The Need to Please - When She Awakens from the Illusion

Enamored by the way he talks, walks, and looks, she doesn't expect that one day the allusion she has created for her lover will come off.  If he is too quiet, she goes out of her way to make him talk and laugh with her.  If he is too loud, she stays calm, out of site and hopefully out of  his mind at least temporarily.  She awaits patiently until her lover needs her services again. 

The woman, with a need to please her man, is blinded to the ramifications of taking on an enabler role.  She doesn't think there is anything wrong with catering to her man, agreeing with most things he says, defending him when he is wrong, and cutting off anyone or anything that he doesn't like.  She is just being a good wife/partner/lover, right?  Dysfunction has a way of looking healthy, doesn't it?  That is until you see a woman's mind,, body and spirit slowly dying in front of you as a result of trying to do everything right in a dead end relationship.

The woman with 100 ideas to keep her man happy, might be bold enough to voice her discomfort about her moody man to him.  She might express how he makes her feel and appear agreeable, but in time he will wear her out emotionally, bringing back up everything she thought was okay to say to him.   The angry man rarely sticks to what he promises he will do.  In the past, he said, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have acted that way...please forgive me, you know how I can be...I'm a bad man I know, I apologize.  It won't happen again," the handsome manipulator said.  She falls for line after line, over and over and over again!  She makes excuses for his crazy behaviors, rude comments, his cold stares, and false stories.  When witnesses question her about her man's mental stability, she finds fault with them and eventually ends her connection to them.  Like a nurse, she cares for her patient and like a queen she submits to her king.  But when does she retire from her burdensome position?  A role she never knew she was applying for when he lured her into his mad world. 

The delusional woman walks around as if the mean-spirited things her man does to her and to others doesn't affect her.  She brags about how she knows her man very well and "we all have problems...and I'm okay, don't worry about me."  Therefore, most who encounter the self-proclaimed optimist don't worry about her.  Why lose sleep over someone who pretends that all is so well in her life?  This is why it is such a surprise when one day the troubled woman suddenly announces she wants out of a relationship and how she can't stand "that man" and what did she ever see in him? 


Awaken from her slumber of blind love, infatuation and lust--all wrapped up in one, the miserable man doesn't look as handsome as he once did to her.  His mean ugly self, both on the inside and out, is grating on her nerves.  The  longer she stays with him, the more unattractive she becomes as well, so she creates a painted mask for her face and wears decorative clothes to hide her anguish.  She knows she drinks, smokes and eats too much, but how else does one shut down that nagging feeling on the inside that reminds her, "You f*cked up picking this loser!  Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" 


Some women starve themselves in rollercoaster relationships.  They spend far too much time worried about men who have a history of cheating, lying, conniving, and more.  They think that love will change these abused boys turned men.  But what these "need to please" women fail to realize is what they view as a "good man" is nothing more smoke and mirrors.


The woman, who suspects that something isn't quite right in her challenging relationship, looks for clues in all the wrong places.  She is determined to get to the bottom of the matter, but only finds what her man wants her to see.  If she is insecure or jealous, she thinks the answers to her wild emotions will be found in his cell phone, lap top, on a piece of paper in a pocket, or a document in a briefcase, but clever men aren't that irresponsible--at least all the time.  So when nothing comes up, the worried woman goes back into her delusional mindset taking comfort in the illusion she has created for her charming husband/partner/lover.  Meanwhile, emotional turmoil just sits dormant until the next heated battle between the couple.  He is sweet with his words on a good day, knows how to look at her in a certain way that melts her heart, that is until life challenges increase.  Where is his busy bee to comfort him?  She is slacking on the job when others need her help.  She isn't such a good woman when she is spending money on those who are needy.  She isn't the nice gal he met when she smiles a little too much at her old friends.  Her man thinks she is bringing problems into the home when she wants relatives to visit.  He complains if she visits others or stays away too long.


Sigh of relief, right?  Wrong!  Back to the emotional playground she goes taking direction from her player, pimp or hustler of a man.  So desperate for his love, affection, and attention, the frazzled woman is back to working real hard on an energy draining relationship built on shaky ground.  Once again, she paints yet another masterpiece of what a good relationship is supposed to look like.  She sits down and talks with the man, sits with a counselor, prays, attends church, and does everything she can in the hopes that the man will change for her.  God warned her awhile back about her choice, but she didn't listen, so she serves her time. 


Appeasing women, like this, have been in emotionally and physically challenging relationships for decades.  When the partner decides to leave the relationship or dies, these women feel like they have been released from jail!  Children and others may never know just how happy the victim truly is being free from a man she spent years trying to please.


From creating boundaries to gifts, the lover who plays servant on most days, just wants to be accepted forever and always in her master's life.  Many women like this, make their men masters over their lives.  Sometimes these women deceive themselves and others into thinking they are in control at home at all times because they talk tough and make relationship rules that they expect their men to follow, but the truth is some only run things for awhile until their men realize what they are up to.


The manipulative husband/partner/lover has learned how to calm the lioness.  He knows where her weak spots are, how he can get her to submit, and what he has to do to make her go back into that place in her mind that tells her, "He's a good guy, you are just overreacting.  You can trust him."  From making her reach an orgasm that weakens her defenses to fighting her with words or sometimes fists, the master will get his praise and respect somehow some way.  The woman might sing her man's praises to a concerned relative who wants nothing but the best for his or her daughter.  The unhappy woman might attend a public event with the controlling man and is expected to behave in a certain way.  She will continue to appease her man and carry out the façade that all is well in her relationship.


A needy, desperate and wishful thinking lady who tries real hard to keep her man around, won't stop at nothing to keep her man from becoming angry with her, so she will do the following:  buy him, lie for him, argue with family about him, cut off friendships, leave a job, kick older children out the home, and let the man pretty much do what he wants. 


The "good" relationship illusion that has dominated a victim's thinking for so long isn't broken until she awakens to a harsh reality.  Sometimes the following happens for some delusional women to wake up:  a death of a close family member, the lost of income, the absence of faith, children who speak truth, an experience in jail as a result of her man's actions, or parents who are ready to murder her poor man.  Unfortunately, something negative has to happen to shake these bound women free!Get mad at God all you want, but so many pray to him and don't want an earthquake to happen, but sometimes that is what it takes for some people.  At times, bad things will happen to shake a brainwashed woman down to her core, so that she can finally walk in peace!


Nicholl McGuire authored Laboring to Love Myself and other books.