Monday

7 Signs a Victim will Be Returning to Her Abuser Again

If you or someone you know thought that the woman who recently broke up with her partner will never be returning back to that "jerk, a$$hole, weirdo..." think again!  Depending on how long she has been with the individual and how psychologically and materially tied to her abuser she might be, will determine whether she will leave the individual for good or return to him/her and experience more abuse.


1.  She fails to receive adequate support from her circle of family and friends.


These people claim they will help her, but the assistance they provide is dismal or non-existent.  She can't reach them by phone for things like: a ride to a nearby hotel, money to help with a move, a place to store her things, or a residence to live.


2.  She is told by her abuser that he/she will take care of her and that things will get better.


The victim was charmed by her partner when they met and if she has yet to let go of past memories of good times, his words will sweep her off her feet again.  She will attempt to convince herself that he/she has changed, when deep down inside she knows this person hasn't.


3.  The safe environment she is living in is sub-par as compared to the one she has left.


She may have assumed that the residence she would be staying in to get away from her partner would be so much better than the one she left (clean, comfortable, quiet, etc.) but in time she discovers that the so-called safe environment has its share of issues.


4.  Promises are made to her by those who live/help her, yet they use her as well.


From relatives to friends, someone is often asking her to provide money, service, and other things which takes her focus off of doing for herself and possibly children.  She reasons, "Why stay with these people, when she can be used and abused by the one she is most familiar?"


5.  She is expected to do for herself as soon as she is away from her abuser.  Her mental and physical issues are often ignored.


Once again, family and friends assume now that the victim is free, she doesn't need any mental or physical support just things like:  a job, basic necessities and a place to stay.  So they don't bother thinking deeply about why she is acting in ways that seem irresponsible, strange, or wild.  They bad-mouth, yell, criticize, and do other things to her that run the victim back into the arms of her abuser as well as the drugs, medicines and alcohol that she might have been abusing too.


6.  Her children don't feel comfortable or safe in the new environment.


From crying to fighting, children can be difficult to parent especially in cramped environments with other adults attempting to act as parents as well (or worse, sexual predators).  For some victims, they reason periodic emotional or physical abuse is better than having to experience whining children on a daily basis and mouthy adults.  So back to the home they know where favorite toys and spacious rooms can keep them occupied.


7.  Her abuser threatens to harm her or those she loves if she doesn't come back to him/her.


If she doesn't feel protected in her new environment and sincerely believes that her abuser might hurt a relative or friend, she might go back to the individual in an effort to keep the peace.  She may feel that risking her life is better than having to go through the anguish of knowing that her abuser has wounded or killed her loved one especially if he/she has children with this person.


Victims don't always return to abusers once they have left them; however many do return as many as seven times or more after supposedly breaking up.  These women (and men too) tend to feel like they were out of control when they stayed with an abuser and once leaving the person, they experience similar feelings because now they are relying on others. 


Controlling relatives and friends can be difficult to get along with and can arise similar emotions in victims of abuse.  Mean stares, angry words, and threats from loved ones are enough to make victims go back to their abusers and not come have the courage to come out of their situations again for many weeks or even years after leaving the first, second, or third time plus.


If you are willing to help someone in a situation like this, be ready for the emotional roller coaster that comes with rescuing a victim of abuse.  Just because you want them to leave an abuser for good, doesn't mean that they will no matter how much you scream, cry or threaten them if they should go back.


Nicholl McGuire

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God didn't put you with an abusive mate. Your flesh did.

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