Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

The signs are evident!  Either agree to go along with the abuser's lies, emotional/physical cheating, anger outbursts, threats, and more or suffer the consequences.  So many people in toxic relationships tolerate much while deceiving themselves and others with statements like, "I don't put up with his stuff...I don't play that!  I am strong...he doesn't get away with anything.  She knows better or else!" Sure.  Then a spouse or partner does another thing and another, kiss and make up, put on a good act and he or she is back in a victim's bank account, bed and anywhere else that he or she wants to be in getting selfish needs met. Victims put on a tough act, but they are weak to the sweet talk, promises, and cheap gifts--tis the season.  They dismiss thoughts that, "He could have treated me better...bought something nicer...apologized."  However, a victim desperate for a bit of harmony will take almost anything from an abuser if it is nothing but

Talk about an abuser's lying, cheating, stealing, drinking, hiding, or hanging out with friends and you just might be starting a verbal or physical war!  Delusional people will never admit to their problems or seek help.  They are defensive and ready to attack.  Get to close, talk too long, or act in any way that is perceived to be threatening and the violent man or woman will reason in his or her mind, "Time to fight." Living with someone who is hot-tempered is highly stressful, unsafe, and will most likely provoke you to do the unthinkable.  Abusive men and women are typically selfish and unless you enable their toxic habits and behaviors, they are not going to be too accepting of you.  The world revolves around them.  They rarely do anything that doesn't include themselves.  Their intentions are usually selfish.  Whatever they want, they get whether using kind words or acting evilly.  Victims who are fearful of their abusers will meet their demands by any means

Family and friends most likely will be wanting to see loved ones around the holidays.  Abusers will be sure to talk with victims on what is to be said and not said at a holiday event to relatives and whether or not they will even be permitted to leave the house.  For some mean-spirited men and women they will look for plenty of reasons for their spouses and partners not to see or talk to kinfolk like picking a fight prior to attending a family celebration.  Since this is impossible with some victims to avoid family, they will attempt to put on a good act and so too will their abusive partners.  Families must be discerning and pay close attention to abusive behaviors and address issues.  However, take care that the victim and possibly children are safe before confronting an abuser.  Keep in mind a victim will most likely want to return home with his or her partner after a holiday event and depending on how things goes with the family will determine whether or not the abuser harms hi

Selfish, bitter, arrogant, and angry, a partner that doesn't care much about you.  Too much arguing, ignoring, and being spiteful, two people co-exist in a dwelling.  He passes her by and she does the same.  There's only one problem, the victim still has feelings for the abuser. What does it feel like when one works to love someone who doesn't love in return?  It is lonely, depressing, irritating, and a constant hope that things might change, but they don't. She loves him and wants what is best for him, but he is annoyed with her reaching out to him.  He believes that there is still a chance the relationship might rebound, but things appear to be getting worse after every dispute. One labors and labors until either the individual makes up in his or her mind to break up, separate, or pay the other back for all the pain and suffering while still remaining in an unhealthy relationship .  The cycle of thoughts go round and round as challenges rise and then when th

How long do you keep standing by watching a parent be abused?  How much more can you take in an abusive relationship ?  Someone is going to snap!  A person or the family will lose it one day.  Then what?  The enablers will want to defend their beloved, abusive family member. "I don't know why they killed him, my brother was good to them." "I don't believe my sister was violent.  She was always so nice when I visited the family home." "I can't think for the life of me why she did it, why did she hurt my son like that!" They claim to not know anything.  These family members in denial falsely believe that a son, brother, daughter, or sister "would never," "couldn't have" and "he/she was just a good husband, father..."  The abused didn't deserve death.  Although they are justified in feeling like a beloved relative shouldn't have been viciously abused or murdered, running away from the truth that th

"You didn't do this right.  You spend too much money.  You act like a fool.  You aren't good enough!"  the self-important abusive partner says to the victim.  A crazy-making, perfectionist type of partner is too much to contend with!  But you stick it out anyway or maybe you aren't the one in the situation, but someone you know is.  No matter what the victim says or does the partner has a comment, a question, a concern, a curse word, or worse a fist!  The abusive man or woman blames everyone but his or herself for everything! When in a  difficult relationship like this you or that person that you know is simply surviving each day by looking on the bright side of things even when some days there are no good moments.  The victim is allowing occasional love-making, a gift, a compliment, or some outside distractions to keep his or herself from cracking up inside.  So when the person is not ready to leave the dysfunctional relationship, the individual just copes.

