When the Abuser Sets Children Up to Fail

The abusive one doesn't realize it but the wiring in the brain isn't connected right.  Fight up against truth, talk down to those who are only trying to help, kick people when they are down, use violence to get one's point across...you might know someone like this, what's worse he or she is a mother or father. 

Past programming beckons the once victim turned abuser to keep the generational cycle of abuse going.  "My Daddy said this...my Momma did that...We turned out alright.  Kids nowadays are soft." the abuser boasts.  Hit on his or her head, shoved down stairs, pushed into a wall, burned with cigarettes, called many names, beaten with sticks, belts or anything a parent could reach...and it was all okay.  Well we live in a different time and if those parents were honest with themselves and with others, periodic thoughts don't come together in their minds in a rational way when it comes to parenting children. 

- They can't handle too much noise.
- They are short-tempered.
- They are impatient when it comes to teaching children things.
- They are emotional especially when it comes to minor things involving their children.
- They have scars that never healed from abusive parents or guardians whether seen or unseen.
- They are nervous over things that others are not. 
- They are selfish and unkind when you get to know them.
- Some are very quiet or very talkative around select individuals.
-  When triggered, they appear to lose it.
- They may have their share of phobias

The side effects of the childhood adversity an abuser encountered shows up in parenting children sometimes without reason.  Abusive people don't always learn from what was done to them.  Rather, they repeat patterns in subtle or bold ways while denying they are hurting their children or justifying harsh punishments.  It all seems normal to them. 

For instance, past programming thought it was alright that Mom called Dad nasty names, lied to him, acted rowdy with others, and was mean to children; therefore, the adult daughter does the same.  Dad was intimidating, mean, controlling, and cold, so his son acts similar to him and finds dad's behavior admirable despite his dysfunctional ways.  The family plays ignorant or has selective memories about what it was like growing up in a tyrant's household.  The people who refuse to think about the past due to white washing from controlling matriarchs and patriarchs are told to remember the good times.  The unsuspecting are caught up in a web of emotional and physical abuse in intimate relationships, family connections, parenting their own children, and other connections by the hurting and wounded individuals.

A demanding or ineffective parent sets up his or her children to fail, because he or she could never meet his or her own parents needs and so the abuser projects his or her expectations on the children.  Sooner or later the toxic upbringing reveals truth.  It shows us just how bad the household is for the child.  If the abusive parent doesn't like his or herself much, he or she might expect the child to do better or could care less.  Well when pride gets in the way, the parent refuses to admit that he or she is not doing what is in the best interest of the child.

Consider times when a child asks for a basic need to be met, did the parent step up to the plate or make the child wait for long periods of time, punish him or her, or didn't do anything at all?  A simple request for something to drink, clean clothes, time with a parent, or an item to eat, did the parent break away from selfish pleasures to meet the need?  Did the parent finally do something after the child started having a fit? 

What about an older son or daughter who asks a parent respectfully or possibly firmly to stop talking negatively about the other parent, but is met with a slap across the face and told to never say anything else about the other parent or else?

How about the children who rarely witness any good between parents in the household, yet they are told by the victim that an abusive parent loves them and to respect him or her?  Observation and logic become skewed in the children's minds.  What is evil becomes good and what is good becomes evil.

What about when the abusive parent lashes out on the children just because he or she can't get whatever results he or she is after from the other parent like: attention, money, time, etc.

We can go on and on with examples, but the point is the abuser is systematically setting his or her children up to fail personally and/or professionally the longer he or she negatively impacts others.

Controlling parents are more concerned about their own needs, but not those of children.  Demanding parents put high expectations on children that they don't intend to meet or help children achieve, but it sounds and looks good to say and do certain things in front of others so as to appear like they are loving, kind, generous, etc.  But the children know differently.

Abusive parents don't realize that when they bring children into the world and refuse to change their selfish and/or evil ways, that one day grown sons and daughters will awaken to their lies, manipulation, and more and will no longer respect or appreciate them.  Depending on how much of the negative programming children have received from parents, they might grow up to be equally or more abusive than their parents while other victims might be very passive almost ineffective as a result of the childhood abuse they incurred.

Without proper guidance, a faith, support group, medication or whatever else a former victim needs to parent, abusive behaviors will show up whether triggered or not.  It doesn't matter if the parent is 16 or 60, abuse affects all.

Nicholl McGuire