mentally challenged. But unfortunately, these men exist and their strange, controlling ways can drive your mind to a place where you don't know whether you are coming or going. So what might be some early signs that your man is driving you insane?
1. You obsess over trying to fix things for him in an effort to pick up his mood while putting down your own.
Everyone makes mistakes, but when in a relationship with someone who is mentally troubled, mistakes are unacceptable. Not only that, when he makes an error, doesn't feel good, or like something, rather than admit his fault, he looks around for others and things to place the blame. You might help him by doing things to appease him, but even still, his mind is made up to remain angry, bitter, and confused about whatever the issue is. There is nothing you can do about that, I repeat nothing you can do, but walk away, and preserve your sanity!
2. You are visibly shaken or nervous every time he rants or complains about something.
Running around the house like a chicken with his head cut off, you work hard to find his car keys, straighten up his stuff, work on his problem, or clean up his messes while he repeatedly talks about his issues. In the back of your mind, you worry that he might explode on you. You might even enlist the help of others to appease your crazy man. Don't wonder why family and friends don't come around!
3. You are constantly telling the children to: "Be quiet, sit down, don't do that because your dad this... and your dad that..."
Not only are you often worried about what he will do to you, the household or others, but you are also concerned about what he will do to the children, so much in fact, that you want them to be like statues when he is around. Acting fearful and worried often, will not only make you crazy, but your children too!
4. You are embarrassed and nervous when he is around people and things he doesn't like such as: the poor, needy, sick, disabled, uneducated, and animals.
You worry that he may say or do something that will make you feel like you have to smooth things over with different people or tell others to protect their animals. You act like a public relations specialist with family, friends and others when he comes around telling them things like, "He didn't mean it...you know how he can be...I apologize...I hope you don't hold that against him."
5. You know his temperament and are aware that he has been physically violent with people, so you walk on eggshells with him and pray that others will do the same.
You don't look forward to going anywhere with him and are worried that if he is in the same room with certain relatives, friends and others that he might go off. So you try to go above and beyond to put everyone at ease while driving yourself mad if anyone should say or do the wrong thing. You become overly sensitive and defensive about things that others wouldn't bother to react.
6. You experience feelings of shame and embarrassment whenever he starts talking about personal experiences using a variety of expletives and worry what might people think of him and you.
You hope and pray to the point that even God wants you to be quiet with all your ramblings about your partner. From this man's cursing to his threats, you often wish that when the two of you go visit family and friends that he would just sit down and shut up.
7. You feel like you have to live up to his expectations of what a wife and mother should be (even if you aren't his wife) rather than learning and growing without the need of his opinion.
Far too concerned about what this man thinks and what you should and shouldn't be doing to fit his image of what a wife and mother should be, you argue with others while defending him--even when he is wrong.
8. You avoid visiting relatives and making friends; therefore you have no one outside of him to give you mental support.
With no network of support, you talk to yourself often internally/externally, bad habits increase, physical illnesses are frequent and linger, and you might obsess over spiritual people and things. In time, witnesses will recognize some things about you that aren't right while you will pretend that everything is okay or defend yourself as if someone said the most terrible things to you.
9. You find yourself reporting your every move and conversations to your mate even when he doesn't ask.
He may have trained you early on through fits of jealousy, anger outbursts or the silent treatment not to talk to the opposite sex. He doesn't like your friendly connections. He will object to your talking to relatives about him whether good, bad or otherwise and you will find yourself avoiding any conversation where you or they spoke of him. He says and does things that intimidate you so that you will not violate his rules. Most likely, you have taught your children to do the same, "What goes on in this house stays in this house...don't talk about me or your dad." Is all the sworn secrecy really necessary?
10. You don't feel good about doing anything apart from him ie.) pursue career goals, take up a hobby, join an organization, improve something in or around your residence, drive, etc. and somehow forgot he was a catalyst in helping you feel this way.
Most people do things that they enjoy with and without their mates--that is a healthy functional relationship, but you talk yourself out of doing things that you enjoy because years of stares, glares, silent treatment, and for some, physical abuse from a partner told you, "He won't like you doing that...so forget it." Rather than take your disappointments out on your partner, you look outside your relationship and argue with others about things that really don't matter. Think about this, a bird locked up in a cage will peck at fingers who try to make contact even when those fingers are only trying to help.
11. You find yourself having to keep conversations and where you go and how long you been there sometimes private. You hide personal information, because he often unnecessarily comments about what you are or aren't doing, who you know, and your personal interests.
He listens in on what you are saying to others and goes through your personal belongings and letters when you least expect it. Sometimes he will boldly ask about things you rather keep private. When you go somewhere he feels like he needs to be a part of the action. When you buy something, he feels like it is his duty to tell you how much you should spend and where you should shop and on what. You feel guilty about your feelings concerning him. At times, you keep secrets and feel bad that no part of your life is yours to enjoy alone. So you find yourself acting vengeful toward him--doing little things to get back at him.