Face Your Foe: Why the Narcissist picked you  - Ever wonder why someone who you know is highly conceited, self-absorbed, or selfish would bother picking you who is giving, spiritual, and loving?

  Now she's pregnant.  Do you really believe things will get better?   Love from a distance.    Learn how you can be in your child's life without having to live with her. The fussing, fighting, and other stresses do nothing more than further complicate matters. She was out of her mind prior to pregnancy, during and after.   She's Crazy by Nicholl McGuire  

Tired of the arguments, physical fights, mood swings, and more?  She is a broken woman or a party girl.  You think you can save her?  Men Don't Pity Broken Women, Party Girls

It is about an image of perfection--appearing like all is well when it really isn't.  I get it.  I did it. You smile.  His relatives ask, "How's things?  You look good.  Glad to see you!  You both look so good together!"  If only they knew.  I saw this happen more than enough times in my life with different men (sigh). They don't have a clue what you went through the night before or weeks prior.  Their beloved son or daughter acting like a complete fool!  Screaming, hurling insults, acting threatening...you contemplated on calling the police.  "What has gotten into this crazy S.O.B.!" you think.  Your emotionally abusive partner may have thought the same about you too. Difficult people will tempt you to do some things that you thought you would never do.  They are hateful at times and harmful to themselves and others.  Sometimes it is a mental disturbance that drives them mad and other times its them feeling powerless .  Abusive men and women thriv

You learn from the best of them growing up.  You know how to get along with some of the most vicious people, both male and female, because you were trained by them.  But little do you know later in life that you just might end up in a relationship with someone who reminds you of the same people you grew up with or even yourself.  You don't consider yourself to be mean, cold, and hot-tempered like the one you attracted, but spend enough time with him or her, and they will test you in ways you thought you could never be tested! I realized my mistakes a long time ago, but I honestly hoped for the best over and over and over again with each man I dated.  I put off my guarded self, and was deceived into believing the lies of charming men.  The socially sweet and privately cruel ones I talk about in my non-fiction book.  I don't beat around the bush in that guide designed to strengthen women and cause them to be more discerning about all men.  We have got to do better parents/t

He doesn't want to admit that his partner is mean and violent, but the scars on his heart and body reveal otherwise. Husbands, fathers, uncles, and other men are frequently being mistreated by wives and girlfriends and no one has a clue, because they say nothing. These battered men know that society isn't always empathetic about males being hurt by women. In the book, She's Crazy written by Nicholl McGuire, the author who survived emotional abuse and domestic violence shares intimate knowledge about abusive women. She tells of disturbing personal observations and advises men on what to look out for when dealing with "Ms. Crazy." According to a 2010 study conducted by the Centers of Disease Control and the Department of Justice on battered men, there have been well-over five million men who have been abused by women. Although these abused men are recorded, there are many who never report incidents with wives, girlfriends and mothers due to personal sh

I met some seemingly sweet, knockout gorgeous women , but they were dangerous--if only their boyfriends knew how they truly felt about men, I would sometimes think. But time reveals truth and those men would find those ladies out during explosive disputes. I didn't have any intimate relationships with those women. A few were single lesbians and a bi-sexual woman. I had been a supporter of various feminist movements as well as other heterosexuals that I knew. Yet, some of the radical feminists' foolish and bias thinking about men rubbed off on me during my youth and I almost went to jail listening to some of their talk about what they "wouldn't take off a man" and how they "would hurt a man about this or that if they ever..." I had no clue just how mean these women were. Why were they so angry with men? What happened during their childhoods? Why weren't they able to maintain decent relationships with men? I knew some of the guys these ladie

In a turbulent relationship weekends aren't anything to look forward to for victims. "Happy Friday!" one might tell a hurting co-worker. It isn't really all that happy, one must go home. All a happy wish means to the one in an abusive relationship is the individual must do his or her best not to say or do anything that might upset a partner over the weekend.  Since many hours are spent at home on weekends supposedly relaxing from a long work week, it isn't always like this for those partnered with abusive people.  More hours together, just mean more chances for drama between two highly sensitive people. Each moment that passes, he or she is walking softly, hoping and praying a partner doesn't take whatever is on his or her mind and beat the victim with it. Easier said and done being respectful, kind, loving, etc. When in a relationship with someone with a mental illness, going through a challenging time, or often influenced by toxic relatives or friends

Be encouraged by this message.  The worry, stress, and arguments can seem endless, bt God gives you peace.  Seek Him!  http://chirb.it/B4LCEI

