Some people may wonder why women and men remain with their toxic partners for so long. They have many reasons from children to money, but until they are ready to leave, they will settle. Settling means dealing with the emotional and/or physical abuse. Now we all know it is never a good idea to be with someone who is hurtful toward you, but sometimes women and men will put their time in, so to speak, until they are mentally and physically ready to leave. However, sometimes they never make it out of a terrible partnership alive.
So what are the victims of abuse doing to stay motivated to be with a mate?
1. They busy themselves.
The more projects to do, people to care for, and places to visit, the more the person in an abusive relationship will look the other way when it comes to a partner’s abuses. For some people, they become so good at running, they begin to think that all is well at home until a partner starts “loosing it” again.
2. They distract themselves from having to truly feel the pain of being abused.
From alcohol to an ice pack, if one’s mind stays focused on the numbing affect and the hope for healing, he or she will stop thinking about what caused the pain in the first place. A week, month or year later, the pain isn’t so bad and the crime isn’t thought about anymore, all is forgiven until next time.
3. They create a false image of their partners who they believe love them.
Victims boast to their friends, “He’s really a great guy…if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have what I have…deep down inside, he really means well. She is a good girl, she is very smart!” These optimistic, yet abused, men and women focus on the positive attributes of their abusive partner’s character while suffocating the reality that their partners are toxic and that they have far more negative character traits than good ones.
4. They lie to themselves and others.
“Things will get better I know it…it was really my fault when he blew up…He didn’t really mean to say that. I know my man!” If all these statements were true, then why do these abused men and women walk on egg shells around their mates? Why is it that others don’t have the kind of drama that they have and when those who are in functional relationships do have problems, they don’t feel the need to lie or cover them up?
5. They lean on God or some other gods.
In an effort to feel empowered and to keep hoping that things will get better, victims will lean on God or many gods to save them. When the reality is that they have the will to free themselves, yet choose to stay. God or gods don’t interfere with man’s free will, but the enemy of self along with other human beings do!
6. They come up with plans of escape, but oftentimes don't follow through.
From material wealth to children, abused people will reason that they need to stay because the alternatives aren’t much better. Therefore, whatever plan they had in mind is put on the back-burner. It also doesn’t help that sometimes they will communicate their intentions to their abusers which will cause them to persuade their mates not to leave them.
So if you ever wondered how abused men and women can stand to be with their often moody partners (some of which have severe mental issues) for decades, while incurring verbal and physical abuse, you just learned how. Now couple any one of the mentioned survival methods with a motivation “to be there for the children,” according to some abused individuals, and they will labor to love their abusive mates until they die despite all sound advice discouraging them to end the energy-draining relationship.
Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.
So what are the victims of abuse doing to stay motivated to be with a mate?
1. They busy themselves.
The more projects to do, people to care for, and places to visit, the more the person in an abusive relationship will look the other way when it comes to a partner’s abuses. For some people, they become so good at running, they begin to think that all is well at home until a partner starts “loosing it” again.
2. They distract themselves from having to truly feel the pain of being abused.
From alcohol to an ice pack, if one’s mind stays focused on the numbing affect and the hope for healing, he or she will stop thinking about what caused the pain in the first place. A week, month or year later, the pain isn’t so bad and the crime isn’t thought about anymore, all is forgiven until next time.
3. They create a false image of their partners who they believe love them.
Victims boast to their friends, “He’s really a great guy…if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have what I have…deep down inside, he really means well. She is a good girl, she is very smart!” These optimistic, yet abused, men and women focus on the positive attributes of their abusive partner’s character while suffocating the reality that their partners are toxic and that they have far more negative character traits than good ones.
4. They lie to themselves and others.
“Things will get better I know it…it was really my fault when he blew up…He didn’t really mean to say that. I know my man!” If all these statements were true, then why do these abused men and women walk on egg shells around their mates? Why is it that others don’t have the kind of drama that they have and when those who are in functional relationships do have problems, they don’t feel the need to lie or cover them up?
5. They lean on God or some other gods.
In an effort to feel empowered and to keep hoping that things will get better, victims will lean on God or many gods to save them. When the reality is that they have the will to free themselves, yet choose to stay. God or gods don’t interfere with man’s free will, but the enemy of self along with other human beings do!
6. They come up with plans of escape, but oftentimes don't follow through.
From material wealth to children, abused people will reason that they need to stay because the alternatives aren’t much better. Therefore, whatever plan they had in mind is put on the back-burner. It also doesn’t help that sometimes they will communicate their intentions to their abusers which will cause them to persuade their mates not to leave them.
So if you ever wondered how abused men and women can stand to be with their often moody partners (some of which have severe mental issues) for decades, while incurring verbal and physical abuse, you just learned how. Now couple any one of the mentioned survival methods with a motivation “to be there for the children,” according to some abused individuals, and they will labor to love their abusive mates until they die despite all sound advice discouraging them to end the energy-draining relationship.
Nicholl McGuire author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself.
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