Sunday

Ex Back - False Hope, Limited Happiness - Holiday Celebrations

Still emotionally high on that nice time a victim had with his or her abuser over the holidays, the victim hopes for the best concerning his or her relationship.  Relatives and friends may have encouraged him or her to stay with well-wishes and promises to pray. 


Persuading one's self into believing that there is still a chance for a quality relationship sprinkled with toxicity, the victim shuts out past negativity for a time telling his or herself, "Forgive and forget."  Church visiting and man-made religion further programs the abused to stick out a bad relationship long past red alert signs and warnings from witnesses. Victims will gravitate to messages of forgiveness and pray while hoping a righteous God will put a stamp of approval on their poor selection of a mate (the Bible warns not to get involved with an angry man and not to be unequally yoked.  In addition, to reminding believers that the body is the temple of the Holy Ghost).  Yet, in spite of wise teachings, victims will go along with man-made feel good messages in an effort to stay in a honeymoon period mindset.  The writer knows this all-too-well--been there, done that!


The victim tries to forget what happened last week, last month, and last year while admiring gifts and observing a seemingly peaceful mate these days.  The abuser was moody back then, angry yet again about something.  He or she yelled, threatened the victim and then put his or her hands on a body the abuser only had sex with not that long ago.  But that was in the past or is it?


How soon do victims in toxic relationships forget?  How self-deceiving they are into thinking that days will get better for always!  Good times with controlling, abusive, angry men and women are only temporary.  The honeymoon period is blissful, the abuser shows affection, laughs, acts like he or she is in love, and will flatter.  But those cold days will return when the angry man or woman will be back to eye-rolls, deep sighs, lies, exaggerations, arguing, defending, accusing, cursing, acting sneaky, while taking out his or her rage on anyone within arm's length.  Meanwhile, the victim will ride the rollercoaster ride again and again making his or her self sick with headaches, stomachaches, backaches, and more!  The victim blames everyone else and everything else for the honeymoon period's abrupt ending, but the abuser, the main one who causes most drama.  Victims look to blame outsiders for their troubled relationships when they ought to blame selves for getting mixed up with a crazy man or woman to begin with! 


The victim worries about angering his or her controlling partner, and attempts to keep the peace by shutting down, shutting off and shutting out anyone or anything who could potentially get him or her in trouble.  So if the phone is a problem, he or she won't talk to relatives and friends as much or avoid speaking to them when a partner is around.  If the children are trouble, he or she will find people to watch them or get them involved in activities so that they aren't home as much. If money is an issue, he or she will carefully watch spending and put off personal pleasures or use others to get what one wants.


It is up to the victim to decide if he or she has the energy to get in the boxing ring when the turbulent time comes around again.  There is no guarantee that the individual will win the next fight or even survive mentally, physically or spiritually after the next bout.  With every emotional dispute, a piece of one's self dies when name-calling, pushing, throwing things, and more are involved.  Throw children into the mix and even they wonder, "When will mom and dad be at it yet again?"  So they prepare themselves by staying away from the loose canons.  Sometimes a parent can almost see a storm coming through the eyes of a child.  He or she will notice the distance, the increase in mood swings, and the worry show up on a son or daughter's face before the storm hits.


Alcohol, drugs, women's menstrual issues, post-partum depression, menopause, andropause, job loss, sudden death of a loved one, law suits, bad mouthing from relatives and friends, and more are all honeymoon killers.  A man or woman who already has his or her share of mental issues is not going to be very understanding when his or her partner is going through personal challenges.  Therefore, the niceties of yesterday are forgotten or exaggerated in the hope that things will get better once again.  Most victims rather weather another storm and risk losing their self-esteem, material assets, or even their lives, then to plan an exit out of the cage that has been created for them by their abusers.


Nicholl McGuire shares spiritual insight on relationships, parenting, bible studies and more at YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.


Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love Myself.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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