There is no warning, argument, or fight just before a partner leaves. An emotionally and/or physically abused individual need not do anything more than exit a miserable relationship. What does talking over details solve? What does bringing up every hurtful thing the abusive partner has ever said or done to you really do for your spirit? There is peace just outside the door. I recall pondering a long time on whether to leave my abusive boyfriend's apartment. I looked over my things that sat on one side of the room, a word processor, clothing, dress shoes, a couple bags and assorted belongings that were better left at my parent's home. There was enough of my stuff I left over between overnight stays to fill the backseat of a car. All I had to do was just call someone to pick me up, put my things in his/her vehicle and be on my way to FREEDOM!!!  But I didn't--those stupid thoughts showed up. The same ones that for so long convinced me that he would change, th

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Say something to the public charmer that sounds critical and then it won't be long before his evil twin the private abuser shows up. The charmer's smile fades away as quick as it came; in its place now reveals an evil scowl. Say too much and things just might get physical. He is more cautious around males then females who know him well, because he doesn't want to have to go toe to toe with another man if he can help it. Mr. Abuser knows better to exercise a bit of self-control when he knows he could lose everything messing with the wrong person. Dr. Phil says, "There are no victims, only volunteers." Don't go along to get along. Peace at any price is no peace at all. On Dating or Marrying a Loser Do women recognize the kind of men they are with and do they listen closely to what their partners are saying and not saying especially during those first meetings? The evidence is there. From the way a man stands to the take charge attitude he has and

As long as the woman who doesn't want her abusive man to get away remains in a relationship with him, she will be abused. As long as the man who thinks he can't attract anyone but mean-spirited women continues to settle, he will be used. It's a belief, whether accurate or not, that keeps the abused with the abusive.  You can make excuses all you want, but the truth is your personal thoughts about someone is what keeps you bound to them.  We know the truth about our partners and we all have reasons for why we stay and why we leave and never return.  When the thought came to me that I could never be happy with my abuser, I let him go.  When I came to the realization that an ex was no longer going to be faithful to me, I made arrangements to leave.  When I watched my relatives behave badly with one another and then noticed how they acted toward me and didn't like what I was seeing, I made arrangements not to be around them anymore. How long does it take for someone

It all starts... with a look. An accusation. A threat. Telling you that what you see/feel/hear is incorrect. Looking for others to support them on their lies, they act as if they are something special, a good person. Sharing with family and friends that you are the crazy one, meanwhile they are the ones with the mental illness. Blaming exes, employers, and even their own children for everything that is "wrong, bad." They make excuses for why they do what they do and might even cry and show a bit of empathy. They cover up, lie and isolate victims so that no one will catch wind of the truth. They plan to pay back for pre-conceived wrong-doing, for exposing vulnerabilities, for wanting to get away from them. They come up with clever schemes, pretending to be righteous and honest while lying even to God. They say, "You aren't going anywhere...you need me...I love you...I still want you...I will change." But they don't.... They don't They

"How do you "Avoid such men as these" when they literally lied to you to get you to fall for them.  They have a "false self" that they present to you...love-bomb you from the start.  You think you hit the jackpot and your life with them will be one of chasing after the Lord together and living for Him.  And after you're hooked (married) they deny any of your needs or dreams or your calling even.  Something as simple as asking for a conversation, his time, a date night, setting goals for your future together is met with "What is wrong with you.  You need help."  So you lower your standards to keep peace and they set the bar higher for what you should be doing for them.  Everything causes narcissistic injury and you find yourself being belittled, demeaned, ignored, denied.  Even your FEELINGS are just wrong, wrong, wrong.  They control and manipulate your time and energies.  It all must be focused on their needs and their interests.  And when you

They never learn or you might be the one who is tempted into drinking or smoking yet again.  Far too many people don't realize they can avoid many relationship issues if they would simply stop partying.  But many of these couples met during times when inhibitions had been lowered by substance abuse.  The difficulty of letting go of destructive behaviors that damage their relationships is constant. "I know I shouldn't but I can't help it...I really wish I could stop drinking...I don't like what has become of our relationship, but...He only hits me when he is drunk...She is cool as long as she doesn't use drugs..." Holidays for some couples are not happy, peaceful, or good times, because they don't want to admit that the substances that they drink, snort, inject, or smoke are causing problems for not only them, but children and pets living in their homes and relatives who visit. If you are guilty of hurting your partner or others while under the i

