Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate

Some temperamental, violent, and angry types just don't get it!  Did a partner really have to hit, yell, name-call, throw things, or use the period of silent treatment yet again to hurt you?  When a supposedly loved one seems to have bouts of going from happy to angry from getting along to creating chaos, you have to wonder, "Can I keep up with this?  How is he/she affecting me, the children...?  Do I really want this person in my life?" What is one willing to give up right now for things like:  peace, happiness, the focus to pursue goals, the strength to stand up for self, and all other things that are healthy qualities of life?  We can make life simply too hard to live by the choices we make personally and professionally.   You might want more money, a bigger house, freedom, and other things that solve personal issues, but what do you have to do to make those things happen?  The same mindset you use when it comes to chasing after material dreams is what you have to u

Being angry with a person who chooses to stay with an abuser is wasted energy.  Rather, one could redirect that anger toward a cause or passion that might help those who want to be helped.  When the abused chooses to stay with someone who is emotionally, spiritually and physically toxic, the victim's decision to stay affects everyone sooner or later. The police officer who gets pulled away from one crime scene ends up at the front door of a couple who is out of control--more time could have been focused on a more pressing matter involving the death of someone's loved one.  A neighborhood hears the frequent cries of a woman who is getting beaten yet again, nerves are tensed and some wonder if she might die at the hands of her abuser.  Children watch parents in disbelief and wonder if mom and dad might hurt them during one of their fits of rage.  A place of employment that is counting on an employee to show up ready for work deals with frequent call-offs and/or performance i

I spoke to a widow who shared with me about how one day the abuse just stopped.  I asked her what happened.  Here's what she said. "He was getting ready to jump on me again.  My son was standing in the background with his daddy's shot gun.  He told him that he wasn't being disrespectful, but that his dad had to stop.  My husband looked at him.  He knew that his son would have blown him away.  From that point on, he stopped abusing me." A husband, who had been abusing the widow for years, finally stopped.  Notice it was once the boy got old enough to hold his father's gun and threaten him with it.  She told me he was teenager back then about 17 or 18 years old.  How many of you have that kind of time?  How much more abuse will you endure before your violent partner finally stops? Nicholl McGuire

Still emotionally high on that nice time a victim had with his or her abuser over the holidays, the victim hopes for the best concerning his or her relationship.  Relatives and friends may have encouraged him or her to stay with well-wishes and promises to pray.  Persuading one's self into believing that there is still a chance for a quality relationship sprinkled with toxicity, the victim shuts out past negativity for a time telling his or herself, "Forgive and forget."  Church visiting and man-made religion further programs the abused to stick out a bad relationship long past red alert signs and warnings from witnesses. Victims will gravitate to messages of forgiveness and pray while hoping a righteous God will put a stamp of approval on their poor selection of a mate (the Bible warns not to get involved with an angry man and not to be unequally yoked.  In addition, to reminding believers that the body is the temple of the Holy Ghost).  Yet, in spite of wise teachi

For years a couple has been together and has hoped for the best.  Argument after argument has resulted in emotional and physical wounds.  Those who have been verbally, nonverbally and physical abusive to one another typically want to get out, but often don't--not for a long-time.  It is their wish for "things to get better" that keep them in miserable relationships even when they know they should be getting out. What does one really have to show for being in an abusive relationship 10 plus years?  Is it the numbers that make him or her feel like one has done some thing significant in life?  Maybe it is the drama the couple has withstood over the years that make some brag about how long they have been together.  Whatever the reason that an abusive partner and his or her victim don't hesitate to share how long they have had to put up, shut up, and overall deal with one another, it just isn't healthy staying with anyone who destroys a temple that houses a God-crea

Far too many people are deceived into thinking that someone is a "good" person because they have much wealth, act politely in public, and look attractive.  Having money, degrees, a large house, and a fancy car doesn't make an angry woman or man any better than an angry homeless person on the street! These argumentative, quick-tempered men and women, who use their money, fame and power to manipulate others, are exposed sooner or later by the long trail of victims they leave behind them.  Yet, those who have a hard time believing that the nice guy they spoke briefly with would act viciously toward his wife or girlfriend are the most deceived.  Some people just can't spot a controlling, mean-spirited person.  Their eyes and ears are charmed into thinking that the one who has least is the problem and the one who has more is considered blessed.  The man or woman with money is deemed smarter, sweeter, and better than the partner who doesn't have as much.  The person

Mean-spirited, vindictive, or thoughtless relatives and friends can add to the drama in a household comprised of victim, abuser and children by simply saying or doing too much.  To get out of a challenging relationship requires planning, finances, and patience.  But when a victim either has no support system or far too many people who want to help or could care less about safety, he or she may have to deal with more violence until his or her broken self can safely exit the relationship. Some of the issues that tend to arise deal with anything from what might have been said at a family event to how the victim behaved.  The abuser pays attention to many things concerning his or her partner and if the individual acted in ways that the moody man or woman didn't like, most likely there will be disputing and/or fighting. Most victims don't bother to say much at a family event because they don't want to have to deal with the additional drama from a watchful partner.  Someti

