Thursday

Is the Need to Be with a Man Worth Being Abused?

Every man has spoken as well as unspoken criteria when it comes to being in a relationship with him whether he chooses to admit it or not.  The same holds true for women. What is in the rule book, so to speak, is often vague, misleading, hurtful, or downright immoral.  A man will show you his playbook by the way he talks to you, what he does and doesn't do for you. 


A woman who is captivated by a man's outer appearance may be introduced to his do and don't list subtly at first, and will quickly skim over it or throw it out as if it doesn't exist.  But then in time, the man will be quite bold in what he wants and how he wants it.  When asked whether she saw the signs, read his playbook so to speak, she might reason, "I know what it said, but I really didn't think all the rules applied to me, because I did this for him...I'm not like his ex...I consider myself to be a good catch.  I just don't know why he treats me like this!" 


The victim may have had some idea about the man she got herself hooked up with, but it doesn't matter to a man with a personality disorder, anger issues, or some underlying causes for why he mistreats you and others what she has done or will do for him.  One should take a crazed man's controlling ways personal and not disassociate from his abusive ways by pretending as if they don't exist, blaming others' for his faults, and other delusional behaviors.  As the relationship gets older and one is weary from all the drama, the day will come when you will ask yourself (if you haven't already), "Do I really need a man this badly that I am willing to put up with his mess for now until...?"


Some women reading this wouldn't consider themselves abused since they have food, clothing, car, a home, and more that has been acquired as a result of a man directly or indirectly helping them.  These ladies will reason that their things are important and will not give them up even if they are emotionally drained and physically exhausted of their manipulative and controlling men.  But the trade off is they will lose their souls connecting or reconnecting with an abusive man.  What tends to happen in these emotionally or physically abusive relationships is the victim will compromise personal beliefs, a relationship with her Creator, lie, steal, cheat, and do more for herself and her troubled man.  She may even be willing to take a bullet for him depending on how brainwashed she is.  A victim doesn't usually see she is being abused until she looks back on her life and notices the following things:


1.  She has severed most family and friendships by blaming others for the disconnect when in all actuality her partner has isolated her from them.


2.  She will realize that the jobs she has selected were based on what her partner said, did or his schedule, but not her personal preference.


3.  She will find that she has had children in the hopes that the relationship will get better and the man will treat her lovingly.  Instead, he either treats the children better than her or acts angrily toward the whole family while finding pleasures elsewhere.


4.  She notices that she has financially assisted him with little reward i.e.) saving him money, working long hours, giving him part of her paycheck, and buying him gifts.    But when she needs something, she has to fuss, fight or seduce her mate into getting her needs met while he spends his money any way he so desires.


5.  She finds he has been in control of where she goes, who she sees, and has hindered her progress in getting a driver's license or keeping one.  He may not let her drive his car when she needs one.


6.  She observes her children and is annoyed (even angry) that they are treating her in the way their father has been acting toward her.  For instance, they name-call, lie, swear, or physically fight her.


7.  She is saddened that she has permitted her intimate partner for so long to take advantage of her, rather than leave him.  This was mainly because she didn't want to be without a man and was fearful of what others might think since she had bad relationships in the past.


These are examples, there are others that one in an abusive relationship will realize and may motivate her to do some things differently.  When a victim finally comes to terms with the extent she will go just to have a man or the father of her children in her life, it can be quite disturbing.  She may cry, get angry, destroy stuff around her, yell, and more, but when she has calmed down, she will be stronger and will want to do something that will bring on immediate change! 


Some women have went to jail or have been buried six feet deep as a result of keeping a toxic man in their lives.  They have ignored all sound advice and strayed into unknown territories while giving so much of who they are to chase after men.  For example, they will turn into abusers and pay their men back, stalk them, harass them or their lovers, run up credit card bills in an attempt to buy their men's love, and more.  They have also did self-destructive things in an effort to try to get a man's attention.  From threatening suicide to destroying a man's property to get their unfaithful men to be with them.


These women, who disgrace themselves, have cut themselves off of potential healthy relationships because their husband/lover/friend has done things to get these women to stay loyal to them.  Misery loves company and some women stay mentally and physically sick keeping a miserable man company.


I challenge those of you, who can relate to this article, to start now thinking of ways to cut off a toxic marriage, relationship or friends with benefits sort of arrangement.  You have told yourself long enough things will get better and they are not.  You have reasoned that you deserved to be punished for one thing or another and no matter what you do, it is never good enough for your man.  You have talked to a stubborn, difficult, impatient, or angry partner about his evil ways many times and what usually happens?  He is okay for awhile and then he ends up mistreating you yet again!  Find freedom in your storm, here's how:


1.  Positive self-talk everyday.  When an ugly thought or voice comes into your mind, shut it down with kind words about yourself, talk of your capabilities and what you hope to accomplish.


2.  Create a list of what you would be doing had you not made this bad choice for a partner.  Hide the list from prying eyes.  This list will serve as your motivation for breaking free!  Start researching the things on the list and how you will make each happen.  Note one thing a day you should do and stick to doing each thing.


3.  Consult with a trusted loved one and a professional about what you have realized about yourself and your bad relationships as well as what you hope to accomplish.  Your confidantes may know of certain people, places and groups that can benefit you.


4.  Conduct research online about your specific situation and how to cope until you can get your exit plan together.


5.  Know that whatever you do is going to cost money, so save, invest, and withdraw what you can to do the following:  Get your own place, get to work, register children for daycare, secure the service of a babysitter (if needed), get a moving truck, arrange for storage (if living with someone else), visit a church (sowing a seed in a ministry that helps others will bless you), and any other additional moving costs.  Sell and giveaway items gradually.  Take the money you obtain and put it toward needed expenses not toward bills you two share.  You can deal with those shared expenses once you are o your feet.  Pack what you really value and store these items away from the home just in case you are unable to get back there in the future ie.) collectibles, photographs, computer related items, jewelry, family heirlooms, etc.


6.  Talk with law enforcement if you feel your life is being threatened, if he has a gun, or if you feel like you might do something to him if he should attempt to stop you from moving.  The police department can arrange to have someone be present just in case he shows up unexpectedly or is in the home while you are trying to move your things out.


Know that despite all you have been through, you will come out alive if you are wise and cautious.  You will survive whether you have been with him one year or 20 plus years!  Your children will do much better without two parents arguing and fighting.  Many of your relatives, co-workers and strangers haven't been what you have been through, so ignore the criticism, self-righteous behavior and snide remarks.  Keep moving!  Remind yourself if you must live with someone else, it's temporary.  If there was anything that you learned from being mistreated by someone is how you would want to be treated.  So respect those around you, be polite and generous when you can, and your heavenly Father will bless you for it! 


Life is just beginning for many of you in these unproductive and emotionally challenging relationships and it started when you admitted you made some bad choices, now work toward making good ones!  It is never too late!


Nicholl McGuire, author of When Mothers Cry, see blog here.  You can purchase Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and Laboring to Love Myself, see images and links in the sidebar.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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