They have all gone.  The parents stopped calling or coming around.  No conversation about them.  The children (or at least most of them) are not at home even pets have gone off into their corners.  There is no job stress, no significant money woes (just the usual) and neighbors, friends and others aren't involved much with you.  No one is around to blame, to talk about, to insult, or to distract you from the troubled one seated in the same room or sleeping beside you.  Now what? Oftentimes victims in bad relationships run away from their problems.  They resort to blaming others for all their issues.  From something not going right at an event to the attitude a partner gives them behind closed doors.  However, when there isn't anyone or anything to blame, then what? http://www.pixabay.com If you are watching this sort of situation unfold with yourself or someone you know, you can see what and who is really the cause behind all the blaming.  Instead, we like to sugarcoat t

When someone approaches you with a story that sounds a lot like he or she is being abused, do consider the following. 1.  No talking about the situation when victims have either shut down, stopped talking, or don't feel ready to share everything. 2.  Be understanding, don't pressure a victim to leave especially when you don't know the details.  Sometimes abusers will pretend like they are victims to get attention or cover up their misdeeds by placing blame on a partner. 3.  Avoid blaming, ridiculing or acting in other negative ways, because you don't like or agree with what the person is telling you. 4.  Search for resources in the victim's area and share them.  Remind him or her it is against the law to be abused and for a child or animal to be abused as well.  Oftentimes abusers are not only hurting their partners, but others as well. 5.  Offer to assist the individual with expenses and other needs if you know you are able to, don't give him or her false

He is not God. You are not Jesus. Your children, disciples. Following after whatever example you are providing. What you do with your life relevant, how you choose to live it...important. Abuser, irrelevant. Advisers don't want to hear about what he thinks, what she will do... what they want to know is, what will you do? Band-aids don't heal wounds. Compliments don't erase pain. Expensive gifts don't solve problems. Trips around the world don't make a partner love. Pain and more pain is all the victim ever gets. Pain and more pain is all the abuser gives. Nicholl McGuire

They are bullies, attention-seekers, angry, loud-mouth, sneaky, or downright evil, children .  They look harmless but upon closer inspection, you see the callousness in them.  They learned from the best, abusive guardians.  Emotionally and physically violent mothers and/or fathers cursing, fighting, slamming things, and acting out their aggression in other ways.  Mad at everyone in the household, a father storms off after leaving his partner on the floor crying and yelling.  Mom retaliates one day, loses it, and makes dad bleed.  The children see, they may tell others, or remain quiet until they are old enough to fight anyone who stands in their way. Slap a child one too many times and eventually she doesn't cry anymore.  Punch a son in his chest as an attempt to toughen him up over and over again, and one day he will pay the parent or someone else back for all his abuse.  The pain received from an abusive relative, partner or friend doesn't go away overnight.  That resi

Some victims of domestic violence assume that if they have a baby for an abusive man, then another and another that some how the man will change and life will get better.  But the truth is, it won't.  Abusive men, whether the silent type or physically violent, want obedience--power and control--from those they abuse. One thing that many men can't control is a baby being born in this world--but they will try and some will successfully get their way.  A man, who is mentally unstable, doesn't ever want to feel powerless.  His need for control over any and all situations is an obsession and when a victim thinks she is somehow getting the upper hand by having a baby anyway, she puts herself at risk of being killed.  Thoughts play over and over in his mind on how to get his victims to do as he wishes irregardless of how they and others may feel. Pay attention to the man's expression when a woman announces she is pregnant.  Most abusive men either boldly show how much t

"I didn't want to believe it happened.  I met someone that I really thought was a nice person.  I felt that he was going to treat me sweetly, but once again I was wrong.  I became bitter allowing this individual into my life again and again.  I should have never given this man a place in my life, but I did and so now I have to undo it!" How many of you secretly regret connecting with a partner whether on or offline?  This is someone who deceived you in some way.  Who didn't keep promises, lied about his whereabouts, his or her commitment to you, and more.  You might have looked the other way early on during the courtship--forgive and forget, right?  But now sometimes you are numb or crazy with anger. When you are at your wits end with someone, feeling trapped in a bad relationship, consider those high and low emotions toward him or her red flag warning signs to get out while there is still time.  Just imagine being wheel-chaired bound and relying on an abusive ma

They don't think that they do, but they do.  People will idolize one another as well as things.  They love, worship, kill, steal, destroy, and more for partners.  Witnesses stand by and see the destruction.  They call them out on their foolishness.  But idol worshippers keep right on doing what they do. The presence of idol worship is in an abusive relationship .  Simply put, the abuser and victim put one another on a pedestal.  They think much about one another--too much!  Thoughts stream into their minds frequently about everything from what the other is doing to how he or she feels about him/her.  The thoughts play out like a roller coaster ride, a merry go round or a swing.  It is all fun, positive, sweet or nice until someone gets hurt again and again. "I miss you...I can't get enough of you.  When will we see each other again?  I want you forever..."  Sounds so wonderful, doesn't it? At least in the beginning of the dysfunctional courtship  all appea