For many victims who are able to get around their family during the holidays , it is a nice relief from the stresses of being with an abuser.  There is much to talk about, but the abused doesn't typically share.  One must examine a face closely, view a neck, or look at hands and arms to determine if there has been any recent or past beatings.  You might happen to notice bruises or scratches if the individual changes a shirt or removes a pair of pants behind closed doors.  But revealing what you know and sharing it with others, during a holiday celebration, is not the wisest move not for the victim , the abuser or the witness. Trust in relatives and friends must be established before a victim can feel comfortable enough to share the details of old wounds, bruises, and scars.  To jump to conclusions or to run out of a room all-too-ready to beat up the batterer may cause more problems including a ride downtown.  If the victim isn't ready to leave his or her abuser, the indivi

Shoving, hitting, punching, choking...the violent man is angry once again about his partner disagreeing with him during a dispute.  He doesn't like it when she uses "...that tone" with him.  So the controlling man felt that it was his responsibility to put the argumentative woman in her place. After the yelling and the violence, the abuser calms down, goes into the kitchen and helps himself to something to drink.  He sits in front of the TV screen with clicker in hand while thinking about what he is going to say to the woman he has bruised and bloodied in the next room.  He yells, "Go clean up!" while the woman nurses her wounds in the bedroom. The evening was bad--worse than other times, but things are quiet for now.  She tells herself, "As long as I don't say a word to him, everything will be alright."  Before long, the worn-out and battered woman falls asleep.  Not long after she has closed her eyes, the abuser climbs into the bed with her

A father didn't anticipate having a child with a woman he once loved, but now considers crazy.  A mother cried many tears for failing to use birth control in between the many beatings she experienced at the hands of her abusive spouse. A child suffers, he or she is unplanned, unwanted, and looks far too much like the abusive parent, he or she is treated differently.  There is a negative attitude toward the child by one or both parents.  Impatience, unexplained emotional outbursts, yelling, threats of violence, and physical abuse, the young girl or boy wishes he or she was never born to a couple who should have never had children. Years before the son or daughter showed up, mom was a child watching her parents fight.  Her father experienced his share of abuse listening to elder brothers and sisters get beat by their father while his mother, a victim, watched.  Where does all the pain go if there is no outlet for unresolved childhood issues?  Typically, an unexpected pregnancy

"She's controlling...she doesn't want you to do anything for you...she is so jealous...why do you let her treat you like that?  Man up!"  He has heard these things from critics, the abused husband/boyfriend denies what they say about his mate.  "You don't understand, she is just looking out for me.  She means well.  She isn't controlling me, I tell her what to do...don't worry, I got this!"  Sure, Macho Man, sure. Men, who are considered hen-pecked, rarely, if ever, agree with critics when accused of allowing women to dominate them.  Hen-pecked, a term meaning men who are controlled, abused and dominated by partners, hate the adjective, but it is an accurate depiction of an abused man.  The hen pecks at the rooster.  She doesn't care if he bleeds, cries, or fights her back, the man is a punching bag for the woman's rage within.  The troubled man, who has been dominated by his own mother or witnessed his mother control his father or

Enamored by the way he talks, walks, and looks, she doesn't expect that one day the allusion she has created for her lover will come off.  If he is too quiet, she goes out of her way to make him talk and laugh with her.  If he is too loud, she stays calm, out of site and hopefully out of  his mind at least temporarily.  She awaits patiently until her lover needs her services again.   The woman, with a need to please her man, is blinded to the ramifications of taking on an enabler role.  She doesn't think there is anything wrong with catering to her man, agreeing with most things he says, defending him when he is wrong, and cutting off anyone or anything that he doesn't like.  She is just being a good wife/partner/lover, right?  Dysfunction has a way of looking healthy, doesn't it?  That is until you see a woman's mind,, body and spirit slowly dying in front of you as a result of trying to do everything right in a dead end relationship. The woman with 100 i

The next time you are seated with someone having a discussion about a celebrity, a partner, a relative, or a co-worker, notice how the person talks about those who he or she really likes, but may have some issues with.  If you were to analyze the negative conduct of one's favorite person and mention how they are dealing or not dealing with the issues, what do you think the reaction might be? Most people who see themselves in others or are being hurt by someone they still love or like, will find ways to excuse the person's disrespectful or shocking behavior.  They will attempt to get you to focus on what good they did, how much money they have, where they live, or who they know so that it lessens the evil that the individual has committed.  The "fan" will defend their favorite person even though they may not like recent activities.  They may say the person being accused is being railroaded, people just don't like him or her, or "they don't know what the

