Monday

When the Victim Excuses the Personality Disorder and Believes that Everyone Else is Wrong

The next time you are seated with someone having a discussion about a celebrity, a partner, a relative, or a co-worker, notice how the person talks about those who he or she really likes, but may have some issues with.  If you were to analyze the negative conduct of one's favorite person and mention how they are dealing or not dealing with the issues, what do you think the reaction might be?


Most people who see themselves in others or are being hurt by someone they still love or like, will find ways to excuse the person's disrespectful or shocking behavior.  They will attempt to get you to focus on what good they did, how much money they have, where they live, or who they know so that it lessens the evil that the individual has committed.  The "fan" will defend their favorite person even though they may not like recent activities.  They may say the person being accused is being railroaded, people just don't like him or her, or "they don't know what they are talking about..."  Sometimes these "fans" (who might be delusional victims) will even turn on you for questioning them about their beloved idol, relative, or friend.


In an abusive relationship whether non-verbal, spiritual, emotional or physical, victims who have been with their abusers for long periods of time may falsely present themselves as wanting to break up, move on, get a new job, or do something else.  Their mouths are moving, but the feet have no plans on going anywhere which makes this difficult to help them!  As long they are still a "fan," they are staying with an abuser.  Some simply don't believe that they need any help and that everyone else is to blame for an abuser's temper tantrums, mismanagement of money, substance abuse, and more.  These victims look at the glass half full when it comes to their abusers while talking themselves out of all that is wrong with their dysfunctional relationship.  They refuse to see all of the evil they have been putting up with and how that evil has been affecting them over the course of the relationship.  Family and friends don't like the couple much.  Children are not very happy at home.  Neighbors are weary of the drama.  Relatives are tired of helping them.  The church doesn't even want to bother with the troubled couple.  Victims might know that they are in trouble, but they don't want anyone telling them so.


There are many so-called optimists who comment on personality disorder articles, blogs, and books about people's negative experiences, but rather than discourage people from being in bad relationships, they attempt to downplay the problems.  This is what victims love, they hope for someone or a group to encourage them to stay in a dysfunctional relationship.  "It's not that bad...everyone has problems!  Look at how smart he or she is and all that wealth surely it will be alright in my relationship.  I'm just having a bad day...maybe I'm the problem."


No matter how nice-looking and successful an abuser is and how well he or she tends to treat others on a good day, doesn't make one's personality disorder non-existent.  Also, notice the gullible, who have their personal thoughts on what they believe about certain personality traits not being so bad and aren't good signs of so-called dangerous personality disorders.  Some think that because someone they know isn't that bad that others aren't either.  This is foolish thinking!  When one has noticeable signs that something isn't right with them, take heed.  Learn as much as you can.  Find the necessary help.  But whatever we do, we must not dismiss what we observe as "no big deal."


Victims want everyone else to be wrong, because in dysfunctional relationships, they are often told they are "wrong, useless, dumb, stupid, don't know what they are talking about, often overreact," and more by abusive people.  So they will only repeat what their abusers do to them to others.  Puppets controlled by puppet masters don't have independent thoughts especially when they have been with their masters for years.  They will dismiss what most would find wrong, because they are under their masters' programming.  Don't argue with the abused.  If you are believer, simply pray.  Witnesses of abuse should also call law enforcement if they hear or witness violence.


If you are in an abusive relationship, learn more about why you do the things you do and say the things you say.  Notice how you are enabling your abuser and why some relatives react negatively toward you and your partner.  Take a moment to find out why they behave in the way they do, you just might be surprised.  Avoid the temptation to argue, just listen.


Nicholl McGuire 

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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