Mom was upset with dad so she went off on children.  She cursed, slapped, and did many more hurtful things.  She really didn't mean to act outrageous.  But Mom didn't want to leave dad and so the honeymoon periods in the household came and went.  The family argued like cats and dogs especially on holidays.  Siblings lashed out, pets ran about, parents acted like fools in front of children.  The house could have been peaceful had adults stopped with wishful thinking that the good ole days would return again. Mom will reap what she has sown when difficult children grow up.  She will hear the feedback, "Why didn't you just leave Dad? What was wrong with you treating us like that?  He just wasn't worth it, Mom!"  Future mother's day holidays will not be so blissful.  Children will grow weary of honoring a woman who has little self-respect and has no intention of doing what's right.  Instead, they will see the victim, selfish, brainwashed, needy, and

It isn't a happy mother's day for some women because they know just how bad their relationships are with their children's fathers.  The abuser's mother doesn't care much about the victim or her son's private lives.  All she wants is to be honored, treated with dignity and respect.  Not only is the victim bound to her abusive mate, but his controlling mother too.  Time to step back from not only the abusive partner, but his difficult mother too. https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/549977

We have all been there and done that, thought we knew everything about everyone in our circle and so we defended them.  We fought long, hard, and ended up looking quite stupid in the end!  Women, who are victims of abusive men, don't want to believe the truth and don't want you handing them any mirrors either! The know-it-all victim fights with mom, her best friend, and even her children about her no-good husband or boyfriend.  "But I love him...so what!  I know already..." she says to those who really wish she would go on and get a life away from her miserable partner.  Yet she insists, "Things will get better...and you don't know him like I do."  Victims brag about the things they claim to know already.  Like the time(s) a partner cheated, lied, abused, used, and did other things.  They have advice for everyone else, but can't figure out how to have any personal peace.  Living with and sexing an abusive man (or woman) will drive you crazy!  You

Why did six police officers show up when the call came through from a neighbor that I needed help and that my abuser was trying to kill me?  For over two decades, I said nothing about this small detail, the reason was simple, those officers didn't know who or what was really behind our apartment door prior to entering.  They didn't know if I would attempt to attack them for apprehending him.  They didn't know if a gun, knife or anything else was being used in our fighting.  In my case, it was a hot iron.  They had no clue whether I or he would go off on everyone answering that call.  They just didn't know. The paramedics showed up too and they were very watchful and quick to remove me out of the scene. Some of you, those who are still being emotionally and/or physically abused, might talk about how you don't like a lot about a partner with relatives and friends from the way he or she talks to you to how aggressive the individual is with you.  But if you saw your

They make excuses for it.  They lie about it.  They say it won't happen again.  They tell family and friends it isn't what you think.  Abuse.  Victims come in many different colors, social classes, and more.  They don't want to believe they are being emotionally and physically beaten with or without words, hands, and other things. "What?  I don't know what you are talking about!  I am fine.  Leave me alone.  I have dealt with this for a long time.  I know how to handle him..." the victim defends her sickness.  In love with a man who plays mind games, makes false promises, isolates her, cheats, steals, lies, and tells her how bad she is when he feels down. Don't deny the trials you are in or have been going through for quite some time.  You might live with them for now, but you are to grow from them.  Your eyes are focused on freedom, not bondage.  The survivors know this all too well.  True survivors don't go back, they don't say things like, &

Check out Blog Owner Nicholl McGuire podcasts on Sutros http://www.sutros.com/nichollmcguire

Some women who were determined to leave their abusive partners did so with the help of moving companies.  Others were helped in ways you may have never thought of!  So if you are not in an abusive relationship and may be in business or affiliated with a civic group, consider giving some time, money or service to those who want to move on with their lives. For victims, check with companies in your local area who may help or ask a social worker or domestic violence counselor to assist with whatever your needs might be.  You never know who might be willing to help you, so put aside pride and secrets and step out on faith! The following is a list of businesses whose good deeds helped so many as well as ideas.  Be sure to check the location before contacting these companies or any others.  Also ask for referrals if they are no longer offering their services. 1.   Meathead Movers  assisted women by helping them move. 2.  “A Pele da Flor” (The Skin of the Flower) is about giving hurt