Thursday

Said Too Much, Did Too Little - The Abuser Will Make the Victim Pay Sooner or Later

Mean-spirited, vindictive, or thoughtless relatives and friends can add to the drama in a household comprised of victim, abuser and children by simply saying or doing too much.  To get out of a challenging relationship requires planning, finances, and patience.  But when a victim either has no support system or far too many people who want to help or could care less about safety, he or she may have to deal with more violence until his or her broken self can safely exit the relationship.


Some of the issues that tend to arise deal with anything from what might have been said at a family event to how the victim behaved.  The abuser pays attention to many things concerning his or her partner and if the individual acted in ways that the moody man or woman didn't like, most likely there will be disputing and/or fighting.


Most victims don't bother to say much at a family event because they don't want to have to deal with the additional drama from a watchful partner.  Sometimes they feel compelled to sit or stand close to a spouse or intimate partner because they don't want to give their abuser any excuse to want to verbally or non verbally hurt them at the event.  So if he or she sits nearby or checks in frequently with a partner, it isn't because he or she is so in love with the violent man or woman, but it is because the couple has an understanding that no information gets leaked out and no one should suspect anything.  The victim says to caring relatives and friends when asked how is everything? "We are good...just fine...no problems."  He or she knows better or else.


It can be difficult for victims to express themselves when their batterers or controlling mates are right in the next room.  They also don't feel comfortable being out of their partner's sight for long.  In addition, they are careful not to use or answer their phone when their controlling partner is around.  They isolate themselves most of the time, but if they should come out for family events, they know what they are to do or else get punished.  If a concerned relative should press matters or publicly draw attention to a scar or bruise, that person puts the victim at risk.  Speak about issues privately, never out in the open or share information with gossips.


Many women and men will be dealing with their share of relationship drama tonight or possibly in the near future, because one's controlling spouse or partner is going to bring up something the victim did or didn't do at the family event.  "Why did you tell...where were you when I was looking for you...why didn't you help mom when she asked you to...why did you talk to the children about...?  I heard what you said about me!"  the abuser says. 


If there was too much talking by the victim, like something was told to the abuser that he or she didn't want to get out, there will be problems.  If the abuser felt any sort of shame or upset as a result of a relative talking to him or her about misdeeds, the victim will receive a verbal tongue lashing, the silent treatment, be physically beaten, and/or disrespected in some way by his or her abuser.


Laboring to love someone, who is abusive or controlling, is not only challenging, but crazy in the eyes of witnesses. Yet, when a victim is under a partner's control, he or she will do almost anything to keep from having to deal with a crazy woman or man in the home.  A victim might lie, cover up, or pretend as if he or she never talked to family members or friends.  The person may stay away from big mouth relatives.  He or she may even hate them because they got him or her in trouble.


Since relatives and friends don't know the rules of the relationship, they don't always know what to say or not to say or what to do or not to do around the victim and the abuser.  This can make anyone feel nervous or afraid for the victim.  With so much tension, there is a good possibility that for some relatives and friends they don't want the troubled couple around them until they separate or break up.


Nicholl McGuire is the author of Laboring to Love an Abusive Mate and shares spiritual insight about a variety of issues on YouTube channel: nmenterprise7.

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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