12. You feel like his child rather than his mate sometimes.
From driving you wherever you want to go to questioning your whereabouts, you don't feel like a wife or girlfriend, but rather one of his children. You find yourself rebelling like a teen sometimes having temper tantrums, slamming doors, and running out the house.
13. You feel bad about yourself or others at times, because he is often being rude, cruel, or saying ugly things about you or them sometimes disguising his negativity with, "I'm just joking, you can't take a joke?"
You avoid wearing certain things, getting your hair done, putting on perfumes, and doing other things because you worry that he might have something mean to say. You advise others to dress a certain way around him or avoid them altogether.
14. You only feel your absolute best when he says something nice to you.
When a woman builds her world around a man where the sun rises and goes down based on what he says to her, she has lost her mind and her soul. We live in an evil world comprised of flawed human beings. To allow anyone to have that much control over how you feel on any given day is enough to drive you mad. What happens when he dies, will you die with him? For those who are believers, you know God forbids idol worship. For some readers, you have made your men idols and God forbids it! It isn't any wonder you aren't feeling very good about your life these days, look who is governing it!
Don't allow your husband, boyfriend or lover to systematically program you to live in a world of bondage that he has created for himself and any slave who is willing to do what he wills. When you do this, you drive your mind, body and spirit mad! One day you will find yourself doing and saying some things that will help you get approved for a visit to a mental asylum. Take back control of your life! You owe it to yourself! Keep your sanity if nothing else!
Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate, Laboring to Love Myself and other books. Check out my Youtube spiritual channel http://www.youtube.com/nmenterprise7
Thursday
How Do You Know If You Are Dating a Sociopath?
If you are questioning some things about a new relationship and the person is leaving you feeling strange--almost attacked verbally--that is until he or she smiles and acts as if everything is okay and then strikes again...you might want to read the following: The 6 Steps of Dating a Sociopath
Friday
Self-Righteous Former Victims - shatteredperspectives.com
When you have been out of an abusive relationship for some time, one can be a bit self-righteous. Some women and men fail to realize that there is a process that many must undergo physically, mentally and dare I say it, spiritually (because there are those who skip over that part and end up right back with someone who is emotionally or physically abusive) before you can break free. But for those readers who don't understand the depth at which an abusive relationship affects others will compare their own lives, thoughts, opinions, and experiences on what they believe others should do now, not later.
Being that I went through a journey to work on loving someone who didn't love his self, I don't encourage people to stay with their abusers, but what I do is speak with the one who is working hard to make something happen that just isn't meant to be, hence the title, "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate."
Sometimes former abused women and men can be like a strict drill sergeant shouting from the rooftops what people should and shouldn't do while failing to remember how long it took them to break free.
Let's not be like the self-righteous who sit back and point the finger and act as if their "aha" moment didn't take much time to arrive at. There were people, places, and things that had to draw you away over time before you could go from being the one who labored to love an abusive mate to being free of the pain of abuse.
To those who are still hoping/wishing/praying that he or she will change, I encourage you to seek help and plan your exit carefully.
I thought of this topic when I came across http://shatteredperspectives.com and I realize that whether we are in or out of an abusive relationship we can have a perspective on what others are going through that could actually shatter what little self-esteem they have left. The writer endured much judgment from the church because of her thoughts/decisions regarding the abusive marriage she wanted to rid herself of.
When we read or hear the experiences of others, let us be mindful that we are not acting self-righteous, judgmental or even going so far as to brag about our abusive experiences. I wrote a blog entry on this site about people who do just that. And as the writer said on the previously mentioned site, "Abuse is not an option." But I would like to add, unless you make it one.
God bless.
Nicholl McGuire
Being that I went through a journey to work on loving someone who didn't love his self, I don't encourage people to stay with their abusers, but what I do is speak with the one who is working hard to make something happen that just isn't meant to be, hence the title, "Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate."
Sometimes former abused women and men can be like a strict drill sergeant shouting from the rooftops what people should and shouldn't do while failing to remember how long it took them to break free.
Let's not be like the self-righteous who sit back and point the finger and act as if their "aha" moment didn't take much time to arrive at. There were people, places, and things that had to draw you away over time before you could go from being the one who labored to love an abusive mate to being free of the pain of abuse.
To those who are still hoping/wishing/praying that he or she will change, I encourage you to seek help and plan your exit carefully.
I thought of this topic when I came across http://shatteredperspectives.com and I realize that whether we are in or out of an abusive relationship we can have a perspective on what others are going through that could actually shatter what little self-esteem they have left. The writer endured much judgment from the church because of her thoughts/decisions regarding the abusive marriage she wanted to rid herself of.