At home once again on the weekend, expecting to relax after five days of working, a man is seated on the couch drinking and smoking his cares away.  His partner watches the alcohol take effect while the drugs follow, she knows how he behaves when he has had more than enough in his system.  There is no rest for the weary at a place she pays many bills to keep.  Walking on eggshells, she prays her partner says nothing and does nothing to her.   But, he does.  He starts a conversation she doesn't really want to have.  He negatively talks about people she loves and cares for.  He questions what she does with her time when he is away.  He behaves rudely, slams things around, mumbles complaints,  she wonders how long will this last this time?  There were other scenes like this, too many to count for the victim.  There were those times she ran into her children's room to keep from getting any more tongue lashings and beatings.  Then there was that time when she cried far too many t

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Every man has spoken as well as unspoken criteria when it comes to being in a relationship with him whether he chooses to admit it or not.  The same holds true for women. What is in the rule book, so to speak, is often vague, misleading, hurtful, or downright immoral.  A man will show you his playbook by the way he talks to you, what he does and doesn't do for you.  A woman who is captivated by a man's outer appearance may be introduced to his do and don't list subtly at first, and will quickly skim over it or throw it out as if it doesn't exist.  But then in time, the man will be quite bold in what he wants and how he wants it.  When asked whether she saw the signs, read his playbook so to speak, she might reason, "I know what it said, but I really didn't think all the rules applied to me, because I did this for him...I'm not like his ex...I consider myself to be a good catch.  I just don't know why he treats me like this!"  The victim may ha

The subway rider (woman in red jacket) is pregnant in pain, she says.  Her boyfriend is saying some things to her that gets her emotionally charged, she says things back that make him angry.  He is in her face, she hits him.  This was the first blow in public view.  He is upset, puts his hands on her.  The crowd reacts to the man, but did nothing when the woman hit him first.  When things are calm, they are back to disputing again.  This time the woman slaps the man, crowd unresponsive.  No one comes over to the woman and tells her anything or restrains her.  When the boyfriend attempts to pay her back, it isn't long before he is locked up with a bystander.  One of the witnesses say something like, "You should have walked away..." to the man.  If the police had arrived, and if everyone would have been honest about the fight, the couple would have been taken to jail.   Lesson to be learned, don't fight at all especially in public!  Don't even date or h

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If you or someone you know thought that the woman who recently broke up with her partner will never be returning back to that "jerk, a$$hole, weirdo..." think again!  Depending on how long she has been with the individual and how psychologically and materially tied to her abuser she might be, will determine whether she will leave the individual for good or return to him/her and experience more abuse. 1.  She fails to receive adequate support from her circle of family and friends. These people claim they will help her, but the assistance they provide is dismal or non-existent.  She can't reach them by phone for things like: a ride to a nearby hotel, money to help with a move, a place to store her things, or a residence to live. 2.  She is told by her abuser that he/she will take care of her and that things will get better. The victim was charmed by her partner when they met and if she has yet to let go of past memories of good times, his words will sweep her off h

When someone walks into your life appearing to have all the character traits you desire in a mate, why wouldn't you pursue a relationship?  People, who criticize victims of abuse, forget the early stages that occur in a dating relationship.  If you sincerely felt that your life would be in danger messing around with someone crazy, you wouldn't get involve with them in the first place.  But as we, who have been in abusive relationships, have learned you can't judge a book by its cover.  Just because a person acts nice, caring, patient, and understanding doesn't mean that he or she really is. Emotionally abusive, unforgiving, angry, violent, and jealous men and women typically do not show their true colors in relationships at least in the beginning.  They know that if they were to display every aspect of who they are early on, they would not get the benefits that come with dating someone.  So they work hard to be on their best behavior.  They want to make a good impres

Some men and women in emotionally and physically challenging relationships fail to use spiritual insight to free them from their troubles.  They assume that the battles they are dealing with are all emotional and physical.  However, oftentimes what they are contending with in a partner are spiritual issues.  The kind that the most intelligent minds in this world can't even grasp, let alone explain.  If one would take the time to acknowledge a Creator, he or she just might find peace in his or her life storms.  Now simply praying is not good enough, but one must be willing to give up something to get something.  You want peace, give up the foolishness.  You want love, give up the hate.  You get the point. Notice God's only Son gave his life so that the world might be saved, but what does that mean to someone who could care less about spiritual battles?  Nothing.  It is because of this nonchalant and flippant way of dealing with issues is why there is no reverence for God in

He thinks you don't pay attention to the money that suddenly goes missing, the keys that are moved, the odd times he shows up, and the excuses he makes.  She doesn't think you know about what she has hidden away, who she has been talking to, and what she has been doing behind your back.   The abuser says, "You don't know what you are talking about...I left it right there, I gave it back to you...that was just my friend on the phone...I never told you that!  Why are you asking me questions?  I didn't take anything from you!" You feel like you are losing your mind in an emotionally abusive and/or violent relationship.  You second-guess yourself.  You get angry over little things, lose your temper more often, and sometimes plot revenge on your partner.  You could have sworn your mate told you something the other day he or she was supposed to do, but when questioned about it, the story changes.  You might even know someone going through something similar wh