Is He Abusive When He....

Sometimes we tend to sound the alarm too soon when it comes to someone being abusive. Victims of past abuse know exactly what I am talking about. You start dating again and notice a few similarities with a current mate and a past one. So you jump to conclusions, "He is yelling at me...is he going to hit me like...?" Meanwhile, your defenses are up to either protect yourself from being attacked or you are ready to attack. Your poor partner doesn't know what to expect and assumes you are just crazy.

Women who have been hurt physically by others will not hesitate to fight. Say the right trigger words and it's World War III in their homes. This is why you, as the survivor, must learn self-control. You must not assume that the man who is yelling at you will hit you. Otherwise, if you jump the gun, so to speak, you may be the one hauled off to jail. Here are some things you could do when an argument takes place:

1. Refrain from a face-to-face confrontation by allowing at least an arm distance of space between you and he.
2. Communicate your concern about his being "too close to your face" or "I feel uncomfortable when you raise your voice."
3. Be sure you aren't near anything that you could hurl at him.
4. Watch his expressions and where his hands are placed.

You can easily determine whether this person is like the man from your past when he:

1. Proceeds to take his hands to hit and/or choke you, hurt self, or throw something at or near you.
2. Insults you by calling you names; rather than focus on the topic at hand.
3. Threatens or intimidates you with his presence or uses an object.
4. Blocks you from entering or leaving a room for long periods of time.

When you see signs that show repeated aggression, lack of empathy, and other abusive signs, you will need to let this man go and take a break from dating. Sometimes we find people similar to our past, because it is what makes us feel comfortable. Do yourself (and any children) you may have a favor, end the relationship with any man who has been abusive to you. However, if the man you are with is not abusive, then you may need to check yourself. Seek counseling if you find yourself acting like your past abuser.