When we read or hear the experiences of others, let us be mindful that we are not acting self-righteous, judgmental or even going so far as to brag about our abusive experiences. I wrote a blog entry on this site about people who do just that. And as the writer said on the previously mentioned site, "Abuse is not an option." But I would like to add, unless you make it one.
God bless.
Nicholl McGuire
Emotional Abuse Help
Do you often feel nervous, sad, angry, depressed, or even crazy around your spouse? Chances are there is something that he or she is saying that is systematically sending you over the edge. Learn more about emotional abuse today. Heal from the name-calling, silent treatment, and other negative behaviors a partner is doing to you--find joy in living once again with or without her or him!
1. Dr. Phil shares emotional abuse signs
2. Understanding domestic violence and abuse
3. Types of emotional abuse
4. Five Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
5. Spiritual message about emotional and physical abuse
1. Dr. Phil shares emotional abuse signs
2. Understanding domestic violence and abuse
3. Types of emotional abuse
4. Five Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship
5. Spiritual message about emotional and physical abuse
Tuesday
She's Young, But She's Not Stupid: Dating Older
Sometimes we assume that young women who date older men, must be naive, gullible, unintelligent etc. But the truth is, they are smart. They know what they want, they just don't know how to communicate it at times. This comes with maturity. A young woman must have some time to experience life, but when she is dating men much older, she is often feeling like she has to learn quickly or otherwise lose her mind, her man, and her behind!
Communication isn't just what the young woman says, but how she says it in her attire, associations, and what she does when she is not with an older man. But problems in these relationships happen when an older man doesn't have the time, patience, or understanding when it comes to young women.
Some men have been raised by controlling mothers and fathers that rather beat a son, daughter, or even someone on the street into submission, then to explain much of anything. When one is with a hot-tempered, older man, he expects a young woman to listen and do as he is told. Although this doesn't sound good, and most wouldn't agree with what has been written, understand this is the mindset of a man who is often angry, impatient, irritable, and older.
A young woman trades her intelligence for stupidity when she agrees to a controlling man's way of life. If he tells her, "Do as I say...Listen to me and there won't be any problems...You will do what I say...or else..." and other similar phrases, the young woman has a problem on her hands that she may recognize, but maybe not. It is up to those around her, wiser than she is, to say something. Guide her by the hand and have a long talk with her. So the seeds in her mind and permit her to think about what she is doing. No woman old or young should be subjected to this kind of abuse. However, some individuals around her may be encouraging her to stay with a controlling, older man because they don't want her to live at the parent's home or somewhere else, the man provides gifts and money, he is trustworthy, or for many other reasons. But no matter the reason, what these "enablers" are doing--those who are encouraging her to stay with him despite the red alert signs that tell her to leave--are putting her life and possibly others at risk. Don't sit quietly, do something!
The young woman might say stupid things, act stupidly, but evidently she wasn't stupid when she started dating the older man. There may be a lot going on with her that we don't know about, so before you leave her alone, consider this, she may be going through alot.
Nicholl McGuire
See http://tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com if you are dating someone older or younger.
Communication isn't just what the young woman says, but how she says it in her attire, associations, and what she does when she is not with an older man. But problems in these relationships happen when an older man doesn't have the time, patience, or understanding when it comes to young women.
Some men have been raised by controlling mothers and fathers that rather beat a son, daughter, or even someone on the street into submission, then to explain much of anything. When one is with a hot-tempered, older man, he expects a young woman to listen and do as he is told. Although this doesn't sound good, and most wouldn't agree with what has been written, understand this is the mindset of a man who is often angry, impatient, irritable, and older.
A young woman trades her intelligence for stupidity when she agrees to a controlling man's way of life. If he tells her, "Do as I say...Listen to me and there won't be any problems...You will do what I say...or else..." and other similar phrases, the young woman has a problem on her hands that she may recognize, but maybe not. It is up to those around her, wiser than she is, to say something. Guide her by the hand and have a long talk with her. So the seeds in her mind and permit her to think about what she is doing. No woman old or young should be subjected to this kind of abuse. However, some individuals around her may be encouraging her to stay with a controlling, older man because they don't want her to live at the parent's home or somewhere else, the man provides gifts and money, he is trustworthy, or for many other reasons. But no matter the reason, what these "enablers" are doing--those who are encouraging her to stay with him despite the red alert signs that tell her to leave--are putting her life and possibly others at risk. Don't sit quietly, do something!
The young woman might say stupid things, act stupidly, but evidently she wasn't stupid when she started dating the older man. There may be a lot going on with her that we don't know about, so before you leave her alone, consider this, she may be going through alot.
Nicholl McGuire
See http://tipsdatingoldermen.blogspot.com if you are dating someone older or younger.
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